Janis Abrahms Spring > Quotes

“You don't restore your humanity when you forgive an unapologetic offender; he restores his humanity when he works to earn your forgiveness.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring

“Love is not static. We grow dissatisfied and move apart; affection returns and we pull together again. Some people, ignorant of the process, pull away when the good times end and assume the bad times will last forever. These people flee, mope, or drift into affairs. Others see the ups and downs as part of a dynamic process, which, when anticipated and understood, can enrich and revitalize their relationship, even give it an added punch.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

“What I need you to tell me is, ‘I’m not sure, but I turn down temptations every day. I eat salads when I crave hot fudge sundaes, I force myself to go to the health club when I’m feeling dead tired, I discipline myself in a hundred ways to keep myself healthy, and I can do the same for us.’ If you’re so unsure about controlling your impulses, why should I believe you won’t cheat on me again?”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

“When Bob started his affair with Laura, he assumed it was wrong to continue living with his wife, Susan, so he found an apartment and moved out. Unsure of where either relationship was heading, he agreed to meet with Susan once a week to keep their connection alive and negotiate practical matters such as taking the dog to the vet, visiting sick relatives, and paying household bills.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

“My commitment to you today is not based on momentary feelings, but on a full consideration of all that you bring to this relationship, and all that I need. Although there may be times when we hurt, or even hate, each other, I won’t evaluate our relationship on a day-by-day basis. I’m with you for the long haul. I’ll work to keep my occasional disillusionment or dissatisfaction in perspective, and to accept what I consider your imperfections. You are enough for me.20 I’ll try to be patient. I don’t expect our recovery process to be spontaneous or easy. I join hands with you in working to create a shared sense of our future together, one kept alive with optimism and joy. I am so sorry for hurting you. I love you and welcome you back into my life.”
― Janis A. Spring, After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

“But I never tried to hurt you.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

“se odió puede aprender a amarse de nuevo; que la gente puede separarse y después regresar; que los conflictos interpersonales se pueden resolver exitosamente; y que una crisis en la intimidad puede conducir a un cambio significativo y una conexión mayor.”
― Janis A Spring, Después de la infidelidad: Sanando el dolor y restableciendo la con

“I suggest you tell her exactly what you need to hear from her and not assume that because she hasn’t put her feelings into words, the feelings aren’t there, or that she doesn’t want to share them with you.” The next week, Robin came”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

“As forgiveness expert Terry Hargrave points out, “Forgiveness is accomplished when the victimized person no longer has to hold the wrongdoer responsible for the injustice; the wrongdoer holds himself or herself responsible.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

“When the offender demonstrates that he understands and is sincerely disturbed by the harm he has caused you, and when he works to make repairs, you may be more motivated to release your resentment and invite him back into your life. 2.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You?

“eighteen-year-old babysitter, he shouted back, “There are seven billion people in this world, all trying to make sense of their lives; who are you to judge me?” He didn’t really believe he was justified, but he felt his integrity was under assault and rushed to protect it. He and his wife spent days verbally clawing at each other, as you and your partner may do, but their views over time turned out to be less polarized than they seemed. Tom agreed to see a couples”
― Janis A. Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

“If you ever feel dangerous to yourself or others, you can walk into a hospital emergency room or call a friend and announce, “I’m depressed. Please protect me.” What you want to kill is not yourself but your pain.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

“of you must fully commit to the process of reconnecting, as outlined in this book. This doesn’t mean that you have to feel certain about your future together, only that you must behave as if you feel certain, while you work on changing the ways you perceive and treat each other. Put your negative feelings aside, commit to each other, demonstrate your commitment by engaging in the trust- and intimacy-building strategies, and then, and only then, see whether you feel more loving, and more loved. If you wait to feel more positive before you act more positively, your relationship won’t last the course.”
― Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful