Goodreads helps you keep track of books you want to read.
Start by marking “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful” as Want to Read:
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
by
After the Affair is the first book to help readers survive this crisis. Written by a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for 22 years, it guides both hurt and unfaithful partners through the three stages of healing: Normalizing feelings, deciding whether to recommit and revitalizing the relationship. It provides proven, practical advice to help
...more
Paperback, 304 pages
Published
February 14th 1997
by William Morrow Paperbacks
(first published April 1st 1996)
Friend Reviews
To see what your friends thought of this book,
please sign up.
Reader Q&A
To ask other readers questions about
After the Affair,
please sign up.
Be the first to ask a question about After the Affair
This book is not yet featured on Listopia.
Add this book to your favorite list »
Community Reviews
Showing 1-30
Start your review of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
One of my fondest and core memories of my ex-boyfriend happened when I was 25.
I went out with my work colleagues and got drunk in the theatre bar where I met a guy who I liked a lot. ''I like you a lot,'' was my thought through an alcohol filter. I was experiencing a full-blown ego-trip; I was flattered, intoxicated, flirtatious, confident on GM as I was consciously opening my wrists to him while smoking. It was a subtle invitation.
I was young and delirious, and I knew that my boyfriend was ...more
I went out with my work colleagues and got drunk in the theatre bar where I met a guy who I liked a lot. ''I like you a lot,'' was my thought through an alcohol filter. I was experiencing a full-blown ego-trip; I was flattered, intoxicated, flirtatious, confident on GM as I was consciously opening my wrists to him while smoking. It was a subtle invitation.
I was young and delirious, and I knew that my boyfriend was ...more
Aug 26, 2012
Les Murphy
added it
the best book I have found on the subject, most of these types of books are written from a female point of view but not this one.it deals with both sides.I would recommend this book to anyone who has been hurt by an unfaithful partner. it really helps answer all the questions you might have on why it happened & how to deal with all that pain & anger that goes along with it.may God bless anyone who has had to live through this ,I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
wish i didn't have to read this
I've read this book once and am rereading it now that the reeling of discovery is over. I'm glad to be reading it again when my head is more clear and the situation is more clear. I appreciate the attention to explaining the whys of unfaithfulness and how a partner could get to a place where they step outside the marriage. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the implications and this books is helping me deal with them more objectively.
This books speaks about how we should behave if we want to rebuild a relationship where we are or our partner has been unfaithful.
Interesting statistics, men are unfaithful to try and do not want to love; women because they want to love and feel loved.
Many women when they are deceived or deceiving seek to rebuild their relationship, most men only separate and go.
What is a fact is that the romantic and passionate love lasts only a few months or years at best, and what remains? A more spiritual ...more
Interesting statistics, men are unfaithful to try and do not want to love; women because they want to love and feel loved.
Many women when they are deceived or deceiving seek to rebuild their relationship, most men only separate and go.
What is a fact is that the romantic and passionate love lasts only a few months or years at best, and what remains? A more spiritual ...more
A fantastic book that transcends its title and subject matter. It's not just as simple as how to survive a partners affair. It's a great book for anyone, no matter where you are in your relationship. Or if your single, it applies also.
The book offers insight into our own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions about who we are attracted to. For instance, ever wondered why a habit or mannerism you thought cute or attractive when you first met your partner now drives you insane?
I never considered ...more
The book offers insight into our own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions about who we are attracted to. For instance, ever wondered why a habit or mannerism you thought cute or attractive when you first met your partner now drives you insane?
I never considered ...more
What I like about this book is that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. This is a book that both partners should read so that they can have conversations about what happened, and what can be done to heal from the affair. The author doesn't take sides, but what she
...more
As a practicing therapist, I found reading this book very useful for working with couples going through an affair. It is written as a how-to manual for couples wanting to rebuild their relationship after an affair, and is packed with activities and exercises to help people examine their beliefs, feelings, thinking, and how their past contributed to their actions. It also comes with exercises to help a couple regain trust after an affair.
A must read for people experiencing infidelity or people ...more
A must read for people experiencing infidelity or people ...more
Periodically I lead a marriage enrichment course at church. This is one of the books I read in preparation for my first time leading such a course, several years ago. Just noting this here so that none of my friends notice the title and freak out. Everything's good. :)
It helped in the aftermath if my husbands indiscretion, but in the end, it was all on me. Was I going to survive or succumb to my broken heart. I chose to survive and, when I was ready, to forgive.
This book is such a surprise for me. I wasn't expecting to like this book because it is so old and feared the information would be outdated. It was nice that this was not the case. Another surprising factor was that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of both the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. Many
...more
I had to sit and marinate everything this book had to say before writing my review.
First, I'm sorry if you have to read this. It's been months and I am still an emotional mess due to infidelity. I never thought I was going to be the girl who was cheated on, but it happened, and although I still cry once a day, I am still alive. I was looking for a "miracle cure" when picking out this book to read, and funny enough, this book taught me there is no real "miracle cure" for fixing all the trauma and ...more
First, I'm sorry if you have to read this. It's been months and I am still an emotional mess due to infidelity. I never thought I was going to be the girl who was cheated on, but it happened, and although I still cry once a day, I am still alive. I was looking for a "miracle cure" when picking out this book to read, and funny enough, this book taught me there is no real "miracle cure" for fixing all the trauma and ...more
This is a good book for couples seeking to recover from an affair and for clinicians trying to understand the healing process. Mrs. Spring describes four phases - sorting through the emotional fallout, deciding whether to stay or quit, understanding the factors that led to the affair, and rebuilding trust. She also discusses how to talk about the affair and what to expect when couples begin having sex again. Spring comes from experience, is filled with a lot of good sense, anticipates
...more
The aftermath of an affair is a cruel tangle of betrayal, confusion, guilt and loss of innocence. They leave couples and family emotionally desolated. Life is very complicated where it wasn't before. Couples can survive affairs and do all the time but that only happens in a context of honesty and accountability. Springs book is a classic of the subject, along with Frank Pittman's "Private Lies". If you have been involved in an affair or are supporting someone who has I would highly recommend
...more
Oct 29, 2019
Max Carrera
added it
Recovering after an affair can be a massive challenge, but if a couple is mature and loving enough, I believe anything can be done. Given, of course, that the circumstances are right, an affair can be the wake up call and the ultimate test for a loving couple. But there is only one way to get through hell... to stick together and to remain mentally, spiritually and physically present.
Absolutely terrible book with horrible advice. There is research out there now - the writer, who has been a very well respected author and speaker, should review it.
My therapist recommended this book. I did not find this helpful. In fact it made me feel worse. I think for couples that stay together it's an excellent resource on how to navigate that though.
Disappointed
I was cheated on and his counselor recommended this book. The biggest miss is advice if you don’t want to get back together.
I was cheated on and his counselor recommended this book. The biggest miss is advice if you don’t want to get back together.
There are parts of this book that I would recommend and feel would be very helpful. And there are parts of this book that I think would be destructive.
I don't appreciate many things in the Epilogue - revealing the secret. I think the spouse always has a right to know if another spouse is being unfaithful.
I think she has many good suggestions on how to talk about the affair. I like what she has to say about saying goodbye to the affair-partner in no uncertain terms - cutting off all contact.
I ...more
I don't appreciate many things in the Epilogue - revealing the secret. I think the spouse always has a right to know if another spouse is being unfaithful.
I think she has many good suggestions on how to talk about the affair. I like what she has to say about saying goodbye to the affair-partner in no uncertain terms - cutting off all contact.
I ...more
I found this to be a helpful perspective on working with couples in this situation. I needed a refresher, since I'm doing more couple work than I have for a number of years.
There are some great tips for both the hurt partner and the unfaithful one, and I like the fact that both partners must try to trust when it's most difficult for them.
What is difficult in this process is that it's hard work, which many couples aren't ready and willing to do, unfortunately. The way the book is written ...more
There are some great tips for both the hurt partner and the unfaithful one, and I like the fact that both partners must try to trust when it's most difficult for them.
What is difficult in this process is that it's hard work, which many couples aren't ready and willing to do, unfortunately. The way the book is written ...more
I would highly recommend this book not only to any couple currently dealing with an affair but with any couple where one partner has a history of having dealt with affairs. Or even just for the couple who really wants to prevent an affair from taking place.
She does a good job of not pointing blame on just one partner and helps both people understand how they have contributed to an unhappy relationship. She discusses how, if they choose to, they can work to have a healthy relationship once ...more
She does a good job of not pointing blame on just one partner and helps both people understand how they have contributed to an unhappy relationship. She discusses how, if they choose to, they can work to have a healthy relationship once ...more
Though only a cursory read, this seems helpful. The last section on forgiveness is especially good. The first 2/3 should be taken with a grain of salt; although the comprehensiveness is good, the author has a tone of "figure out where your dysfunction came from, family patterns especially" which I wasn't sure I'd recommend to clients. I had heard the exercises were good to give to couples, and overall I'm sure any couple reading it with some sense would be able to say what did and didn't apply
...more
Very good to have as a tool
The author of this book recognizes the work that goes into real healing, and what needs to be acknowledged before the healing can take root and transform your life.
This book is not a how-to. Nor will tell you what to do. It is meant to arm both parties with the knowledge needed to make life-changing decisions based on the discovery or admission of an affair.
The author of this book recognizes the work that goes into real healing, and what needs to be acknowledged before the healing can take root and transform your life.
This book is not a how-to. Nor will tell you what to do. It is meant to arm both parties with the knowledge needed to make life-changing decisions based on the discovery or admission of an affair.
Loved this book. "After the Affair" is a collection of case studies and insights that delve into the human psyche and actions that lead to the trauma of an affair. Reading this gave me a new look on how affairs affect other people and can change both partners. Most of all, it is just nice to know that there is life after this traumatic event and that other people have felt the same ways. I would recommend this to everyone who even considers getting married.
This book helped me immensely after my boyfriend cheated on me and then ended the relationship. It normalized all the terrible feelings I was having and helped me move forward. What was even more valuable was gaining an understanding how family history and gender roles affect relationships and learning why I sacrificed my needs for a person who neither valued me or was capable of reciprocating love. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has dealt with a partner's infidelity.
This is an amazing relationship book. Many years after my relationship problems, I reread this book, and there was still so much to learn. The author is unbiased on whether a couple should stay together or give up; she gives helpful information to make decisions and understand the myriad of feelings you may be experiencing. The advice she offers on a healthy relationship would help all couples avoid the actual problems which lead to infidelity. I highly recommend this book for everyone.
Useful for anyone dealing with learning a spouse has been unfaithful. The book is designed for couples trying to rebuild. Even for those of us for whom the relationship is over, it helps you move on and not blame yourself for the other's behavior. Both parties are usually responsible for troubles in a marriage; only the betrayer is responsible for the affair.
A good source of information, talking about affairs from both male and female, and hurt and unfaithful parter viewpoint, without blame cast in any direction: it's about presenting all points of view. Abandoned because the reconciliation section doesn't apply in my case, but paging through it looks like it has good information and exercises.
Extremely helpful with practical suggestions and discusses every possible thought either partner may have. She uses realistic examples from her patients, both of ones who were able to work things out, and those that weren't, and if they weren't, why that was. Also helpful sections on communication and sex that pertain to any couple.
Excellent study of the after effect of an affair on both the hurt and unfaithful. Good exercises to use to help couple better understand what led to the affair and how to improve their marriage.
Those with conservative religous beliefs may be turned off by the author's discussion of the use of pornography and masturbation within a marriage. (Just skip those pages.)
Very readable.
Those with conservative religous beliefs may be turned off by the author's discussion of the use of pornography and masturbation within a marriage. (Just skip those pages.)
Very readable.
There are no discussion topics on this book yet.
Be the first to start one »
Readers also enjoyed
No trivia or quizzes yet. Add some now »
“What I need you to tell me is, ‘I’m not sure, but I turn down temptations every day. I eat salads when I crave hot fudge sundaes, I force myself to go to the health club when I’m feeling dead tired, I discipline myself in a hundred ways to keep myself healthy, and I can do the same for us.’ If you’re so unsure about controlling your impulses, why should I believe you won’t cheat on me again?”
—
0 likes
“When Bob started his affair with Laura, he assumed it was wrong to continue living with his wife, Susan, so he found an apartment and moved out. Unsure of where either relationship was heading, he agreed to meet with Susan once a week to keep their connection alive and negotiate practical matters such as taking the dog to the vet, visiting sick relatives, and paying household bills.”
—
0 likes
More quotes…
