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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

4.02  ·  Rating details ·  731 ratings  ·  53 reviews
After the Affair is the first book to help readers survive this crisis. Written by a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for 22 years, it guides both hurt and unfaithful partners through the three stages of healing: Normalizing feelings, deciding whether to recommit and revitalizing the relationship. It provides proven, practical advice to help ...more
Paperback, 304 pages
Published February 14th 1997 by William Morrow Paperbacks (first published April 1st 1996)
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Average rating 4.02  · 
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 ·  731 ratings  ·  53 reviews


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Jana
One of my fondest and core memories of my ex-boyfriend happened when I was 25.

I went out with my work colleagues and got drunk in the theatre bar where I met a guy who I liked a lot. ''I like you a lot,'' was my thought through an alcohol filter. I was experiencing a full-blown ego-trip; I was flattered, intoxicated, flirtatious, confident on GM as I was consciously opening my wrists to him while smoking. It was a subtle invitation.

I was young and delirious, and I knew that my boyfriend was
...more
Les Murphy
the best book I have found on the subject, most of these types of books are written from a female point of view but not this one.it deals with both sides.I would recommend this book to anyone who has been hurt by an unfaithful partner. it really helps answer all the questions you might have on why it happened & how to deal with all that pain & anger that goes along with it.may God bless anyone who has had to live through this ,I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Lori
May 15, 2013 rated it really liked it
wish i didn't have to read this
Jillian
Dec 26, 2015 rated it it was amazing
I've read this book once and am rereading it now that the reeling of discovery is over. I'm glad to be reading it again when my head is more clear and the situation is more clear. I appreciate the attention to explaining the whys of unfaithfulness and how a partner could get to a place where they step outside the marriage. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the implications and this books is helping me deal with them more objectively.
Juan Rivera
Apr 07, 2016 rated it liked it
Shelves: lecturas-2016
This books speaks about how we should behave if we want to rebuild a relationship where we are or our partner has been unfaithful.

Interesting statistics, men are unfaithful to try and do not want to love; women because they want to love and feel loved.

Many women when they are deceived or deceiving seek to rebuild their relationship, most men only separate and go.

What is a fact is that the romantic and passionate love lasts only a few months or years at best, and what remains? A more spiritual
...more
Anna
Jan 11, 2015 rated it it was amazing
A fantastic book that transcends its title and subject matter. It's not just as simple as how to survive a partners affair. It's a great book for anyone, no matter where you are in your relationship. Or if your single, it applies also.

The book offers insight into our own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions about who we are attracted to. For instance, ever wondered why a habit or mannerism you thought cute or attractive when you first met your partner now drives you insane?

I never considered
...more
Taylor Ellwood
Aug 12, 2013 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: love, psychology, sex
What I like about this book is that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. This is a book that both partners should read so that they can have conversations about what happened, and what can be done to heal from the affair. The author doesn't take sides, but what she ...more
Frrobins
Jan 14, 2012 rated it it was amazing
As a practicing therapist, I found reading this book very useful for working with couples going through an affair. It is written as a how-to manual for couples wanting to rebuild their relationship after an affair, and is packed with activities and exercises to help people examine their beliefs, feelings, thinking, and how their past contributed to their actions. It also comes with exercises to help a couple regain trust after an affair.

A must read for people experiencing infidelity or people
...more
Sarahlynn
Periodically I lead a marriage enrichment course at church. This is one of the books I read in preparation for my first time leading such a course, several years ago. Just noting this here so that none of my friends notice the title and freak out. Everything's good. :)
Mary Moody
May 23, 2012 rated it really liked it
It helped in the aftermath if my husbands indiscretion, but in the end, it was all on me. Was I going to survive or succumb to my broken heart. I chose to survive and, when I was ready, to forgive.
Rachel Aranda
This book is such a surprise for me. I wasn't expecting to like this book because it is so old and feared the information would be outdated. It was nice that this was not the case. Another surprising factor was that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of both the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. Many ...more
Katherine (KWBookReviews.com)
Jun 27, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-help
I had to sit and marinate everything this book had to say before writing my review.

First, I'm sorry if you have to read this. It's been months and I am still an emotional mess due to infidelity. I never thought I was going to be the girl who was cheated on, but it happened, and although I still cry once a day, I am still alive. I was looking for a "miracle cure" when picking out this book to read, and funny enough, this book taught me there is no real "miracle cure" for fixing all the trauma and
...more
David
Feb 05, 2020 rated it really liked it
This is a good book for couples seeking to recover from an affair and for clinicians trying to understand the healing process. Mrs. Spring describes four phases - sorting through the emotional fallout, deciding whether to stay or quit, understanding the factors that led to the affair, and rebuilding trust. She also discusses how to talk about the affair and what to expect when couples begin having sex again. Spring comes from experience, is filled with a lot of good sense, anticipates ...more
Richard Schwindt
Oct 31, 2017 rated it it was amazing
The aftermath of an affair is a cruel tangle of betrayal, confusion, guilt and loss of innocence. They leave couples and family emotionally desolated. Life is very complicated where it wasn't before. Couples can survive affairs and do all the time but that only happens in a context of honesty and accountability. Springs book is a classic of the subject, along with Frank Pittman's "Private Lies". If you have been involved in an affair or are supporting someone who has I would highly recommend ...more
Max Carrera
Recovering after an affair can be a massive challenge, but if a couple is mature and loving enough, I believe anything can be done. Given, of course, that the circumstances are right, an affair can be the wake up call and the ultimate test for a loving couple. But there is only one way to get through hell... to stick together and to remain mentally, spiritually and physically present.
Hector Matascastillo
Jun 10, 2018 rated it did not like it
Absolutely terrible book with horrible advice. There is research out there now - the writer, who has been a very well respected author and speaker, should review it.
Cari Long
Aug 01, 2017 rated it liked it
My therapist recommended this book. I did not find this helpful. In fact it made me feel worse. I think for couples that stay together it's an excellent resource on how to navigate that though.
Lauren
Nov 20, 2017 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Disappointed

I was cheated on and his counselor recommended this book. The biggest miss is advice if you don’t want to get back together.
Suzanne Kunz Williams
There are parts of this book that I would recommend and feel would be very helpful. And there are parts of this book that I think would be destructive.

I don't appreciate many things in the Epilogue - revealing the secret. I think the spouse always has a right to know if another spouse is being unfaithful.

I think she has many good suggestions on how to talk about the affair. I like what she has to say about saying goodbye to the affair-partner in no uncertain terms - cutting off all contact.

I
...more
Pontiki
Aug 30, 2015 rated it liked it
I found this to be a helpful perspective on working with couples in this situation. I needed a refresher, since I'm doing more couple work than I have for a number of years.

There are some great tips for both the hurt partner and the unfaithful one, and I like the fact that both partners must try to trust when it's most difficult for them.

What is difficult in this process is that it's hard work, which many couples aren't ready and willing to do, unfortunately. The way the book is written
...more
KayLynn Zollinger
Apr 03, 2012 rated it it was amazing
I would highly recommend this book not only to any couple currently dealing with an affair but with any couple where one partner has a history of having dealt with affairs. Or even just for the couple who really wants to prevent an affair from taking place.
She does a good job of not pointing blame on just one partner and helps both people understand how they have contributed to an unhappy relationship. She discusses how, if they choose to, they can work to have a healthy relationship once
...more
Joanna
Jul 21, 2009 rated it really liked it
Though only a cursory read, this seems helpful. The last section on forgiveness is especially good. The first 2/3 should be taken with a grain of salt; although the comprehensiveness is good, the author has a tone of "figure out where your dysfunction came from, family patterns especially" which I wasn't sure I'd recommend to clients. I had heard the exercises were good to give to couples, and overall I'm sure any couple reading it with some sense would be able to say what did and didn't apply ...more
Karen G
Jun 08, 2015 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Very good to have as a tool

The author of this book recognizes the work that goes into real healing, and what needs to be acknowledged before the healing can take root and transform your life.

This book is not a how-to. Nor will tell you what to do. It is meant to arm both parties with the knowledge needed to make life-changing decisions based on the discovery or admission of an affair.
C.J. Ethington
May 12, 2011 rated it it was amazing
Loved this book. "After the Affair" is a collection of case studies and insights that delve into the human psyche and actions that lead to the trauma of an affair. Reading this gave me a new look on how affairs affect other people and can change both partners. Most of all, it is just nice to know that there is life after this traumatic event and that other people have felt the same ways. I would recommend this to everyone who even considers getting married.
Tricia
May 19, 2016 rated it really liked it
This book helped me immensely after my boyfriend cheated on me and then ended the relationship. It normalized all the terrible feelings I was having and helped me move forward. What was even more valuable was gaining an understanding how family history and gender roles affect relationships and learning why I sacrificed my needs for a person who neither valued me or was capable of reciprocating love. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has dealt with a partner's infidelity.
Nikki Wood
Aug 26, 2013 rated it it was amazing
This is an amazing relationship book. Many years after my relationship problems, I reread this book, and there was still so much to learn. The author is unbiased on whether a couple should stay together or give up; she gives helpful information to make decisions and understand the myriad of feelings you may be experiencing. The advice she offers on a healthy relationship would help all couples avoid the actual problems which lead to infidelity. I highly recommend this book for everyone.
Nora
Feb 25, 2013 rated it really liked it
Useful for anyone dealing with learning a spouse has been unfaithful. The book is designed for couples trying to rebuild. Even for those of us for whom the relationship is over, it helps you move on and not blame yourself for the other's behavior. Both parties are usually responsible for troubles in a marriage; only the betrayer is responsible for the affair.
Charlos
Jul 17, 2014 rated it really liked it
A good source of information, talking about affairs from both male and female, and hurt and unfaithful parter viewpoint, without blame cast in any direction: it's about presenting all points of view. Abandoned because the reconciliation section doesn't apply in my case, but paging through it looks like it has good information and exercises.
Ken
Jun 14, 2014 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: relationships
Extremely helpful with practical suggestions and discusses every possible thought either partner may have. She uses realistic examples from her patients, both of ones who were able to work things out, and those that weren't, and if they weren't, why that was. Also helpful sections on communication and sex that pertain to any couple.
Kathy Hamlin
Jun 25, 2009 rated it really liked it
Excellent study of the after effect of an affair on both the hurt and unfaithful. Good exercises to use to help couple better understand what led to the affair and how to improve their marriage.
Those with conservative religous beliefs may be turned off by the author's discussion of the use of pornography and masturbation within a marriage. (Just skip those pages.)
Very readable.
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