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After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
by
After the Affair is the first book to help readers survive this crisis. Written by a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for 22 years, it guides both hurt and unfaithful partners through the three stages of healing: Normalizing feelings, deciding whether to recommit and revitalizing the relationship. It provides proven, practical advice to help t
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Paperback, 304 pages
Published
February 14th 1997
by William Morrow Paperbacks
(first published April 1st 1996)
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Start your review of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
One of my fondest and core memories of my ex-boyfriend happened when I was 25.
I went out with my work colleagues and got drunk in the theatre bar where I met a guy who I liked a lot. ''I like you a lot,'' was my thought through an alcohol filter. I was experiencing a full-blown ego-trip; I was flattered, intoxicated, flirtatious, confident on GM as I was consciously opening my wrists to him while smoking. It was a subtle invitation.
I was young and delirious, and I knew that my boyfriend was sl ...more
I went out with my work colleagues and got drunk in the theatre bar where I met a guy who I liked a lot. ''I like you a lot,'' was my thought through an alcohol filter. I was experiencing a full-blown ego-trip; I was flattered, intoxicated, flirtatious, confident on GM as I was consciously opening my wrists to him while smoking. It was a subtle invitation.
I was young and delirious, and I knew that my boyfriend was sl ...more
Aug 26, 2012
Les Murphy
added it
the best book I have found on the subject, most of these types of books are written from a female point of view but not this one.it deals with both sides.I would recommend this book to anyone who has been hurt by an unfaithful partner. it really helps answer all the questions you might have on why it happened & how to deal with all that pain & anger that goes along with it.may God bless anyone who has had to live through this ,I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
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wish i didn't have to read this
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I've read this book once and am rereading it now that the reeling of discovery is over. I'm glad to be reading it again when my head is more clear and the situation is more clear. I appreciate the attention to explaining the whys of unfaithfulness and how a partner could get to a place where they step outside the marriage. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the implications and this books is helping me deal with them more objectively.
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This books speaks about how we should behave if we want to rebuild a relationship where we are or our partner has been unfaithful.
Interesting statistics, men are unfaithful to try and do not want to love; women because they want to love and feel loved.
Many women when they are deceived or deceiving seek to rebuild their relationship, most men only separate and go.
What is a fact is that the romantic and passionate love lasts only a few months or years at best, and what remains? A more spiritual an ...more
Interesting statistics, men are unfaithful to try and do not want to love; women because they want to love and feel loved.
Many women when they are deceived or deceiving seek to rebuild their relationship, most men only separate and go.
What is a fact is that the romantic and passionate love lasts only a few months or years at best, and what remains? A more spiritual an ...more
A fantastic book that transcends its title and subject matter. It's not just as simple as how to survive a partners affair. It's a great book for anyone, no matter where you are in your relationship. Or if your single, it applies also.
The book offers insight into our own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions about who we are attracted to. For instance, ever wondered why a habit or mannerism you thought cute or attractive when you first met your partner now drives you insane?
I never considered th ...more
The book offers insight into our own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions about who we are attracted to. For instance, ever wondered why a habit or mannerism you thought cute or attractive when you first met your partner now drives you insane?
I never considered th ...more
What I like about this book is that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. This is a book that both partners should read so that they can have conversations about what happened, and what can be done to heal from the affair. The author doesn't take sides, but what she
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As a practicing therapist, I found reading this book very useful for working with couples going through an affair. It is written as a how-to manual for couples wanting to rebuild their relationship after an affair, and is packed with activities and exercises to help people examine their beliefs, feelings, thinking, and how their past contributed to their actions. It also comes with exercises to help a couple regain trust after an affair.
A must read for people experiencing infidelity or people wh ...more
A must read for people experiencing infidelity or people wh ...more
Periodically I lead a marriage enrichment course at church. This is one of the books I read in preparation for my first time leading such a course, several years ago. Just noting this here so that none of my friends notice the title and freak out. Everything's good. :)
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It helped in the aftermath if my husbands indiscretion, but in the end, it was all on me. Was I going to survive or succumb to my broken heart. I chose to survive and, when I was ready, to forgive.
I am currently on a deep reading spree, reading as many books about affairs as I can, because I have a repeated pattern of being the OTHER woman. I feel this text helped me more deeply grasp the seriousness of affairs, and particularly the emotional experience of the betrayed spouse. I struggled with the text because it of course does not tackle larger philosophical and existential questions around the purpose and history of monogamy, or questions around freedom, identity, or ownership, the way
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Apr 28, 2020
Barry Morgan
added it
I feel so complete and happy again. Since I get back the love of my life. My wife and I break up for over three years. And she take my kids along with her. Because of the love I have for her and my kids. I never give up in the hope of getting her back with my kids. After all my effort to get her back nothing happens. Then I ask God to and god answered me with the help of a spell caster. I see his post on Instagram and I decided to contact him and I explain my condition to him. He ask me not to w
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This book is such a surprise for me. I wasn't expecting to like this book because it is so old and feared the information would be outdated. It was nice that this was not the case. Another surprising factor was that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of both the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. Many bo
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HOW I GOT MY EX HUSBAND BACK WITH THE HELP OF DR ABUU.......My name is Talyndria Mosley, from USA, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real and effective online spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr Abuu, he helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr Abuu, he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again, called me and started begging me to come back. he is back n
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I had to sit and marinate everything this book had to say before writing my review.
First, I'm sorry if you have to read this. It's been months and I am still an emotional mess due to infidelity. I never thought I was going to be the girl who was cheated on, but it happened, and although I still cry once a day, I am still alive. I was looking for a "miracle cure" when picking out this book to read, and funny enough, this book taught me there is no real "miracle cure" for fixing all the trauma and ...more
First, I'm sorry if you have to read this. It's been months and I am still an emotional mess due to infidelity. I never thought I was going to be the girl who was cheated on, but it happened, and although I still cry once a day, I am still alive. I was looking for a "miracle cure" when picking out this book to read, and funny enough, this book taught me there is no real "miracle cure" for fixing all the trauma and ...more
This is a good book for couples seeking to recover from an affair and for clinicians trying to understand the healing process. Mrs. Spring describes four phases - sorting through the emotional fallout, deciding whether to stay or quit, understanding the factors that led to the affair, and rebuilding trust. She also discusses how to talk about the affair and what to expect when couples begin having sex again. Spring comes from experience, is filled with a lot of good sense, anticipates objections
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This is a horrible, narrow and pain-shopping book for betrayed partners. It relies on an outdated they-were-looking-for-what-you-dont-give-them view of affairs with an emphasis on the deficits of the betrayed partner. I want to reassure Partners that this has nothing to do with what they are or aren’t. Sexual acting out may be a product of serious addiction issues, the result of childhood neglect/ abuse, or the manifestation of a narcissistic personality disorder. I refer The author to the work
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The aftermath of an affair is a cruel tangle of betrayal, confusion, guilt and loss of innocence. They leave couples and family emotionally desolated. Life is very complicated where it wasn't before. Couples can survive affairs and do all the time but that only happens in a context of honesty and accountability. Springs book is a classic of the subject, along with Frank Pittman's "Private Lies". If you have been involved in an affair or are supporting someone who has I would highly recommend rea
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Oct 29, 2019
Max Carrera
added it
Recovering after an affair can be a massive challenge, but if a couple is mature and loving enough, I believe anything can be done. Given, of course, that the circumstances are right, an affair can be the wake up call and the ultimate test for a loving couple. But there is only one way to get through hell... to stick together and to remain mentally, spiritually and physically present.
Extremely thorough! Appreciated the dual approach and level of detail. Clients initially resisted the title, but one cited recommending it to friends as a book 'all couples should read' regardless of Affair. A bit heteronormative.
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I didnt think that the whole book would be a recount of a million peoples affairs in every paragraph. it was story after story after story. I thought this book would help rebuild. thought there are some tid bits to take away from I found it annoying reading everyones affair story
My therapist recommended this book. I did not find this helpful. In fact it made me feel worse. I think for couples that stay together it's an excellent resource on how to navigate that though.
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Disappointed
I was cheated on and his counselor recommended this book. The biggest miss is advice if you don’t want to get back together.
I was cheated on and his counselor recommended this book. The biggest miss is advice if you don’t want to get back together.
Absolutely terrible book with horrible advice. There is research out there now - the writer, who has been a very well respected author and speaker, should review it.
Read this to supplement my couples therapy class for my grad program. Definitely a must-read, especially if you're like me and VERY triggered by infidelity.
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This is everything I needed after the affair.
Pretty outdated. It did help validate feelings and understand your reactions, I just wish there was a newer version i could relate to better.
This book is amazing! It helped me to understand how to cope with infidelity. It definitely helps to heal the trauma. Highly recommended!
There are parts of this book that I would recommend and feel would be very helpful. And there are parts of this book that I think would be destructive.
I don't appreciate many things in the Epilogue - revealing the secret. I think the spouse always has a right to know if another spouse is being unfaithful.
I think she has many good suggestions on how to talk about the affair. I like what she has to say about saying goodbye to the affair-partner in no uncertain terms - cutting off all contact.
I li ...more
I don't appreciate many things in the Epilogue - revealing the secret. I think the spouse always has a right to know if another spouse is being unfaithful.
I think she has many good suggestions on how to talk about the affair. I like what she has to say about saying goodbye to the affair-partner in no uncertain terms - cutting off all contact.
I li ...more
I found this to be a helpful perspective on working with couples in this situation. I needed a refresher, since I'm doing more couple work than I have for a number of years.
There are some great tips for both the hurt partner and the unfaithful one, and I like the fact that both partners must try to trust when it's most difficult for them.
What is difficult in this process is that it's hard work, which many couples aren't ready and willing to do, unfortunately. The way the book is written actual ...more
There are some great tips for both the hurt partner and the unfaithful one, and I like the fact that both partners must try to trust when it's most difficult for them.
What is difficult in this process is that it's hard work, which many couples aren't ready and willing to do, unfortunately. The way the book is written actual ...more
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“What I need you to tell me is, ‘I’m not sure, but I turn down temptations every day. I eat salads when I crave hot fudge sundaes, I force myself to go to the health club when I’m feeling dead tired, I discipline myself in a hundred ways to keep myself healthy, and I can do the same for us.’ If you’re so unsure about controlling your impulses, why should I believe you won’t cheat on me again?”
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“of you must fully commit to the process of reconnecting, as outlined in this book. This doesn’t mean that you have to feel certain about your future together, only that you must behave as if you feel certain, while you work on changing the ways you perceive and treat each other. Put your negative feelings aside, commit to each other, demonstrate your commitment by engaging in the trust- and intimacy-building strategies, and then, and only then, see whether you feel more loving, and more loved. If you wait to feel more positive before you act more positively, your relationship won’t last the course.”
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