Tim Hawkins > Quotes

“We have our own language. Christianese... We don't say 'He's out of his mind,' no, we say 'That's our youth pastor.”
― Tim Hawkins

“Every town you go to, they tell you what's special about their town. What they're number one at... This guy comes up and says, 'D'you know that we're the home of the world's largest frying pan?'
'...Really! That is great 'cause I'm writin' a new book called Things I Don't Care About.”
― Tim Hawkins

“Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father...' You don't talk to you friends like that. 'Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed' - he wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that! Like, 'You keep saying Ed...my name's Joe!”
― Tim Hawkins

“You need to go sit on the pot.”
― Tim Hawkins

“Do not siphon gas with your mouth.”
― Tim Hawkins

“I could always make people around me laugh. It was more of a defense mechanism more than anything else, because I was a pretty shy guy.”
― Tim Hawkins

“This guy's testimony is awesome. I hate my testimony. I wish I was addicted to heroin. But no. I had to grow up in a somewhat functional family situation. It's just not fair. Why can't I be a crack addict who robbed Fort Knox using nothing but a can of hairspray and a plastic ice cream scoop? Thanks a lot, God.”
― Tim Hawkins, Diary of a Jackwagon

“Now, I'm not claiming to have won any intelligence contests lately. I say lately because the last time I actually entered an intelligence contest was like seven years ago. It was pretty easy to sign up. I just had to send this guy two thousand dollars and answer some pretty tough questions from memory. They were mainly about my family history and some of my personal information--- stuff like my social security number and whatnot. I don't like to brag, but I aced it. The guy even sent me a framed certificate that now proudly hangs in the new office I built after we declared bankruptcy due to some random identity theft.
You think a fifth grader could do all that? I doubt it. Who are smarter now?”
― Tim Hawkins

“I found a really good Brussel sprouts recipe on Instagram. It's really good. It's easy. Take the Brussel sprouts, cut them in half, put them on a baking sheet, put olive oil, salt and pepper on them. Put 'em in the oven. 450° for about 15 minutes and you take them out and you throw them in the trash and then order a pizza. It's so good. It's so easy. Just follow instructions.”
― Tim Hawkins

“Remarkably, 85% of all people who will ever come to Christ do so before they reach their nineteenth birthday.”
― Tim Hawkins, Leaders Who Will Last