K.C. Davis > Quotes

“What does help is to just let yourself move as slowly as you need to. No timers. No agenda. You may not get it all done. But you get more done than you would’ve if you hadn’t done anything.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“the gulf between what we know in our minds and what we feel in our hearts is often an insurmountable distance.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“Jennifer Lynn Barnes, a YA author tweeted: One time, I was at a Q&A with Nora Roberts, and someone asked her how to balance writing and kids, and she said that the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic & some are made of glass.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“addiction recovery, as in most of life, success depends not on having strong willpower, but in developing mental and emotional tools to help you experience the world differently.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“Upon your seeing a dirty kitchen, your inner voice may say something like, “I am such a hot mess,” but challenge yourself to think of something else it could mean. “I cooked my family dinner three nights in a row” is a true statement. If care tasks are morally neutral, then having not showered or brushed your hair in three weeks does not mean “I am disgusting” but instead simply means “I am having a hard time right now.” Let me tell you what the mess in my home means. It means I’m alive. Dirty dishes mean I’ve fed myself. Scattered hobby supplies mean I am creative. Scattered toys and mess mean I am a fun mom. The stacked boxes in the hall mean I was thoughtful enough to order what we need. The clothes strewn on the floor mean I had a full day. And occasionally mess means I’m struggling with depression or stress. But those aren’t moral failings either—and neither is that moldy coffee cup I keep not taking to the kitchen.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“There is an old saying that neurons that fire together wire together. It simply means that your brain can start associating feelings with certain experiences. This means that if a person was in an abusive situation either as a child or in a domestic partnership where cleaning or mess was used as punishment or was the subject of abuse then that person is going to have post-traumatic stress around housekeeping and they may avoid it because it triggers their nervous system.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“Dirty-dish station: Getting a drying rack just for dirty dishes can mean that when it comes time to wash them or load them into the dishwasher you feel less overwhelmed. This is because the dishes are organized in a way that is not visually overwhelming. Some families find that purchasing a dish tub really increases the functionality of their space. This way, dirty dishes can be placed into the tub, keeping the sink clear for other needs.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“We cannot be everything to everyone, or even to everyone we are close to.”
― K.C. Davis, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship

“We know now that care tasks are morally neutral and have nothing to do with being a good or bad person. We also are learning that we deserve kindness regardless of our level of functioning.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“You can live a joyful life and be just good enough at care tasks,”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“And remember, while you compare yourself to others, convinced that if you could be like them you’d be happy and worthy, there is probably someone comparing them-selves to you, thinking the same. We are all somebody’s Susie.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“Organization means having a place for everything in your home and having a system for getting it there.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“There are just two imperfect people activating each other’s sensitivities and making emotional decisions.”
― K.C. Davis, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship

“The new story doesn’t let her off the hook. You aren’t saying that her behavior is acceptable or that you aren’t allowed to stand up for yourself. Nor are you obligated to heal her or be delicate with her. Instead, the goal is to stop making yourself the subject of her story. This helps to prevent your own insecurities from being activated by hers. You are adopting a new story that removes you from the center of the narrative.”
― K.C. Davis, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship

“Just because you understand where someone is coming from, doesn’t mean you approve of where they’re going.”
― K.C. Davis, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship

“Sometimes I come downstairs after putting the kids to bed, look at the house mess, and think, “I really want to sit down, but doing closing duties would be such a kindness to morning me, so I’m going to put on some music and motivate.” Other times I come down those stairs and feel the subtle pang of a body and mind asking to be cared for right now—and on those nights I do the bare minimum or even nothing at all. Remember, laziness doesn’t exist.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“When you view care tasks as moral, the motivation for completing them is often shame.”
― KC Davis

“Feeling shame for not being sustainable, for eating meat, or for purchasing fast fashion when you are fighting to get through the day is not going to cause you to magically gain the ability to do something different. Shame is a horrible long-term motivator. It is more likely to contribute to dysfunction and continued cycles of unsustainable practices.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organising

“I realized in my late twenties that I’d been playing out the same pattern over and over without realizing it: looking for a role to fill that would finally make me worthy of kindness and love and belonging. When I viewed getting my life together as a way for trying to atone for the sin of falling apart, I stayed stuck in a shame-fueled cycle of performance, perfectionism, and failure.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“If you are wanting to tackle the pile of dishes—read on. step one: preparation Eat something sweet. Get that blood sugar up and find a great song to put on. Get yourself a cute apron and a pair of dishwashing gloves.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“Exercise, as it currently exists in most of our lives, sucks. Like most care tasks, when they function only to fulfill external standards of what we should be doing, it actually moves us further away from real care for self. But when I look back at my life and ask myself, “What memories of movement do I have that are joyful?” I well up with tears. I remember cheerleading in the eighth grade and feeling so happy as my body hit every beat on point and in sync with the rest of my team. I remember jumping higher than I think any human has as we won second place in a championship. I remember how strong I felt that I could throw a girl in the air. I remember youth soccer games and the absolute rush it gave me to feel my foot connect with power to the ball. I remember dancing stoned out of my mind at a Bob Marley festival, barefoot and uncaring that my body moved like a jellyfish, oblivious to the beat or how it should be moving. I remember, at ten years sober, when my wedding DJ dedicated “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse to all of us who had come through hell and survived and an entire dance floor of little sober assholes absolutely went nuts on the dance floor. I remember Josh splitting his pants. I remember my husband looking at me like no other woman existed. I remember being carried over the threshold of our hotel that night, not out of tradition, but because I had worn the bottoms of my feet raw dancing. When did movement lose its pleasure? When did my adult life stop including activities that made movement joyful? Can I get it back? Can you? Can we try together?”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“You do not have to wait to care about your body to care for your body.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“You know what does exist? Executive dysfunction, procrastination, feeling overwhelmed, perfectionism, trauma, amotivation, chronic pain, energy fatigue, depression, lack of skills, lack of support, and differing priorities.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organising

“Extra silverware rack: I found that fishing the dirty silverware out of a gross sink was a huge sticking point for me. I bought a second dishwasher dish caddy and put it on the counter so I can throw dirty utensils in it all day and then just switch it out with the clean one at the end of the day!”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“When I ask myself what makes my kitchen function for me I can begin to identify concrete needs such as having enough clean dishes for the day, enough clear counter space to prepare food safely, access to my sink and a stove burner, and an empty trash can. Suddenly all that is really required fits on a short, finite list. I can do a few things to feel like I have cared for my needs. Then move on.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“My friend and I are simply strength-oriented and stuck in different ways, with no discernable reason to which we can point. Because of this, my advice for getting things done at work won’t help her at all, mostly because it amounts to “Drink a big coffee and just make yourself do it. Then wait around to be inspired about what to do next.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“A key part of slowing down this cycle is to learn how to question the story you tell yourself because of your sensitivities.”
― K.C. Davis, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship

“Next time you are trying to talk yourself into doing a care task, what would it be like to replace the voice that says, “Ugh, I should really go clean my house right now because it’s a disaster,” with “It would be such a kindness to future me if I were to get up right now and do _______. That task will allow me to experience comfort, convenience, and pleasure later.” It isn’t a hack, really. It’s not a formula guaranteed to make you get up. Sometimes you may not get up even with the change in self-talk. But you know what? You weren’t getting up when you were being mean to yourself either, so at least you can be nice to yourself. No one ever shamed themselves into better mental health.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“The solution is to develop achievable and even rewarding strategies for tackling a larger end of day reset. That’s what works for me and it’s just as valid as the choice of those who prefer to clean as they go.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning

“laundry rules 1. Laundry baskets go in bedrooms Laundry baskets go everywhere. They go in every room even and especially in the kitchen and living room. 2. Wash clothes when the bins are full Wash only on Mondays and wash everything on Monday. Eventually this day will become synonymous with laundry and it will be easier to remember. 3. Sort darks and whites Load everything together. Do not sort. Wash on cold. 4. Transfer from washer to dryer quickly Set a timer once the washer starts. Set timer again once dryer starts. 5. Fold clothes Create multiple bins/baskets for clothes and toss them in unfolded. Hang a few shirts. 6. Put away in everyone’s different closets in their room All clothes are stored in one room, which is the en suite closet off the laundry area. It makes no sense to take clothes to three different closets when I am the person dressing all three of those people. Sit on butt and put away every family member’s laundry in under eight minutes without moving. making laundry serve you Laundry does not have to be done the way you have always been taught to do it.”
― K.C. Davis, How to Keep House While Drowning