Choose Compassion Quotes

“Self-compassion can be a powerful way to relate to yourself, to encourage yourself, to motivate yourself. It doesn't make life easy, but it can make life easier. We are all scare to take risks, make mistakes and be rejected. We can't stop these things from happening, and being self-compassionate doesn't stop them either. It won't inoculate us from pain and suffering. But wouldn't life be much more enjoyable if we weren't so scared of failure? Self-compassion can help give us the courage to take a chance, knowing that if we do fail we can be supportive and reassuring towards ourselves to help ease our own suffering.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“I sometimes in therapy have patients referred to me who are depressed and also homeless. In these instances I do not guide the patient through a self-compassion exercise, despite that fact that it might be slightly helpful. Rather, I get on the phone and try to find housing and shelter for them. That is what the person needs.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“The same is true of family settings I have had patients talk about awful things that have happened to them at the hands of their partners. Australia has a terrible domestic violence problem. IN many of these instances, the patient is looking at ways they can better cope. However, often the best thing they can do, the most compassionate thing, is to leave that workplace or family home. We as a society need to provide safe housing, welfare and other supports to help people through these painful experiences.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“Often as people start the journey towards developing greater self-compassion roadblocks appear. One of these might be the environment in which they work or love. Unfortunately, many people work in organisational settings that are toxic. Maybe the work is demanding, colleagues are critical towards each other or superiors are unsupportive. In some examples, workers in conditions like these are given mindfulness and self-compassion programs to make things better, but this totally neglects the systemic changes needed to make the workplace healthier. It also implies the problem is not the workplace structure of culture, but the individual. It suggests that if you just had greater resilience, mindfulness or self-compassion you would be able to cope with the demands.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“We persisted with role playing and, about six weeks later, Adam came to therapy with a smile. He had said no. He said it was for something minor: a colleague had texted him to see if he could go in to the office on the weekend and help box some equipment that was going to be transported later that week.
At the time of receiving the text, Adam was just about to go for a run along the beach. He had driven about 45 minutes just to get there. So Adam replied to his colleague saying he couldn't. After sending that text message, Adam said he felt an amazing surge of positive energy. He went on the run. But then the fear kicked in. He started thinking he'd get a text from his boss saying to get to the office and help. Despite checking his messages constantly, nothing ever came.
A few days later in a staff meeting, Adam shared that he would like to take on a new client. The response was an immediate yes, with his supervisor saying she would set it up for him.
When reflecting on these two experiences, Adam said, 'I know it sounds small and trivial, but these two things have given me such a boost. Why didn't I do this sooner?' By being assertive, saying no and sharing his feelings, Adam had unleased a part of himself he usually tried to suppress. He then said, 'What I'd really like to work on in therapy now is how to start thinking about asking a girl out.' In building assertiveness, he went from never saying no to colleagues to asking to take on a client in a staff meeting and wanting to start dating.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“I asked, 'What do you think was going through my mind when you said that you couldn't help?' Adam replied, 'You probably thought I wasn't a team player and you were pissed with off with me.' He was projecting his fears onto me, something we commonly do. The most compassionate thing we could do was to help build assertiveness because that would ease his suffering, but being assertive was a real fear for Adam.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“When we reflected on this experience Adam was in tears. Even in a role play he couldn't say no. I asked him what he was so afraid of. His response was that he was scared of being rejected. He deeply believed that by saying no he would be excluded from future events and experience. There was also a part of Adam that liked being asked to do things, because it made him feel needed. And if he started saying no, he wouldn't be needed. 'Who would need me?' he said.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“One study demonstrated the impacts of touch and voice on stressed and upset children. The study was focused on seven-and-a-half-year-old children and their mothers. The experiment required the children to complete extremely difficult exams, exams that they could not pass. After failing the exam the child was randomised to one of four conditions: be comforted by their mother in person, be comforted by their mother over the phone, be comforted by their mother via text message, or be left alone. When the mothers comforted their child they had all been told to say the same thing. The study measured the child's comfort in those four conditions by measuring reductions in cortisol and releases in oxytocin.
What the study found was remarkable: when the child was able to be with their mother in person or speak to their mother over the phone, cortisol significantly reduced, and oxytocin was released. Text messaging their mother and reading her text response did nothing. The impact was the same as when they were just left alone. Striking. Our bodies are simply designed to respond to touch, smells and vocal tones. Text messages have none of that.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“Some scholars argue that the future success of humans as a species relies on returning to cooperative breeding and alloparenting. The way modern societies are structured, though, does not make such a transition easy. One advantage of returning to a more alloparenting lifestyle is it releases the burden of parenting on single individuals. There are many single parents, most commonly single mothers, living with significant stressors and systemic prejudices that make parenting extremely difficult. Alloparenting also enables children to receive warmth and care from other adults, which is particularly important if their own parents are the source of threat or dysfunction. In alloparenting communities, the patients I see today who had nobody to turn to when they were upset a child would have had a grandmother or an uncle to run to so that they could receive some form of external regulation in the form of warmth and care. That's not to say alloparenting resolves everything, but it affords parents the support and connection that so many are desperately wanting, as evidenced by the number of parenting books being sold. The books are meant to fill the gap, but a page can't touch you, or say, 'You're doing great.' Hearing those words from somebody you love is immeasurably more powerful than reading them in a book.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“A consequence of our modern social context is that many families live separately from their naturally occurring alloparenting groups, such as grandparents or aunts and uncles. In Western cultures we live in separate houses, often in different suburbs, cities and countries. This freedom of movement is tremendous, but it is not without cost. One of the major consequences of this is loneliness and disconnection, which is a serious issue in Western countries such as the US, the UK and Australia. Loneliness is associated with a range of mental and physical health problems, all of which are likely to impact on child rearing. One study recommends that if you want to be happy, have children, but also live close to your family. In the context of parenting, a recent survey of 2000 mothers found that 90% felt lonely since having children and 54% felt friendless after giving birth, and single parents are at a heightened risk of loneliness and isolation compared to parent couples. We are seeing a shift from supportive alloparenting communities to more isolated and vulnerable parenting.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“I suppose one reason for the sheer amount of parenting advice available today is because how we raise children has changed from when we lived in small hunter-gatherer groups. People in these smaller groups would get to know the child, protecting it and at times offering comfort. This is commonly referred to as 'alloparenting', a phenomenon where the care of children is given by individuals other than the parents, which is usually but not always close relatives. In these communities the relatives and other group members were present 24/7 to help with child-rearing. Children were able to roam freely and could seek contact, comfort and play from whoever they chose. This is still the case in hunter-gatherer groups today.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“There is a huge body of work that shows that the best way to set children up for a positive life is to raise them in family environments that are safe, predictable and warm. Being compassionate to the distress of one's child is at the core of parenting. One study I did found that parents with compassionate parenting goals were more likely to engage in warm and responsive parenting, while those focused on their own self-image (wanting to be seen as 'right' or the 'perfect' parent) were more likely to be controlling and critical of their children. Parenting styles are strong predictors of childhood social, emotional and behavioural outcomes, with facilitative (warm and responsive) parenting leading to better outcomes and controlling parenting being detrimental for children.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“When you reflect on your childhood and think of your parents, what are the three words you would use to describe them?”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“Being kind to each other tends to be the default setting; it shows we care for others and think of them positively when they aren't around. This helps build and strengthen social connections. Interestingly, we also report finding altruism more attractive than good looks and a sense of humour. Why? It suggests that in times of need, our partner will be there to help us. That is a deeply desirable trait.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“The core message here is that our moral and ethical principles can overcome our fear of compassion and guide us to compassionate actions. I am reminded of this time and time again in therapy. There are moments when patients reveal things that they are ashamed of, things that society stigmatises. But as a therapist, if I am going to engage in compassionate help with this patient, I need to override my emotional response and recognise that this person needs connection. This is liberating, and leads to questions like, 'What happened in this person’s life that led them to be violent towards a stranger?' It is a cognitive process that takes training, but it enables me to stay present so I can be an agent of therapeutic change. There is a saying in trauma and forensic literature that 'hurt people tend to hurt people'. What is paramount here is to recognise that the patient, the person, wants to change, and I want to help them with that, to try to stop the hurt. Shaming and punishing are not effective motivators and encouragers to positive behaviour change. Compassion offers a completely different opportunity.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“One profound therapy experience I had was with a mother who was experiencing postnatal depression. Her name was Mary and she felt alone, exhausted and deeply ashamed. Mary had recently had a baby girl, Louise, and at the time of Louise's birth Mary reported being extremely happy. She had always wanted a girl. However, not long after leaving hospital and arriving back home something changed. Mary was crying a lot, was feeling overwhelmed, had no energy and couldn't think. Worst of all from her perspective, she no longer experienced a sense of warmth for her baby. In fact, she felt no connection at all. I remember her saying, 'Mothers aren't supported to be like this. There is something wrong with me. I shouldn't be a mother.' Yet the very reason Mary was in therapy was because she wanted to be able to do what she felt she was supported to as a mother. To me this is an example of heroic compassion. Mary was depressed, and depression robs you of your emotions and leaves you feeling hopeless. Yet Mary was trying to find ways she could improve her health so she could be there for Louise so she didn't suffer. In Mary's own suffering, all she could think about was being there for her baby.
This example shows that compassion is not an emotion. Mary wasn't experiencing warmth and feelings of love for her child, yet she was motivated to act so that she could prevent her child's suffering. And, after months of therapeutic work those feelings of warmth returned.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“The emotional pathway to compassion is the primary pathway activated in daily life. We don't have to think about being compassionate to our children; our compassionate responses to them work off instinct. So much so that the care a parent has for their crying newborn baby is often used as a symbol of compassion. The parent holds the child, rocks the child, sings to the child and feeds the child, trying to comfort their distress. It is believed by some scholars that compassion emerges from this essential parental caregiving strategy. The science is clear: parenting that is warm, responsive, secure and predictable is what sets children up for a thriving life.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“Prescence and touch are incredibly powerful at connecting people. In moments of loss we also tend to realise how limited words can be. Nurses often state that the best way to be compassionate to patients is to hold their hands. One study found the distress experienced when having an fMRI is reduced significantly by holding the hand of a loved one.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“So what would a compassionate response to Brian look like? Here we channel our attention to his suffering: his grief. That might mean a compassionate response would address Brian's loss. He could be angry about his father's death. We could visit Brian, ask him directly about how he is feeling and make time to listen. Physical proximity might also allow us to offer more than words, like a huge. All these are efforts to connect with Brian, knowing that losing someone can create a sense of aloneness.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“The essential feature of compassion that is always missing when going through this series of questions is suffering. Compassion is only compassion when there is suffering. And compassion is motivated by alleviating that suffering. In the scientific community, compassion is defined as 'a sensitivity to suffering in self and others, with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it'. This is not quite the same as kindness, empathy, sympathy or altruism. When suffering is at the heart of the matter, the two qualities that are most important are courage and wisdom.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works

“I start almost every workshop, lecture or therapy session I give on compassion asking what the word brings to mind. I then ask, 'If I were to see you being compassionate, what would I see?' Common responses include listening, being present, touching or giving a hug. These capture some of what I mean by courage and wisdom. But to fully unpack it, I pose a third and final question: 'How would you like someone to be compassionate towards you?' At this point someone usually says, 'I'd like some space.' Other common responses include wanting to be heard, to be given time, to be validated and to be touched. As you will have noticed, there can be overlaps in how we give and receive compassion, but there are also slight differences.”
― James Kirby, Choose Compassion: Why it matters and how it works