I Choose Darkness Quotes

“I am one of the small group of people who go to Halloween stores not for temporary plastic decorations but for actual interior design ideas.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“Looking back now, it seems strange that I spent so much of my childhood on alert for roving satanists and unmarked quicksand, neither of which ended up being nearly as much of a problem in my real life as I had been led to believe.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“You mix a can of cranberry sauce with a can of mandarin oranges and eat it out of a cereal bowl while your family questions your life choices.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“If you hide everything behind the couch and then scream the name of your family member while you pull the gift out and launch it at them, it’s just as much of a surprise (possibly more if they’re not paying attention). It’s also ecologically friendly. You are saving paper—shiny, petroleum-based paper. So maybe I’m not only lazy. I’m carbon neutral. And lightly concussed from a box set of Steely Dan.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“This is a childhood photo of me, on Christmas morning, immediately after being gifted the doll, while screaming “WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK” with my eyes. (Or the six-year-old equivalent.)”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“A second later, still mid-pee, I realized it was my father in clown makeup, wearing my discarded pom-pom on his head like a fright wig and laughing hysterically. This was the night I discovered that bored parents can be dangerous and that it is very hard to wash urine out of tennis shoes.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“Age 5—after a fortunate growth spurt (plus some side-eye from the fundamentalist church we were attending at the time), my parents work through the night to surprise me with something less objectionable . . . a handmade angel costume. Lisa wears the witch costume because, while pleasing God is important, he’s not paying the bills, y’all.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“This was a gentle and naive time before the internet, when all our information came from urban legends and terrifying local news reports.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“Me: But I need to finish Netflix. My editor: Finish what on Netflix? Me: Just finish Netflix. All of it. I think I’m close. My editor: You can’t finish Netflix. Me: Well, that sounds like a challenge. Also, clearly you haven’t had the same pandemic I have.”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness

“When I was growing up, you couldn’t really buy costumes, like I said. Actually, that’s not entirely true because you could go to the Halloween half aisle at the Piggly Wiggly and pick out one of the five available store-bought costumes. These mass-market getups consisted of a small, hard-plastic mask that had a tiny mouth slit, which would cut the shit out of your lips, and scratchy eye holes to give you corneal abrasions, accompanied by a large plastic garbage bag printed with the image of what an actual costume would look like if you weren’t wearing a garbage bag. You would wear this garbage bag and people would use their imagination, I guess, and I desperately wanted one of these terrible, cheap, shitty costumes”
― Jenny Lawson, I Choose Darkness