You Are The One You've Been Waiting For Quotes

“Another kind of happiness exists that you can feel steadily whether you are in a relationship or not. It comes from the sense of connectedness that happens when all your parts love one another and trust and feel accepted by your Self.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“For some people, coming to realize that their protectors are not their Self is like discovering that what they thought all their life was their hair is really a wig. Many of us are so identified with certain protectors that we can’t tell when they have taken over. For example, when my ex-wife, Nancy, would say something critical of me, I would defend myself in a calm, logical way that, to me, seemed to be coming from my Self.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“When you have that kind of love swirling around inside you, it spills out to people around you, and those people become part of your circle of love and support. You don’t need intimate others to keep you out of the inner dark sea because that sea has been drained of its pain, shame, and fear. In your inner world, your parts are on dry, solid land and are well housed and nourished. They trust you to be their primary caretaker, which allows your partner the freedom and delight that come with being their secondary caretaker.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“You can become your own healer—the special person your vulnerable parts have been waiting for. When that happens, your partner will be released from the redeemer trap and its accompanying projects, and true intimacy will be possible.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“What I propose in this book is a hard sell in Western culture. We are primarily oriented toward getting from our partners what we need to feel good and don’t believe we can get much from ourselves. We want to transform the source of pain in the outside world rather than the source within us. That external focus—and the therapies of accommodation that subscribe to it—will only provide temporary relief at best from the inner and outer storms that gradually erode the fertile topsoil of our relationships. There is another way, and we will explore it in this book. Before we do, however, let’s further examine the problems with this accommodation premise.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“The challenge is to do both—to love someone intensely and with abandon while simultaneously fostering their growth, even if it’s away from you, and accepting their parts.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“The American Dream of ever-upward mobility, fueled by memories of the Great Depression and by increasingly pervasive national advertising, infused that war generation with a more selfish individualism. Their baby-boomer children inherited that perspective and, in addition, experienced less of the extended family and community-focused upbringing that their parents enjoyed. Many of us have lost our connection to connection.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“In my opinion, a primary aspect of intimacy involves knowing that you can reveal any part of yourself to your partner and trusting that you will eventually receive that person’s love and acceptance in return.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Instead, once she returns, we initiate a small repair session of a few minutes in which I say I’m sorry for the hurtful thing I did that triggered her part, and she says she’s sorry that her part took over in such an extreme way. Bingo! We’re connected again.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Instead, you sense the pain, shame, or fear that drives the part, and you respond with compassion; their Self is still in there despite the part, they are showing you, and it will return soon.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“When couples really get this, they stop overreacting to each other’s mood swings. When one partner has a “parts attack,” the other stays Self-led and can encourage the triggered partner to help their part.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“In many cases, then, the most realistic promise you can make in step 3 is that you will try to find and work with the parts that are behind the hurtful behavior.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Even when you can’t find any jewels in the trash heap—when it seems as if your partner is delusional—if you remain Self-led and respond to their pain rather than to their words, things improve because what they really want is for their exiles to be witnessed by you—to trust that you understand that you hurt them and regret having done that.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“I used to always take the bait when someone would say something inaccurate about what I had done, and I would respond to correct the content rather than address the hurt feeling that was driving the outburst. I have a part that felt it had to make sure all the facts were correct, as if there were some permanent record of my life somewhere that would be tarnished if I didn’t constantly clarify distortions. Now, in such situations, I can usually catch that part and quickly remind it that there is no permanent record and that I don’t have to respond to either the distortions in content or the angry energy.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Consequently, when I’m working with a couple, I institute the rule that they can talk about their own parts but not their partner’s. So, rather than complaining, “I see that your tantrumming part is here again,” you can simply say, “An angry part of me is triggered by what you’re doing right now, so let’s talk later.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Now, during intense discussions with people, I check my heart from time to time to be sure that subtle protector isn’t doing the talking for me. It has a way of conveying a lack of caring for the other person that makes things worse.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“As you approach the discussion with your partner, you feel a degree of calmness inside and a curiosity about their perspective. Your heart is open, so you are able to hold your love for them despite your differences. You aren’t afraid to assert your position and to speak for your parts, but you also aren’t attached to a certain outcome. You know that you will be able to comfort your parts no matter how the discussion goes, so you don’t come to it with a great deal of fear.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“What are my protectors saying about this situation? What do I want the outcome of the discussion to be, and are those parts likely to get us there? If I could behave in the discussion just the way I thought would best achieve that outcome, regardless of what my partner does, what would that look like? Are my protectors willing to trust me to handle the discussion? If not, what are they afraid would happen if they did? Can I remember that my partner has extreme protectors that don’t represent all of them and that behind them are vulnerability and love for me? How can I help my partner trust that it is safe to not lead with their protectors? If they do lead with their protectors, what do mine need so they don’t take over in response to theirs?”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“At some point, the protector will begin to tell you more about why it’s so upset, and you will likely learn about how: (1) it feels exiled by your partner, (2) it protects a part that has been hurt before your partner entered the scene or a part that feels exiled by your partner, or (3) it is polarized with another part of you that it is afraid will take over and dominate your relationship.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“To simplify this process, you can just ask yourself the following questions: What am I thinking or feeling about my partner? Where in or around my body do I find those thoughts or feelings? How do I feel toward the part that’s causing me to have those thoughts or feelings? Are other parts willing to let me be curious about this part? What does the part want me to know about itself? What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do this job?”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Once you identify one of these thoughts, emotions, or behaviors, focus on it until you can find the source of it in or around your body. Then notice how you feel toward the protective part that was making you think, feel, or act that way. Ask any other parts that are making you dislike or fear the targeted protector to relax and step back (to separate from you) so you can get to know the target part.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Now I am learning that if I say bitter words to the angry man as he leaves the house, I am at the same time wounding the others, the ones I do not want to wound—the playful man teasing, the serious man talking money, and the patient man offering advice.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“She said that since marrying Kevin, she’d neglected the parts of her that loved to play with friends because he had wanted her home with him, even though he was usually in his study writing. She said she would never do that again and was glad that Kevin could now support her independence. Helen was liberating her neo-exiles, and Kevin was making room for them in their shared life. Kevin had found courageous love.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Often it’s not the initial protective reaction that’s the problem—it’s all the hopelessness and fear that rush in afterward and create enduring negative overrides. If I could help them manage their expectations, the endless protective chain reaction would be broken.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“possible. I felt compelled to warn them, however, that since they both had been so vulnerable, their protectors were likely to return with a vengeance whenever the other made the slightest false move.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“When extreme parts are met by Self, they lose their steam. Consequently, when one partner stays Self-led and resists the invitation to the predictable dance, the pattern is broken.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“Once a couple has confidence that the break in their connection is quite temporary, it’s much easier to hold some degree of Self-leadership even when protective parts are revved up.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“John Gottman’s research demonstrated that the form of the fight is less predictive of problems in a marriage than how long it takes the couple to get back on track.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“When you begin to fight, each of you can: (1) pause, (2) focus inside and find the parts that are triggered, (3) ask those parts to relax and let you speak for them, (4) tell your partner about what you found inside (speak for your parts), and (5) listen to your partner from your open-hearted Self.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

“As one might guess, she found exiled little girls that were desperate for her distant father’s affection, furious protectors that guarded those vulnerable exiles, and the caretaking part that had dominated her life for a long time and was currently held at bay by the angry parts.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships