The Hold Me Tight Workbook Quotes

“Are you there for me?” is the A.R.E. question. This key question is buried, hidden just under the surface in most recurring arguments about pragmatic issues such as chores, personality differences, sex, children, and money. If partners feel safe and loved, they can deal with differences and problems together. If not, then relationship issues and fears get channeled into endless disagreements.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“Demanders say: I’m dying here. I am shut down. My feelings don’t matter. It’s lonelier than living alone. By myself. Dismissed. I get no response. I’m hammering on their door. I yell to get a response — any response. We’re roommates. I don’t matter to them. Withdrawers say: I never get it right — can’t please. I give up, space out. Best to avoid a fight — try to keep things calm. I’m failing here. Paralyzed. No point. Go behind my wall. I try to fix it — but it doesn’t work. I numb out.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“DEMANDERS OFTEN FEEL: Frightened of their aloneness; scared they’re not wanted Afraid of being abandoned Frightened of their feelings of hurt Scared of being invisible WITHDRAWERS OFTEN FEEL: Frightened of rejection Scared of their experience of disappointing their partner — coming up short Afraid of failure Overwhelmed Numbed or frozen with fear Afraid of being judged or criticized Reflect on what scares you most.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“Our need for others to come close when we call — to offer us safe haven — is absolute, but not absolutely given.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“This workbook is for all couples — all partners seeking a lifetime of love in a partnership of their design. It is for people from all walks of life, of all lifestyles, because everyone on this planet has the same longing for connection.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“Partners need to pinpoint and share their vulnerabilities and needs in positive ways that lead to bonding moments. This is especially true given that your partner will trigger these vulnerabilities — we are all so fearful of rejection and abandonment. A successful couple must learn how to deal with these sensitivities in ways that build trust and intimacy.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“So forget what other therapies say to do, such as learning how to argue better, analyzing your childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is dependent on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“Before we enter romantic relationships, this biological need for emotional attachment was satisfied (appropriately or not) by our parents. EFT is based on the notion that the attachment bond happens between adults, too.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“Demanders say: I’m dying here. I am shut down. My feelings don’t matter. It’s lonelier than living alone. By myself. Dismissed. I get no response. I’m hammering on their door. I yell to get a response — any response. We’re roommates. I don’t matter to them. Withdrawers say: I never get it right — can’t please. I give up, space out. Best to avoid a fight — try to keep things calm. I’m failing here. Paralyzed. No point. Go behind my wall. I try to fix it — but it doesn’t work. I numb out. A.R.E.: ACCESSIBILITY, RESPONSIVENESS, AND ENGAGEMENT The key question in our love relationships is, “Are you there for me?” This translates to, “Do I matter to you? Can I reach you? Are you accessible, emotionally available to me? Can I rely on you to respond when I need you? Will you engage with me, give me your attention?” “Are you there for me?” is the A.R.E. question. This key question is buried, hidden just under the surface in most recurring arguments about pragmatic issues such as chores, personality differences, sex, children, and money. If partners feel safe and loved, they can deal with differences and problems together. If not, then relationship issues and fears get channeled into endless disagreements. QUESTIONNAIRE: How A.R.E.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“Our fears are wired into our brains. Everyone has them. Can you pinpoint or identify your fears? Listen to the feelings you have, and find, at the core, any fear or anxiety that involves being rejected or abandoned by your partner. To help you get in touch with your internal experience, here are a few of the common feelings or qualities of demanders and withdrawers. Check off the ones you resonate with. DEMANDERS OFTEN FEEL: Frightened of their aloneness; scared they’re not wanted Afraid of being abandoned Frightened of their feelings of hurt Scared of being invisible WITHDRAWERS OFTEN FEEL: Frightened of rejection Scared of their experience of disappointing their partner — coming up short Afraid of failure Overwhelmed Numbed or frozen with fear Afraid of being judged or criticized Reflect on what scares you most.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“SOME PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO USE THIS WORKBOOK You can choose to engage in the conversations in different ways. For example, you may want to do one conversation per day, one per week, or designate a weekend when you will be able to break from the day-to-day and commit to your introspection and to one another. I don’t recommend cramming. One per week will give you an opportunity to get acquainted with the goals of each conversation and the methods within them, and to check in with yourself and one another without feeling pressured to move on. You may even feel that you need to spend some more time on a particular conversation. The conversations are designed to be done in succession, so I do not recommend jumping around. However, you may want to alter the sequence or skip a conversation if you both do not think it’s relevant to your relationship. The preferred way to do the work is to do it together and share answers with one another. There may be times, however, when you wish to do some exercise by yourself. That is okay, too. As stated already, some exercises are purposely solo projects. You may want to photocopy or scan any pages that you want to do by yourself and place them in a binder for safekeeping. For couples who are comfortable sharing, you may want to fill in the exercises using different colored pencils or alternate who answers first. You will find a rhythm that works for you. This should not be a tense experience. Consider it a journey of discovering yourself (perhaps for the first time) and rediscovering your relationship. I know it can be hard to begin the work of love and loving. But what I know is this: The work is well worth it. Our need for others to come close when we call — to offer us safe haven — is absolute, but not absolutely given.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love

“THE GOALS AS YOU MOVE THROUGH THIS WORKBOOK ARE TO: Better understand romantic love—the pivotal moves and moments that define a relationship and can either lead to the mountaintop or take you down the rabbit hole. Better understand your partner’s and your own emotional responses and needs. Be able to describe and control negative interactions and spirals that create pain and distance. Be able to shape positive moments of reaching and responding that create a secure bond.”
― Sue Johnson, The Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide For a Lifetime of Love