The Book of Boundaries Quotes

“But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging is reaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own—which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Boundaries help you perform your best when you’re on the clock, and they help you recharge effectively when you’re not. They improve your mental and physical health; create a culture of respect and trust; keep morale, motivation, and loyalty high; and prevent good employees (like you) from burning out—because burnout is very, very real even if you’re doing a job you love. When employees are feeling energized, respected, and valued, it has a positive impact on their productivity, creativity, and the results they achieve for the business. Remember that the next time you’re tempted to feel guilty for setting a boundary at work—you’re a true team player because you’re helping to create a workplace culture in which everyone thrives.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Self-boundaries are a gift from Present You to Future You, and if that gift isn’t what Future You needs, exchange it for something better.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Habits are built on consistency, and you build consistency by showing up again and again. It’s not about the actual workout, how many shirts you hang up, or what you do after you turn off Netflix; the point is, you went to the gym, made it to the bedroom for tidying, and turned off the TV. If you just keep showing up, it will feel far more natural and effortless to do more—get into the workout, fold the rest of the laundry, or prep your lunch for the next day. Chase consistency.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“People reacting this badly to your boundaries means you’re revoking a privilege they were never meant to have.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Remember that the next time you’re tempted to feel guilty for setting a boundary at work—you’re a true team player because you’re helping to create a workplace culture in which everyone thrives.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“I’ll emphasize this here because women have been conditioned to see selflessness as a virtue, and to require a damn good reason (and often approval) to ask for anything for ourselves. It can feel deeply uncomfortable to state our boundary and let it stand without overexplaining, making excuses, or justifying our desires—so that is exactly what I’m asking you to practice, as a means of reminding yourself that you are worthy of having and meeting your own needs. Every time I acknowledge and honor my own needs without asking for “permission” first, I think of it as giving a quiet middle finger to the patriarchy.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“A boundary doesn’t tell someone else what to do, it tells them what you will do.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“you don’t have to take criticism or field your family’s opinions on any of your choices, from the job you take to who you marry to where you live. You’re not asking your family for money, advice, or even false enthusiasm—your very reasonable boundary is simply “I won’t stand here and let you pee in my Cheerios.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Letting go of the friendship can feel like you’re letting go of a piece of your own history—and many friendships last far longer than they should for that very reason. There’s a psychological fallacy that likely plays in here: the Sunk Cost Fallacy. It describes our tendency to stick with a task, job, or relationship because we have already invested time, effort, or money in it, regardless of how well (or not well) it’s working for us now. It’s a big part of why we continue to hold on to long-standing friendships, even if the other person is no longer a good friend. “We have history. We’ve been through a lot together! I can’t just throw that all away!” Can’t you, though?”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“While it may seem empathetic to share your own similar story (“Look, I’ve been there, too!”), what it actually does is center you in the conversation, instead of allowing you to be there for your friend. The best way to be empathetic here is active listening, reflecting back what you hear your friend saying, and then asking how you can best support them.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Once someone understands how their well-intentioned question was actually harmful, they may now expect you—the hurt party—to comfort them because they feel so bad. You don’t have to do this. In fact, trying to “fix” their discomfort only gets in the way of their growth, and may rob them of an important life lesson.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Feeling dread or anxiety around the idea of spending time with someone is the loudest sign that a boundary is needed.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“feeling anxious, nervous, or avoidant of a certain person or conversation topic is a sure sign that your limits are being overrun, and that a boundary is necessary.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“This is the limit of behavior that is acceptable to me. If you’re willing to respect those limits, our friendship can be rich and fulfilling, full of trust and mutual respect. If you can’t, I’ll find myself anxious around you, dreading our interactions, and subconsciously avoiding you. That kind of relationship is unacceptable to me, and I’ll remove myself from it.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“If we want our children to cooperate with boundaries, those boundaries must be stated in the positive. This nurtures both understanding and cooperation, as well as the felt sense of “I know you can do it!” This last part is a critical and often-missing assumption in the parent-child relationship.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Holding your boundary and dealing with the pushback, anger, or manipulation that might follow can challenge anyone’s resolve, especially if boundaries are a new practice for you.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Those are the consequences of breaking my own boundary: the energetic drain on Future Me; the strain that puts on my mental health, relationships, and work life; and how awful I’ll feel if I don’t hold this one simple boundary for myself.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“people don’t need to understand your boundary in order to respect it.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“DON’T ADD MORALITY OR JUDGMENT TO ANY FOOD OR DRINK. Avoid referring to items on your plate or anyone else’s as “good,” “bad,” “clean,” or “junk.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S FOOD CHOICES. That also applies to comments about how much food is on someone’s plate or your perception of their appetite.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“It’s worthwhile to learn how to confidently say no to something that doesn’t serve you without offering any excuse or reason whatsoever.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Lesson one: You can make people feel bad about what they’re doing just by doing what you’re doing.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Imagine a universe in which nobody talks about other people’s bodies, our food no longer has morality, and we’re able to eat and drink as we please without anybody saying anything about it. The difference between that world and the world you’re inhabiting today is (say it with me) boundaries.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else or telling them what to do. Boundaries are a limit around what you will or will not do in order to keep yourself safe and healthy.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Bringing up fights from two years ago or “well, what about when you do this” is never helpful or productive, so we made a deal that we stick to one topic at a time, and stay with it until it feels appropriately resolved.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“When you are willing to say no instead of agreeing resentfully and fuming silently, your yes will carry more meaning. Your partner will know if you say, “Yes, your parents can stay with us,” “Yes, go ahead and spend the money,” “Yes, it’s cool if you go out tonight,” then you really mean it.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“What we agreed on that day has become my Relationship Golden Rule—the one law we live by that supports all other aspects of our relationship. It goes like this: Say what you mean and trust your partner to do the same.”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“Taking an honest inventory of how the friendship feels today can be helpful here. Setting aside history and how the relationship used to feel, isolate how it’s going now. Do you dread spending time with this person?”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

“This is emotional dumping, when your conversation partner repeatedly dumps all of their emotional baggage in your lap, portrays themselves as the victim, takes no advice or follow-up action,”
― Melissa Urban, The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free