Lunatic Quotes

“I don’t think hiding from a hitman qualifies as a honeymoon.” “If you’re fucking in a house that isn’t yours after recently getting married, I’d say it qualifies as a honeymoon.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“It’s no different from the others. Everybody in this family is nuts. It’s just finding someone whose crazy matches your own.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“I hate to ruin your night, pastor, but every damn one of us is gayer than the Tony Awards.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“I’m going to fuck him so hard later someone’s going to call the cops,” Mac said, nodding his head. “And then I’m gonna convince him to marry me.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“And a Rottweiler named Sadie he keeps chained in the backyard pretty much around the clock from the looks of it.” “The goodest girl,” Noah said dreamily. “We’re gonna steal her.” “We’re not stealing her,” Adam said, exasperated. Noah gave Adam a withering glare. “Dexter needs a friend.” Adam snorted. “Dexter needs a doctor to fix his gas problem. You need more friends.” “Dogs are man’s best friend,” Noah countered, pivoting in his lap just enough to look him dead in the eye. “I want that dog.” “You’re not getting the dog,” Adam snapped, eyes immediately going wide when he realized he’d raised his voice. “Ooh,” Zane said under his breath to Felix. “He’s so getting that dog,” Felix muttered”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“Listen,” Noah said, using that voice he saved for psychopathic temper tantrums. “I’m just saying, it wouldn’t kill you to give the guy a chance.” There was a pause, then he said, “Unless this guy would, like, potentially kill you or something, which, honestly, in this family isn’t exactly a deal breaker.” Archer sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Thank you. This has not been at all helpful.” “Just remember, you need someone whose crazy is the opposite of yours.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“But Mac didn’t have time to Bill Clinton his way through the definition of sex.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“Hannah Montana. I get it. Good one.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“Jesus. I get it. Damn,” Mac said. “But I don’t think hiding from a hitman qualifies as a honeymoon.” “If you’re fucking in a house that isn’t yours after recently getting married, I’d say it qualifies as a honeymoon. But my normal is slightly skewed given my celebrity status and being married to a sociopath, so what do I know?” Elijah asked.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“But some of us,” Adam confided, “are also super fucking crazy.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“The goodest girl,” Noah said dreamily. “We’re gonna steal her.” “We’re not stealing her,” Adam said, exasperated.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“Do you know how many hours my publicist spent this morning assuring reporters that your new husband is not, in fact, a polygamist, but is instead just the identical twin of Elijah Dunne’s husband?”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“It was a post from TMZ showing Archer and Mac clutching each other under a garish floral archway while an Elvis impersonator officiated what looked very much like a wedding. Not a Mulvaney wedding, but a wedding just the same.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“War only benefited those in power, never its people.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“Very little in this world roused enough interest to make him mad. He found his brothers’ antics hilarious, his father’s rules optimistic, his in-laws mildly amusing, and his nieces to be fascinating but rather dull conversationalists.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“Archer liked to be edged by life.”
― Onley James, Lunatic

“Mackenzie Shepherd was one step above a choir boy and pushing mid-forty. He was also tall and sleekly-muscled with shocking red hair, a mass of freckles, and eyes so molten gold Archer had sworn they were contacts. But no, Mac was just a goddamn unicorn with pretty eyes, a huge dick, and a fucking conscience that would make Jiminy Cricket look like Ted Bundy.”
― Onley James, Lunatic