A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars Quotes

“You have a train of thought?” Wicky asked, mock-surprised. “Wooow, really? Like, on rails and everything? I have a Roomba of thought. It can move ahead, but it likes to bump into things, get stuck where it’s not supposed to, and spin off in totally different directions.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Okay, so, I’m in Ikea, right?” Anh started, looking done with life. “And I’m trying to pronounce some of the names on these tags. Somehow—I have no idea how—but somehow I managed to summon a demon. He’s demanding the reason for his summons. What do I do with him?”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Are you seriously trying to make me use ‘yeet’ in a spell?” Bel didn’t even blink, just drolly responded, “Spellcraft is about intent, and the wording of a spell is often the product of the vernacular at the time, therefore using ‘yeet’ in a banishing spell is perfect acceptable. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“His mind wandered to a happy place where he could throat punch people and there were puppies and cupcakes after.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Wicky lifted his head, blinking a little and getting one brown eye open. “I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Of all the things I expected out of you, swords were not it."
"Why? I like shiny things that make other things go squish."
[...]
“Tell me that’s a lightsaber.”
Zia came around to join them, and she was quick to correct. “No, not quite. It’s a bejeweled magical sword, activated by runes that—”
“It’s totally a lightsaber,” Wicky cut in, handing it over with glee.
[...]
Nico was already bounding ahead, lightsaber in full swing. “My name is Nicholas di Rocci. You threatened my mage. Prepare to die!”
And then he promptly started making lightsaber noises as he cut into two ROUSes. “Vrãu, vrãu—”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“At this juncture, it was like playing chess with a pigeon. Even if you won, it’d crap all over the board and strut around acting like it won anyway.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Shirts are crazy if you think about it,” Nico mentioned casually as he snatched up one, then another, and tossed them onto the growing pile on his arm. “Your body goes in one hole and comes out three.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“What did one sacrifice to porn gods, anyway? Dildos?”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Bel had clearly not only failed to make the proper sacrifices to the Gay Porn gods, but had offended them, too. He had no other explanation for why he was in this situation.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“the little mage was so sweet, so giving, and sometimes Nico just wanted to glomp onto him and squeeze. The cute-aggression was strong in Nico.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“when the bright white light popped out in a two-foot expanse, his eyes went wide as he felt childlike wonder. So pretty. So shiny. He could cut all the things with this.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“no matter what branch of the military you went into, you had to fill out forms for shooting things. In triplicate, god help him.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“I opened the air conditioner panel in the hotel room, and it looked like a face, and after I saw it like that, I couldn’t unsee it. I may have ended up staring at it for far too long.” Wicky paused a beat. “The hotel air conditioner has seen things. Horrible things.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Fuck,” Zia said in despair. “There’s two of them. Why did the universe make two of them?”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars

“Are you telling me that you have two hot men in your vicinity and you want to jump both of them?” “That’s…a scarily accurate summary.”
― A.J. Sherwood, A Mage's Guide to Human Familiars