Struggle for Intimacy Quotes

“Here is the kind of thought pattern that runs through the mind of the child in the alcoholic family system: “If I feel guilty, then I am responsible. And if I am responsible, then I can do something to fix it, to change it, to make it different.” Giving up your guilt also means giving up your sense that you have control over the situation. And, of course, loss of control is a disaster. You have grown up to be the perfect doormat for an inconsiderate person. Often you end up in a perfect give-and-take relationship . . . you give, they take.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Există o limită până la care un om poate oferi, fără să primească niciodată, nimic în schimb.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“You may feel overwhelmingly guilty because you have been so ineffectual in your intimate relationships. Even if you learn nothing else from reading this book, please accept, right now, that you are not to blame for the pain you have suffered—and inflicted—to this point. You didn’t have an effective role model for loving relationships. You have had to make it all up. What you did know is that you didn’t want to be like your parents, but you didn’t know how to filter the destructive actions from the good actions. So you created a fantasy about how ideal relationships work from a fanciful blend of what you imagined, saw at a distance or observed on TV.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Validation does not mean agreement. It means respect for similarities and differences. It is the cornerstone of good, solid communication. Without validation, communication is merely a power play.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Anger Adult Children of Alcoholics believe that in an ideal relationship there will be no conflict and no anger. Although they recognize intellectually that this is impossible, emotionally this is what they want. Anger is very complicated and very much misunderstood by them. Historically, anger needed to be repressed. Children growing up with alcoholism live in a very angry climate, where it is never resolved. Expressing anger is never useful and only tends to make life worse. It never did anyone any good.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Fear of Abandonment Fear of abandonment is very strong in COAs and differs from the fear of rejection. Adult Children of Alcoholics seem to be able to handle rejection and adjust to it. Fear of abandonment, however, cuts a lot deeper because of childhood experiences. The child who experiences living with alcoholism grows into an individual with a weak and very inconsistent sense of self, as we have already discussed. This is a very, very critical self which has not had the nurturance it needed. It is a hungry self and, in many ways, a very insecure self.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“You didn’t have an effective role model for loving relationships. You have had to make it all up. What you did know is that you didn’t want to be like your parents, but you didn’t know how to filter the destructive actions from the good actions. So you created a fantasy about how ideal relationships work from a fanciful blend of what you imagined, saw at a distance or observed on TV.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“These characteristics are caused by the fact that you never knew when, or if, your parents would be emotionally available to you. You only knew unpredictability and inconsistency. Once the drinking or the trouble began, you simply did not exist. From experience you knew your needs would not be met until the drinking episode and any accompanying crises were over.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“încrederea înseamnă stabilitate. Există o anumită siguranță în ceea ce-l privește pe celălalt, precum și relația dintre voi. Înseamnă că mâine comportamentul său va fi ca cel de ieri și că poți conta pe planurile pe care vi le-ați făcut împreună. Înseamnă să știi că, dacă luni ați făcut aranamente ca să mergeți undeva sâmbătă, când vine ziua de sâmbătă, voi veți fi în măsură să vă puneți planul în aplicare. Stabilitatea, foarte inconsistentă în experiențele copilăriei tale, poate fi dificil de învățat și acceptat când vine din partea unei alte persoane.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“într-un cămin disfuncțional nevoile copilului nu sunt satisfăcute neapărat integral, ci mai degrabă parțial și ocazional. De aici, copilul învață că oamenii în care a avut încredere îl vor răni și, deci, încrederea e nepotrivită. Ca rezultat, copilul învață cum să aibă singur grijă de el. Pentru a supraviețui, cel mic se obișnuiește să nu mai aibă încredere - fiindcă se poate baza numai pe el însuși. Dacă cineva merită încredere, asta e mai degrabă o excepție și nu o regulă. Când speră la ceva bun, se alege adesea cu frustrare și dezamăgire. "Nu te încrede în alții" e ceva ce copilul învață foarte devreme în viață. În orice caz, rezultatul e contrar naturii umane cu care se naște copilul. E un răspuns de adaptare la o situație de inadaptare.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“Copiii care provin din familii disfuncționale își închipuie că, într-o relație ideală, nu există conflicte și nici mânie. Deși, rațional, ei își dau seama că așa ceva este imposibil, totuși, emoțional, asta își doresc. Mânia este pentru ei o emoție foarte complicată și în mare măsură neînțeleasă. Vorbind din perspectiva trecutului personal, mânia lor a trebuit reprimată. Copiii care cresc într-un mediu conflictual respiră permanent o atmosferă foarte încordată, iar mânia lor nu este niciodată vindecată. Au văzut că exprimarea furiei nu le-a fost niciodată de folos, ba chiar le-a făcut viața mai neagră. Furia nu i-a adus nimănui, niciodată vreun beneficiu.
În consecință, dacă ești un copil care se dezvoltă într-un ambient plin de furie, înveți cum să nu mai fii furios. În loc de asta, raționalizezi, îți explici orice situație până când reușești să o faci acceptabilă și, în cele din urmă, ajungi depresiv...
Cuvintele cu care obișnuiești să-ți descrii depresia amintesc însă de furie. Și, de vreme ce ți-ai reprimat-o îndelung, singurele ocazii în care iese la lumină sunt cele în care nu mai ești în stare să o ții sub control și ea se transformă în turbare. Furia dezlănțuită cu mare intensitate e înfricoșătoare chiar și pentru tine, fiindcă nu știi de ce-ai putea fi în stare în acele momente. Asta, din cauză că nu ai nici un fel de experiență în a-ți exprima supărarea.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“The family system affected by alcoholism is dysfunctional. Dysfunctional family systems have dysfunctional relationships. Your behavior is based upon what you learned as a child, but you don’t want it for yourself. Knowing what you don’t want does not mean you know what you do want. You need to learn what a healthy relationship is. You need to learn how to achieve one. You need to change habits that do not work. Struggle is inevitable. Mistakes are inevitable. Discouragement is inevitable. However, so is—sharing, loving, enhancement, joy, excitement, companionship, understanding, cooperation, trusting, growth, security and serenity. The choice and the challenge are yours.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Adult Children of Alcoholics tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over the environment.As a result, much energy is spent cleaning up the mess. Your impulsivity is one of your biggest enemies. If you feel compelled to make a phone call, fly to Europe, get married, end a relationship—put it off for a while. Call in an hour, decide on the European trip tomorrow, wait until the middle of the week to get engaged or to end a relationship. Once you have bought the time, force yourself to consider the alternatives and the consequences. If you cannot do that by yourself, find someone who can help you. Once you have considered the variables, you can make a reasonable decision (which may or may not be the one you had made impulsively). This is the only way you will be fully responsible for your actions. Later on, if things don’t work out well, you won’t say “if only.” If things do work out well, you will know it was not the result of fate, luck or chance, but of your own reasoning ability.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“First, you were set up for the situation in which you now find yourself. You never had a chance to “do it right” because you’ve never experienced what “doing it right” looked like, or felt like. It hasn’t been your fault if you have always felt that other people knew some secrets about successful relationships that you didn’t know.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Third, COAs’ greatest difficulties are in the area of their relationship with themselves. Their greatest difficulty is the lack of ability to experience themselves as valuable and worthy and lovable. Their greatest assets are a capability of offering you the sense that you are valuable and worthy and lovable. There is much to be gained from being involved with a COA.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Everything is going wrong with my relationship. I know that it’s all my fault. I try everything I know to fix it, but it doesn’t work. I’m not even sure if I love him/her. Maybe I don’t know what love is. I’m so confused.” Sound familiar? It should. It is almost verbatim the story I hear when an Adult Child of an Alcoholic enters therapy because an intimate relationship is souring.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy