Marrying the Ketchups Quotes

“At the grocery store, a clerk told her she'd taken one organic avocado and one regular. "You can't get the two-for-one deal," he informed her. He acted like she had inconvenienced him, like she'd done it on purpose, like she was someone who would scheme to steal avocados. She didn't apologize. "I pulled them from the same bin," she said. "If your produce was organized, this wouldn't have happened." He got flustered and gave her the deal. She didn't say thank you.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“It doesn't matter," she finally said. "Fuck her all you want. Fuck her while the bunnies watch." He looked at her then, surprised. He hadn't realized she knew about the bunnies.
Something shifted inside of her and knocked her anger loose. It felt good---really good---to be furious, to be in a murderous mood. She saw colors differently and her body temperature rose. In that moment, Jane couldn't feel anything else---not sadness or jealousy or doubt. Only full-throated rage and a rush of empathy for Left Eye Lopes, who she saw now had been deeply misunderstood.
"Jane, come on," Mike said.
They pulled up to the restaurant. They were supposed to go inside and discuss things, sit calmly and talk about their feelings. Jane put both of her hands on the dashboard as if she were bracing for impact and screamed, "Bunny fucker," so loudly that her chest hurt. Then she straightened up and said, "Take me home."
Mike drove with caution, coming to complete stops and using his turn signal as if sudden movements would make things worse. He was scared of her and that made her happy.
"Go pay Amy," she said. "And then put the kids to bed. I'm going for a walk."
Mike sat there, his mouth open.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“He chopped a garlic, set a pot of water to boil on the stove, and poured a healthy amount of kosher salt into it. He threw the garlic in a pan of olive oil and let it sizzle for just a minute before taking it off the heat. The smell began to relax all of them and Gretchen and Jane settled themselves at his counter and watched him cook. He poured them both large glasses of red wine and watched as their bodies physically relaxed. He could see the tightness in Jane's jaw go away and he smiled. It was hard to feel bad about the world when the air smelled like garlic, when pasta and cheese were being prepared, when you had a good glass of red.
Sautéed garlic could save the world.


"I call this my bad day pasta," he told them. "It's a carbonara-cacio e pepe hybrid. Tons of cheese and salt and pepper." He cut off two slices of Parmesan and handed one to each of them. He knew the crunchy crystals and salt would go great with the wine. He whisked the egg and stirred in the cheese. He reserved some pasta water. He cranked his pepper mill. He swirled the pasta into a warm bowl as he added the egg mixture until it was shiny and coated.
Jane took a sip of her wine and watched Teddy. "Mike doesn't eat pasta," she said. Teddy took three shallow bowls out of his cabinet and set them on the table. He distributed the pasta among them, sprinkled them with extra cheese and pepper.
"Anyone who doesn't eat pasta is suspect in my book," he said.
"Amen," Gretchen said.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“She had the dumb sense that comes with youth that things would always move forward, that people would continue to get better. He didn't know how to tell her this wasn't the case, but it didn't matter. She had to see it for herself.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Of course she wanted a bagel. She always wanted a fucking bagel. She wasn’t insane.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“he also knew an Oreo could brighten a particularly low day, that the artificial white cream could make things just a touch better. Teddy believed that food could cure anything—”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“1) A “Ladies Who Lunch Party” thrown at the country club. Waiters carried hors d’oeuvres around, kneeling on the ground so that the little girls could reach them. The lunch was nicer than Jane’s wedding shower, possibly nicer than her wedding. 2) A “Movie Premiere Party” where the entire theater was rented out and the kids were allowed as much popcorn and candy as they wanted while watching a double feature of Moana and Monsters, Inc. (Lauren threw up in her bed that night.) 3) A “Camping Party” where each child received a sleeping bag personalized with her name and the backyard was set up with mini pink tents and paper lanterns. Someone was hired to grill the hot dogs and make the s’mores. 4) A “Spa Party” at the Four Seasons downtown where the girls got facials and fluffy pink robes and slippers. (Because what first grader wouldn’t appreciate getting rid of clogged pores?)”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“It didn’t help that Jane hated Chloe S. (As she was known because of the excess of Chloes in Lake Forest.) Her daughter, Lauren, met Chloe the first day of preschool and was immediately smitten. “Chloe has a backpack,” Lauren would announce out of the blue. Or, “Chloe’s favorite snack is string cheese.” Or, “Chloe is going to Bermuda and the beaches there are gorgeous.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Mistakes were made all over the place, all around her, all the time, and she couldn't live her whole life with the sole purpose of not messing up. She didn't know if it would be a mistake or not, she had no idea at all. Jane just knew she had to go.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“(Truly, the Internet was an amazing thing.)”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Rizzo had been Bud’s favorite player on the current roster.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“the Sullivans were a family who believed that worry could prevent catastrophe.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“The camp had a rule that no one was allowed to call home. Cutting off contact got rid of homesickness faster. Best to just get on with it, the counselors told her. Forget about home, they said, it will make it easier.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“He put a Cubs World Series hat on his grandfather’s grave and felt like a lunatic until he saw he wasn’t the only one—little spots of blue dotted the cemetery and made his chest squeeze.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“No offense” was Teddy’s least favorite saying, and it had been that way since he was in third grade and Gretchen started saying it. It was always accompanied by something offensive. That was the whole point.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“February in Chicago was not for the faint of heart. It made you understand hibernation. It made you want to hide in your apartment with fast food and wine for a month.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“None of them had been worried about him, and the Sullivans were a family who believed that worry could prevent catastrophe. Teddy thought this belief was somehow tied into their Catholicism and guilt, though he wasn't exactly sure how. It had been drilled into him - if you worried about a car crash, you would arrive safely. If you were extra careful about locking your doors, you would never be robbed. Always call when you get home. Update everyone on your whereabouts. The worrying would keep you safe.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“A reminder of how many people there were in the world. A reminder that sometimes the right person shows up just when you need him to.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“It was a rude awakening when you realized how many horrible people made it far in life, how often stupid people were strangely successful, and Riley was learning it earlier than most.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Teddy had trouble with people using they/them as their pronouns. “I understand it,” he’d said once when Gretchen corrected him but he was clearly frustrated. “But it’s grammatically wrong.” It haunted him, this misuse of grammar.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“But this part of being Catholic (along with praying to Saint Anthony when she lost her keys or reciting the Hail Mary when she heard an ambulance) was stuck with her forever.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Talking about change makes him feel like he’s losing something.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“The news was always on in the background and none of it was good, but he was afraid if he turned it off, something worse would happen.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“were a family who believed that worry could prevent catastrophe.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Along with the regular brunch selections of eggs Benedict and Belgian waffles, they planned to serve individual portions of Poof in custard dishes. They also had a whole section for different kinds of toast: peanut butter and bacon, cinnamon sugar, cream cheese and tomato.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Teddy knew what everyone would order before they even sat down. It was meat loaf night, which was Charlie's favorite, so of course he'd have that with extra gravy on the side. His mom would stick with the scallops, Gretchen would get the chicken, Jane would either get the scallops or the short ribs (depending on how much red meat she'd eaten that week), and Kay would get the chopped salad with a piece of salmon on top.
A calm came over Teddy as his family went around and ordered, one by one, and he had guessed right. He ordered the skirt steak, creamed spinach, and a glass of cabernet. No one got dessert, although Kay and Gail both ordered Baileys on the rocks as they almost always did.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“A sandwich loaf (for those who don't know) is a beautiful creation, a multilayer sandwich disguised as a cake. It had fallen out of fashion in recent years, but at one time it was all the rage to serve at bridal showers and christenings. To make a sandwich loaf, you take one loaf of bread, slice it horizontally, and fill each layer with a different filling. The loaves from Scandia were filled with three layers: chicken salad, ham salad, and egg salad. Then the whole thing is frosted with cream cheese, piped with flowers and waves until it becomes a floofy white log. To serve it, you slice it vertically like a cake, each piece containing the three different layers.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“The next Thursday she and Mike went to therapy even though there was nothing left to therapize. They went so they could talk calmly, so they could get through a conversation without anyone calling anyone else a Bunny fucker, so that Rhonda could help them work out logistics.
Rhonda tried to appear neutral, but it was clear she was on Jane's side. Jane had won therapy. It was a consolation prize. Rhonda helped them figure out what the terms of their separation would be and asked if they wanted to file for legal separation.
"Yes," Jane said.
"I think we should talk about that," Mike said.
"Yeah?" Jane said. "I think the ship has sailed on talking. Or the penis has sailed if you know what I mean.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Armando prepared like they were going to war, armed with corned beef and Guinness stew. He barked out orders to the kitchen staff as they sweated and chopped. The whole restaurant smelled of coriander and cloves and oranges as Armando made his signature orange whiskey glaze for the top of the corned beef. It was the perfect sweetness to balance out the salty meat. Once you had Armando's corned beef, you didn't want it any other way.”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups

“Jane decides that she'll stay silent until Rose talks, but after ninety seconds of chewing her tuna, she can't handle it and she starts to tell Rose how she started reading the Little House books to Lauren, how Lauren has become obsessed with Laura Ingalls Wilder and the idea of being a pioneer, how she talks about eating fried pig's tails and maple syrup snow. Rose sips her iced tea but doesn't respond and so Jane tells her about the new flowers she's planning to plant in her garden in the spring. A plant that smells like lemon when the leaves rustle. Another that grows flowers that look like candy corn!”
― Jennifer Close, Marrying the Ketchups