Us Quotes

“Nature has neither rewards nor punishments; it has consequences.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Functional actions in a relationship are moves that empower your partner to come through for you. Dysfunctional actions are those that render your partner paralyzed.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Reconnect with Your Partner and Build a Loving and Lasting Relationship

“In the absence of any objective criteria of right and wrong, good or evil, the self and its feelings become our moral guide … The right act is simply the one that yields the agent the most exciting challenge or the most good feeling about himself.24 … Utility replaces duty; self-expression unseats authority. “Being good” becomes “feeling good.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Reconnect with Your Partner and Build a Loving and Lasting Relationship

“In the early 1950s, the psychiatrist René Spitz was asked to consult at a number of orphanages with unusually high death rates in the infants in their care.22 These babies were regularly fed, changed, swaddled, and burped. But Spitz found that the babies were never spoken to, jostled, or played with—in a word, they never emotionally synchronized with an adult. Failure to thrive syndrome was the official name for what happened. In plain English, these babies died from loneliness.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Reconnect with Your Partner and Build a Loving and Lasting Relationship

“Focusing on your own relational practice optimizes our chances of making the relationship work, which is not the same as saying we always get what we want. Digest each other's imperfections, and grieve the things you wanted in your relationship that this partnership will not afford. Embrace what you do have, and allow it to be enough, to be an occasion for joy. These are the grown-up skills of intimacy: skills potent enough not only to transform your relationship but ultimately to heal and remake yourself.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“I'm inviting you to live a nonviolent life in your relationships and with yourself. The next time you are triggered, take a break. Get centered in your Wise Adult - if it takes one moment or twenty - and use your skills:
Lead with appreciation.
State your intention (e.g., "I want to clear the air so I can feel closer to you").
Use the feedback wheel if you can, or at the least stay on your side of the street.
Give your partner an avenue of repair; tell them what they could do to help you feel better.
And then - and this is a hard one - let go of outcome. You have done a good job no matter if your partner responds to it well or poorly.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Swear off unkindness; swear off disrespect. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself: "Does what I am about to say fall below the line of basic respect? Is there a chance my the listener will experience it that way?" I would like you, reader, here and now in this moment, to take the following pledge: "Come hell or high water, short of outright physical self-defense, I will not indulge in words or behaviors that are disrespectful to any other human being. And neither will I sit passively by if someone is disrespectful to me. I will ask them to speak differently to me, and if that doesn't work, I will break the interaction and leave. But I won't just be silent and absorb it. In either direction - dishing it out or taking it - I am right now today swearing off disrespectful behavior. I don't need it. I am developing the skills of soft power, speaking up and explicitly cherishing at the same time.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Okay, so let's say you're the one hearing feedback from your partner - now what? Yield. Don't get defensive, or go tit for tat, or any of that Adaptive Child behavior. You, the listener, also need to be centered. You too need to remember love. What can you give this person to help them feel better? You can begin by offering the gift of your presence. Listen. And let them know they've been heard. Reflect back what you heard.
If you're at a loss, just repeat your partner's feedback wheel.
...
If you are the speaker, and the listening partner has left out important things or gotten something seriously wrong, help them out. Gently correct them, and then have them reflect again. But don't be overly fussy. Serviceable is good enough.
Now that you've listened, you need to respond. How? Empathically and accountably. Own whatever you can, with no buts, excuses, or reasons. "Yes, I did that" - plain and simple. Land on it, really take it on. The more accountable you are, the more your partner might relax. If you realize what you've done, if you really get it, you'll be less likely to keep repeating that behavior. And conversely, not acknowledging what you did - by changing the subject, or denying, or minimizing - will leave your partner feeling more desperate.
... If you are the speaker, it pays to keep it specific. The feedback wheel is about this one incident, period. Most people go awry when they escalate their complaints, moving from the specific occurrence to a trend, then to their partner's character. For example: "Terry, you came late." (Occurence.) "You always come late." (Trend.) "You're never on time." (Trend.) "You really are selfish!" (Character.) When the speaker jumps from a particular event to a trend (you always, you never) to the partner's character (you are a ...), they render their partner ever more helpless, and each intensification feels dirtier.
...
Once you've reflectively listened and acknowledged whatever you can about the truth of your partner's complaint, give. Give to your partner whatever parts of their request (the fourth step in the feedback wheel: what I'd like now) as you possibly can.
...
And finally, for you both, let the repair happen. Don't discount your partner's efforts. Don't disqualify what's being offered with a response like "I don't believe you" or "This is too little too late." Dare to take yes for an answer. ... Let them win; let it be good enough. Com into knowing love.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Once you've given your feedback, you're finished. Let go. Detach from outcome, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous. On Tuesday your partner answers with generosity and accountability. On Thursday he tells you he's in no mood for your bullshit. Tuesday is a good day for you, for your partner, and for your relationship. Thursday is a terrible day for your partner, a mixed day for the relationship, and still a great day for you. You did a fine job of speaking. That's all you're in charge of. Don't focus on results. Instead, focus on how well you handle yourself. Focus on your own relational performance.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“When you share your feelings, skip over the emotion that first comes to you, your go-to emotion, and lead with others. ... More specifically, if you are used to leading with big, powerful feelings, like anger, or indignation, soften up - reach for and lead with your vulnerability. Find the hurt. Conversely, if you lead with small, timid, insecure feelings, find your power. Where is your anger, the part of you that says "Enough"?
Here's the principle: Changing your stance changes the dance between you.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“We tell ourselves a story about what just happened, and our feelings most often follow the story we've constructed. Belinda is being nice. Belinda is being sarcastic. Living beyond individualism requires each of us to take responsibility for our own constructions. "What I make up" is a phrase I ask my clients to use. What I make up is that you're being sarcastic. What I make up is that under your anger, there's hurt. We are not clairvoyant, and neither are we the authoritative voice of objective reality. Keep it subjective; keep it humble. "This was my experience, right or wrong. This is how I recollect it. This is the story I tell myself about it." Here's the trick. For the most part, you cannot violate someone when you speak from the I.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“When you're dissatisfied with an aspect of your relationship, it is critical that you say something rather than sweep it aside. But there's a difference between speaking the way most of us do in this culture and speaking in a manner that might actually get you heard. You can start by pulling your accusatory finger away from your partner's face. ... Stay on your side of the street. Don't accuse them - talk about yourself. Not "Liz, you're avoidant," but rather, "Liz, I don't feel met.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“First, repair is not a two-way street. Almost everyone gets this wrong. When you are faced with an upset partner, this is not your turn. This is not a dialogue. Liz doesn't air all her grievances as an invitation for Phil to then air his. You must take turns. Repair goes in one direction. When your partner is in a state of disrepair, your only job is to help them get back into harmony with you, to deal with their upset, and to support them in reconnecting.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Even while your are triggered, you can take a moment, or twenty, and access your Wise Adult self, the part of you that can stop, think, observe, and choose. Disharmony is to your relationship as pain to your physical body. It's a signal that something is wrong, that someone needs to get their hand off the stove. Our prefrontal cortex can process that signal and choose what to do about it. On the other hand, you and me consciousness knows just what to do in times of disharmony: (1) wrap yourself in rightness, (2) attempt to control your partner, (3) give vent to every emotion and infraction, (4) retaliate, (5) shut down - or some combination of all five of these losing strategies.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“...the day you turn to the person sleeping next to you and realize that you have been had, that this is not the person you fell in love with, and that this is all some dreadful mistake—that, Framo claims, is the first day of your real marriage. Welcome to humanity. No gods or goddesses here. And what a great thing that turns out to be. While we may long to be married to perfection, it turns out it is precisely the collision of your particular imperfections with mine—and how we as a couple handle that collision—that is the guts, the actual stuff of intimacy. Harmony, then disharmony, then repair is the essential rhythm of all close relationships. It's like walking. You have your balance, then you stumble. You catch yourself and rebalance.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Take a break, throw some water on your face, take cleansing breaths with long exhalations, go for a walk. But don't try to grapple with relational issues from your Adaptive Child. Get yourself reseated in your Wise Adult before attempting repair. Ask yourself which part of you is talking right now, and what that part's real agenda is. If your agenda in that moment is to be right, to gain control, to vent, retaliate, or withdraw - then stop, call a formal time-out if need be, and get yourself recentered. The only agenda that will work is the one about finding a solution. Only then will you have any luck using your newly cultivated sills.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“So, here's the first tip for working on your partner's core negative image of you: the more you refute it, the more you'll reinforce it. But the more you admit to the kernel of truth within your partner's exaggeration, the greater the odds that the exaggeration will relax. Try it. Don't defend yourself - yield. Yielding can work as a core negative image buster.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“We all want our partners to reach in and heal the young wounded parts of us with their love. And they always, to some degree, fail us. Because they are human and therefore imperfect. Because, on the day you most need them, they have a toothache and can't be bothered. Because in that perfect moment when you throb with desire, they ate and drank too much and just want to go to sleep. The tough news here is that the only person who can with absolute consistency be there for our inner children is us. And that's okay. That's enough. Once we learn how to do it.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“...few things can trigger us or make us go crazy like our intimate relationships can. Love is like a Roto-Rooter - it will push every button you own; it will bring up to the surface every unhealed wound and fissure that has lodged inside your body. Nothing stimulates hurt quite the way love does. As we shall see, we all marry our unfinished business.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Reconnect with Your Partner and Build a Loving and Lasting Relationship

“The question is simple. How are we to live on this planet? In control, as you and me? Or in harmony, as us?”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“The legendary psychoanalyst Carl Jung observed that the cure for addiction had to be spiritual because in essence the hole that intoxication was meant to fill was an existential hole.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“When it comes to gender, I ask men and women to unite, despite the damage men have inflicted on women for thousands of years and still do. Nevertheless, it is in our interest, all of us, to understand the system of patriarchy. It is in everyone’s interest to dismantle a superstructure that holds both sexes hostage. In the same way, I believe it is in everyone’s interest to remember that we all make up the relational biosphere we inhabit. It is in everyone’s interest to once and for all step beyond the Great Lie of superiority and inferiority, shame and grandiosity, victim and perpetrator. We live as a culture with unhealed collective trauma.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“The same guy who won’t ask his wife for comfort is the one who makes her pay when she doesn’t give it.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“I find myself drawn to the simplicity of the three family roles first described in AA: hero child, scapegoat child, lost child.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Of course, you’re anxious!’ Watzlawick is said to have exclaimed.
‘You’re haunted by your own imperfection, which even you cannot fully escape. There’s a fundamental privilege,’ he told the guy, ‘that all through your growing up and even to this day you’ve never had. A privilege the lowliest white kid in town possesses in abundance. You know what it is? The privilege to fail, to screw up, to make a perfect fool of yourself.’ ”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“No, one must distinguish oneself, one must be special, one must be above average in all things. How quickly and effortlessly that glides into holding oneself above not merely individuals but whole groups of people, whole swaths of humanity. Indigenous people, immigrants, Jews, Latinx, Asians, LBGTQ, the disabled, anyone of color. You assert your individuality by depriving others of theirs.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“He was, as his wife, Diane, put it succinctly, “slouchy, grouchy, and pouty.”

“Could be a law firm,” I quip, to no one’s apparent amusement.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Lead with appreciation.
State your intention (e.g., “I want to clear the air so I can feel closer to you”).
Use the feedback wheel if you can, or at the least stay on your side of the street.
Give your partner an avenue of repair; tell them what they could do to help you feel better.
And then—and this is a hard one—let go of outcome. You have done a good job no matter if your partner responds to it well or poorly.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“We speak with the authority of our training and clinical experience, to be sure, but we’re grounded more deeply in our own relational recovery. We’re more like twelve-step sponsors than blank-screen traditional therapists. Look at the power we give away when we therapists hide behind the wall of “professionalism” and “neutrality.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Since disillusionment through infidelity almost always brings shock, the other question common to all hurt partners is “How can I know you won’t do it again?”
Reality has been ripped apart. Hurt partners, like all trauma survivors, are driven to put reality back together again.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship