What Did You Expect? Quotes

“Forgiveness is a vertical commitment that is followed by a horizontal transaction.”
― Paul David tripp , What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“One way God establishes beauty is by putting things that are different next to each other. Isn’t this exactly what God does in marriage? He puts very different people next to each other. This is how he establishes the beauty of a marriage. The moon would not be so striking if it hung in a white sky; in the same way, the striking beauty of a marriage is when two very different people learn to celebrate and benefit from their differences and to be protected from their weaknesses by being sheltered by the other’s strength.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your husband or wife, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your spouse, and he is committed to transforming him or her by his grace, and he has chosen you to be one of his regular tools of change.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“None of us gets our dream in the way that we dreamt it, because none of us is writing our own story. God, in his love, writes a better story than we could ever write for ourselves. He has a better dream than the one we conceive. He knows much better than we do what is best for us. He will take us places that we never intended to go because, in doing so, we become more of what he re-created us in Christ to be.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you, that is, to rescue you from you. And because he loves you, he will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step in the process of rescue and transformation, which he is unshakably committed to.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“You and I simply never know for sure what is coming next. Think about it: your life has not worked according to your plan. You could not have written yourself into your present situation twenty years ago. Last week didn’t work according to your plan. Today won’t work according to your plan. Your life is under the wise and sovereign plan of another (see Acts 17:26–27; Dan. 4:34b–35).”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“This side of heaven good marriages are good marriages because the people in those marriages are committed to doing daily the things that keep their marriages good. Things go wrong when couples think they have reached the point when they can retire from their marital work and chill out, lie back, and slide.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“You squeeze and crinkle the toothpaste tube even though you know it bothers your spouse. You complain about the dirty dishes instead of putting them in the dishwasher. You fight for your own way in little things, rather than seeing them as an opportunity to serve. You allow yourself to go to bed irritated after a little disagreement. Day after day you leave for work without a moment of tenderness between you. You fight for your view of beauty rather than making your home a visual expression of the tastes of both of you. You allow yourself to do little rude things you would never have done in courtship. You quit asking for forgiveness in the little moments of wrong. You complain about how the other does little things, when it really doesn’t make any difference. You make little decisions without consultation. You quit investing in the friendship intimacy of your marriage. You fight for your own way rather than for unity in little moments of disagreement. You complain about the other’s foibles and weaknesses. You fail to seize those openings to encourage. You quit searching for little avenues for expressing love. You begin to keep a record of little wrongs. You allow yourself to be irritated by what you once appreciated. You quit making sure that every day is punctuated with tenderness before sleep takes you away. You quit regularly expressing appreciation and respect. You allow your physical eyes and the eyes of your heart to wander. You swallow little hurts that you would have once discussed. You begin to turn little requests into regular demands. You quit taking care of yourself. You become willing to live with more silence and distance than you would have when you were approaching marriage. You quit working in those little moments to make your marriage better, and you begin to succumb to what is.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“Trust is being so convinced that you can rely on the integrity, strength, character, and faithfulness of another that you are willing to place yourself in his or her care.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your husband or wife, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your spouse, and he is committed to transforming him or her by his grace, and he has chosen you to be one of his regular tools of change. So, he will cause you to see, hear, and experience your spouse’s need for change so that you can be an agent of his rescue.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“Jesus suffered in love so that in your struggle to love you would never, ever be alone. As you give yourself to love, he showers you with his love, so that you would never be without what you need to love. He was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of love because he knew that that was the only way that you would ever get what it takes to love as you have been called to love. Jesus knew that your struggle to love is so deep that a certain system of wisdom or a certain set of provisions wouldn’t be enough. He knew the only thing that would help you would be if he gave you himself. So that is exactly what he did. He gave himself so that right here, right now, you would have the resources you need to live a concrete and continuing life of love. So don’t let regret paralyze you. Don’t be overwhelmed by love’s call. Don’t be discouraged by the size or number of the things you are facing. Don’t let the failures of the past rob you of hope for the future. No, left to yourself you don’t have what it takes, but he is with you, in you, and for you. Walk forward in hope and courage, and commit yourself to real, active, and specific cruciform love, knowing that his grace really does have the power to make you ready, willing, and waiting.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“fact is that no one gives grace better than someone who is convinced that he needs it, as well.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“So, when you are sinned against or when the fallen world breaks your door down, don’t lash out or run away. Stand in your weakness and confusion and say, “I am not alone. God is with me, and he is faithful, powerful, and willing.” You can be realistic and hopeful at the very same time. Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not about honesty without hope. Realism is found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“The cost of forgiveness is great, but the harvest of forgiveness is a beautiful thing,”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“We are comfortable when we should be concerned. We are passive when we should be active. We are satisfied when we should be dissatisfied.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“Let me play out this life of little-moment inattention for you. You squeeze and crinkle the toothpaste tube even though you know it bothers your spouse. You complain about the dirty dishes instead of putting them in the dishwasher. You fight for your own way in little things, rather than seeing them as an opportunity to serve. You allow yourself to go to bed irritated after a little disagreement. Day after day you leave for work without a moment of tenderness between you. You fight for your view of beauty rather than making your home a visual expression of the tastes of both of you. You allow yourself to do little rude things you would never have done in courtship. You quit asking for forgiveness in the little moments of wrong. You complain about how the other does little things, when it really doesn’t make any difference. You make little decisions without consultation. You quit investing in the friendship intimacy of your marriage. You fight for your own way rather than for unity in little moments of disagreement. You complain about the other’s foibles and weaknesses. You fail to seize those openings to encourage. You quit searching for little avenues for expressing love. You begin to keep a record of little wrongs. You allow yourself to be irritated by what you once appreciated. You quit making sure that every day is punctuated with tenderness before sleep takes you away. You quit regularly expressing appreciation and respect. You allow your physical eyes and the eyes of your heart to wander. You swallow little hurts that you would have once discussed. You begin to turn little requests into regular demands. You quit taking care of yourself. You become willing to live with more silence and distance than you would have when you were approaching marriage. You quit working in those little moments to make your marriage better, and you begin to succumb to what is.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“Day by day Day by day Oh Dear Lord Three things I pray To see thee more clearly Love thee more dearly Follow thee more nearly Day by day.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“But marriage doesn’t function very well as an in-between thing, and marriages surely don’t tend to thrive when we leave them alone and ask them to grow on their own.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“Unity is not the result of sameness . . . unity results when love intersects with difference.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“Because we all suffer from some degree of personal spiritual blindness—that is, we do not see ourselves with accuracy—and because we tend to see the weaknesses and failures of our spouse with greater accuracy, we begin to think of ourselves as more righteous than our husband or wife. When we do this, and in some way we all do, it makes it hard for us to think we are part of the problem in our marriage, and it makes it difficult to embrace the loving criticism and correction of the other person. This means that it is not only blindness that prevents us from change but assessments of personal righteousness as well. If we are convinced that we are righteous, we desire neither change nor the help that can make it happen.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“None of us gets our dream in the way that we dreamt it, because none of us is writing our own story.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“Corinthians 5:14–15 says about the fundamental nature of sin, but I think it is particularly helpful here. The passage reads, “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again” (NIV). The apostle Paul summarizes here what sin does to all of us. Sin turns us in on ourselves. Sin makes us shrink our lives to the narrow confines of our little self-defined world. Sin causes us to shrink our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs, and feelings. Sin causes all of us to be way too self-aware and self-important. Sin causes us to be offended most by offenses against us and to be concerned most for what concerns us. Sin causes us to dream selfish dreams and to plan self-oriented plans.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“So, when you are sinned against or when the fallen world breaks your door down, don’t lash out or run away. Stand in your weakness and confusion and say, “I am not alone. God is with me, and he is faithful, powerful, and willing.” You can be realistic and hopeful at the very same time. Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not about honesty without hope. Realism is found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope. God’s Word and God’s grace make both possible in your marriage.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you, that is, to rescue you from you. And because he loves you, he will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step in the process of rescue and transformation, which he is unshakably committed to.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“But here is the reality: all of the horizontal battles are the fruit of a deeper war. The most important war, the one that needs to be won, is not the war they are having with each other, but a war that wages within them individually. Real change is all about winning this war.”
― Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make

“La confianza es estar tan convencido de que puedes apoyarte en la integridad, fortaleza, carácter y fidelidad de la otra persona que estás dispuesto a ponerte bajo el cuidado de él o ella.”
― Paul David Tripp, ¿Qué Estabas Esperando?

“El pecado se vuelve contra nosotros. Hace que empequeñezcamos nuestras vidas según los estrechos confines de nuestro pequeño auto definido mundo. Nos hace empequeñecer nuestro foco, motivaciones e intereses conforme al tamaño de nuestros deseos, necesidades y sentimientos. Hace que nos centremos extremadamente en nosotros mismos y en nuestra importancia. Hace que lo que más nos ofenda sean las ofensas contra nosotros mismos y que lo que más nos interese sean nuestros propios intereses. Hace que nuestros sueños sean egoístas y que hagamos planes orientados hacia nosotros mismos. ¡Por causa del pecado, realmente nos amamos y tenemos un plan maravilloso para nuestras vidas!”
― Paul David Tripp, ¿Qué Estabas Esperando?

“Perhaps the most powerful way in which daily prayer for your marriage not only has the power to transform your marriage, but to transform you as well, is this: prayer reminds you that you are never alone. Prayer reminds you that you are never left to your own righteousness, wisdom, and strength. Prayer reminds you that each location or situation where your marriage exists is not only inhabited by God but, even more encouragingly, that each is ruled by him. The one who controls the situations in which your marriage lives is not only a God of awesome power but is the definition of everything wise, true, faithful, gracious, loving, forgiving, good, and kind. But there is even more that the Lord’s Prayer confronts you with. It is that this God who is powerful and near is your Father by grace. If you are God’s child, there is never a moment when you are outside the circle of his fathering care. Like a father, he loves you and is committed to faithfully providing what is best for you. When you are facing those disappointing moments of marital struggle, when you’re not sure what to think, let alone what to do, prayer can rescue you from hopelessness and alienation. Prayer encourages you to say, “I am not sure how we got here, and I am not sure what we are being called to do, but there is one thing I am sure of—I am never, ever alone because I have a Father in heaven who is always with me.” Acknowledging God will protect you from yourself. It will protect you from discouragement and fear and the passivity that always follows. It will protect you from the pride of self-reliance and self-sovereignty. If you are ever to have a marriage of unity, understanding, and love, you must begin with this humble admission: you have no ability whatsoever to produce the most important things that make a wonderful marriage. The changes of thought, desire, word, and action that re-create, rebuild, mature, and protect your marriage are always gifts of God’s grace. As you choose to do things God’s way, he progressively rescues you from your own self-interest and forms you into a person who really does find joy in loving another. It is only a God of love who will ever be able to change a fundamentally self-oriented, impatient, demanding human being into a person who not only desires to love but actually does it. There is a word for this in the Bible—grace. Prayer reminds you that you have been graced with a Father’s love and that love will not let you go until it has changed you in every way that is needed.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“The last thing Paul says is his ultimate definition of wholesome communication. It is talk that gives grace to the one hearing. Wholesome talk gifts a person with the grace of love, the grace of hope, the grace of comfort, the grace of forgiveness, the grace of wisdom, the grace of peace, the grace of patience, and the grace of faithfulness. When you speak with this kind of grace, you become a tool of transforming grace from a wise, loving, and powerful redeemer, who is at work in this moment of struggle to change you and your spouse and your marriage. He has an amazing ability to turn bad things into beautiful things. Think of the cross; the worst thing that ever happened became the best thing that ever happened. When you function as a tool of grace, God is able to do in you, through you, and for you things you would never, ever be able to accomplish on your own.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

“God is with you in your struggle. I really do love the way Paul talks about God’s rule over the practical details of our daily lives. He says, “. . . that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us” (Acts 17:27). Paul is arguing that God’s absolute rule over the intimate details of our lives doesn’t make him distant and unapproachable, like some great chess player in the sky. Paul is actually presenting the opposite here. God is in the middle of the details of your marriage, and because he is, he is near. This means that at any time you can reach out for his help. You are never alone in your struggle. Not only has God determined the situations and relationships in which you will live, but he is with you in them. He will never abandon you in disgust. He will never take a break to rest. He will never get tired and give up. He is near you and for you and will not quit until what he has begun is complete.”
― Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage