Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married Quotes

“I don’t like thinking very much about the way I was when I was totally under the thumb of my ROCD during that first year. I don’t like thinking about how I was cold and distant; how I was inconsiderate; how I was disparaging and insulting, sometimes just by my silence and apparent indifference. But I do like remembering how liberating it felt to be diagnosed with ROCD. It meant that there was hope for us and hope for me, and that there was something I could do to feel normal. More than that, it meant that I suddenly had permission to be a good, affectionate partner. To someone without ROCD, that last statement might seem a little strange, but it’s true. Before I knew I had the disorder, I would often become cold or distant because I thought I had to be--in my mind, I was sparing us both pain by not getting too close, in case things didn’t work out. Once I realized that I had ROCD, and once I learned how to treat it with CBT, being affectionate was no longer just allowed--it was a requirement of my treatment. I still couldn’t be certain that the relationship would work out. After all, nobody ever is, really. But I could live my life as though I was certain and that made all the difference.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“For all of you who might be experiencing this, or something similar, I want you to know that it doesn’t go on forever and that ROCD has in fact a very good prognosis. Treatment with CBT and ERP is very favorable and has shown to produce effective results within a short period of time. In our case, after Hugh began practicing ERP with the help of his therapist (to whom I am eternally grateful), his attitude changed overnight. It was a revelation. He had been cold and distant and I had in turn reacted defensively. But then he made an effort to do ERP and in a matter of days he was completely different around me. He treated me with more kindness and he didn’t shy away from showing affection. Of course, there were still moments when he would be afraid and engage in his OCD. But those were nothing compared to the barrage of intrusive thoughts that harassed him and the compulsions he was giving into before. I felt like we might make it through to the other side. Now I understand that there isn’t really another side. We have needed to learn to keep going with the intrusive thoughts, but doing our best to ditch the compulsions. You might wonder that I speak in the plural here. Well, we both interact with Hugh’s OCD. I make the mistake of offering him reassurance more often than I would like to admit, and I sometimes ask him about the thoughts, both things I should never do. But even though OCD is incredibly tough, one can learn to live with it. And that has been one of the greatest lessons we have learned so far. We live with the OCD not as our companion, but as a condition, like so many others, in our lives (don’t forget that I also have OCD, although it doesn’t manifest as ROCD).”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“a few words on something that I believe affects both Obsessional Jealousy sufferers and ROCD sufferers alike--the fear of losing the marriage. Often, what hides behind the intrusive thoughts is a deep-seated fear of the relationship not working out. In my case, I saw my parents go through a painful and messy divorce after twenty-five years of marriage. In Hugh’s case, his self esteem had taken a heavy blow a few years before meeting me, when his girlfriend at the time left him for another guy. He began having ROCD thoughts shortly after that relationship ended. The fear of commitment that ROCD sufferers experience might stem from trauma, and the wish to avoid feeling vulnerable again. Commitment to a relationship means trust and trust means vulnerability. The fear of being vulnerable is at the heart of OCD.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Watching romantic films is a good way of doing ERP, because the ROCD sufferer will get intrusive thoughts about the rightness of their relationship and begin comparing it to the one(s) portrayed in the movie. If they can manage to sit tight and watch all of it, without giving into compulsions, such as rationalization or other forms of reassurance-seeking, then the exercise might be very good for them.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“What’s important is that the thoughts should be upsetting enough to make the sufferer want to push them away or otherwise neutralize them. The trick is to not do that, and to make the thoughts even worse, if possible.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“it means trusting that I know the person I married. It also means not feeling threatened by every little thought that pops into his head, because, after all, thoughts are just thoughts, and like dreams, they’re completely beyond our control.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“three main steps to follow in this: Accept that you have / your partner has OCD Let the OCD scream at you as much as it wants Believe in your values. That is, live as though you have confidence in those values, even if the OCD makes you feel like you don’t.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“both have moral issues with the porn industry, and we believe that its practices are incompatible with our principles. We talked it over and came to the conclusion that, if we believed the practices of the industry to have a damaging influence on gender relations, placing women in a position of inferiority and subjugation, we couldn’t in good faith watch those videos.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Try not to beat yourself up when you have trouble handling the OCD. This is normal, and attacking yourself over it will only make the OCD worse. - Choose to live as though you do have certainty, even as you are plagued with uncertainty. -          Remember to be loving, affectionate, and understanding with your partner, especially as it relates to your ROCD, because it is as painful and confusing to them as it is to you. - Remember that with treatment, it gets better, and that you are doing this for you, your partner, and your relationship.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“ERP. - I will expose myself to my intrusive thoughts, feelings, and anxieties. -          From there, I will either choose not to react to them at all, or I will seek out ways to actively intensify my anxiety, at which point I will not react to them.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“riding thoughts out.” - If an intrusive thought comes up, I will observe it, acknowledge it, and let it be. - I will allow the anxiety to be there until it dissipates naturally. -          If Sophia notices that I am uncomfortable, I will simply tell her that I am riding out my OCD, and will not provide more details even if she asks, as detailing it will only increase the importance that we both assign to the intrusive thought. This will also allow Sophia to treat her own OCD, as she will have to deal with the anxiety of not knowing what my intrusive thoughts are.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“The goal is not to make the thoughts go away--it is to make them cause less interference in your life. -          Doing CBT can make the sufferer more confident--not by creating more certainty, which is impossible, but by making the sufferer more comfortable with uncertainty. - Reassurance, rationalization, and avoidance are never productive--they are part of the OCD cycle.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“the usual fear, anxiety, and guilt, and has introduced myriad painful intrusive thoughts, such as: - Am I not as attracted to Sophia as I should be? -          Is there something wrong with our relationship or with me because I don’t feel that “rush” that comes with masturbating to porn? - Do I prefer that “rush” to making love? - Do I wish I was still looking at pornography? - Would I get that rush if I was with another partner? (This one is particularly painful.) - Am I some kind of incurable sex addict or sexual deviant? The answer to all of those questions, as is generally the case with ROCD, is no.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“started to compare Sophia to porn stars. We’ve mentioned in previous chapters that comparison is a common obsession with ROCD, but this was a particularly violent form of it. While it wasn’t a constant manifestation, it did occur from time to time, and I wasn’t treating it effectively because I didn’t immediately recognize it as ROCD--another common issue with this disorder. After more than a year of marriage, this aspect of my disorder came to light, and we agreed that pornography was actively harming our intimacy (to say nothing of the harm it does to women and to gender relations in general), and that we should no longer watch it under any circumstances. In truth, the fact that I had also become more and more eager to watch porn as part of our intimate life showed that my habit wasn’t something I could truly ever kick, and removing it from our life was the only solution. Since then, we haven’t watched porn again. I’ve still occasionally felt a bit of a nagging urge to watch it, when scenes from old videos and the like pop into my head, but I’ve never actually wanted to, let alone done it. We agreed not to for the health of ourselves and our marriage, and I remain confident that it was the right decision. My intent is to never look at pornography again, and the fact that the urge still arises stands as proof that I’m right not to.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“my porn habit was already causing Sophia pain. When we watched porn together, she noticed how easy it was for me to get an erection and reach orgasm, and she felt that I preferred watching other women being dominated to making love with her. This alone should have been a reason for us to talk and for me to drop the habit entirely, but because of how irritable and distant I could get due to my ROCD, Sophia felt that she couldn’t talk to me about how she felt for fear of me getting angry and breaking up with her. Eventually, the more overt manifestations of my ROCD became less present, due to consistent and effective CBT and, more specifically, ERP.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Be patient with your partner. This can be hard to do sometimes, because ROCD, like all forms of OCD, is persistent. But the more patient and understanding you can be with your partner, the easier it will be for them to treat their disorder. That said, be firm. By now, you should have a pretty good understanding of what your partner needs to do to treat their ROCD. If you see that they’re just giving in to their compulsions, remind them that it’s important to both of you for them to continue treating their OCD. Patience is all well and good, but there’s no sense in being patient with your partner when they’re actively worsening the disorder. Above all, be supportive. In any relationship, partners have to support each other. ROCD naturally can be extremely painful for you as the partner, but it is also a very personal struggle for the OCD sufferer. And as with any struggle, one of the best things you can do as their partner is provide love and support. Remind them not to be so hard on themselves when they do fall into the traps of their ROCD.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“But don’t talk about the ROCD all the time, either. We’ve found that talking too much about it can be counterproductive, leading to more intrusive thoughts, because the discussion itself can turn into rationalization, which is a form of reassurance-seeking.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Practice ERP together. This way, even if you don’t have intrusive thoughts yourself, you’ll be able to offer support and acceptance and to empathize more with your partner, as they treat their ROCD. Turning off the light and lying next to each other deliberately thinking the scary thoughts goes a long way to intimidating the OCD into submission. Don’t treat the ROCD like a taboo topic. There’s no need to never refer to the ROCD or for the OCD sufferer to be afraid of admitting they are having intrusive thoughts. One thing is to not confess them and another altogether different thing is to feel ashamed. Let your partner know that you don’t mind if they are having intrusive thoughts, but be firm in reminding them not to confess them, since this is a compulsion.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Don’t ask your partner to give you details of their intrusive thoughts or to explain why they are having them. Intrusive thoughts are just that--thoughts. We have zero control over what pops into our heads and so there’s really no reason for those thoughts to appear. By questioning your partner about his or her ROCD you are giving the thoughts more weight than they deserve. By the same token, you yourself shouldn’t assign the thoughts any value.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Remember that the doubts the ROCD sufferer is having are ego-dystonic. This means that these plaguing questions are inconsistent with their true feelings, character, and wishes. Consequently, they cause the ROCD sufferer an immense amount of anxiety and pain.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Do NOT reassure your partner. As tempting as it might be to try and reassure your partner that they are a good person, that their thoughts don’t mean that they are a cheater, or that they like someone else, or that they are in the wrong relationship, make an effort to not offer reassurance. A hug or a laugh might work better instead. Reassuring your partner only serves to decrease their anxiety at that moment, therefore feeding the OCD cycle. Reassurance-seeking is, after all, one of the most common compulsions in OCD.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“For the partner of that ROCD sufferer, we have a few practical tips, advice that I’ve come to rely on myself over time, from us both. First and foremost, remember that your partner has OCD. Before getting upset at them for confessing an intrusive thought, urge, feeling, or sensation, try to remember that OCD is a disorder and that your partner is genuinely suffering at that moment. Approach them with empathy, listening and then dismissing the thought as just that; laughter also helps. If you laugh at the intrusions, the OCD loses some of its power.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“had the confidence and the willpower to begin actively treating my ROCD with ERP. I was willing and ready to face my anxiety, and I did so again and again by choosing to be affectionate and loving to Sophia even when I was terrified and confused. It wasn’t a journey without bumps, but by the end of the month, my attitude and actions had drastically changed for the better.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“asked my sister for advice, confessing to her my uncertainty about the future of the relationship. She suggested that I just live in the moment and not worry about the future too much. At the time, this seemed like helpful advice, and for many people it might be. But for me, it quickly turned into a phrase that I would repeat to myself as a form of reassurance whenever my anxiety flared up.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Because both the obsessions and the compulsions are in the sufferer’s head, it can be extremely difficult for them to keep from engaging with the OCD. Indeed, it can sometimes be hard to notice that one is performing compulsions at all. For example, it is very common for the ROCD sufferer to try to “push” unpleasant thoughts, such as doubts about the “rightness” of the relationship, out of his or her mind, but this too is a kind of compulsion, and it will only make the unpleasant thoughts more painful when they inevitably return. By the same token, one can’t simply think to oneself “this is just my ROCD,” because such a statement is also a form of reassurance. What one has to do is train oneself to just let the thoughts be there--to observe them and accept them as they are, without engaging in them, but also without trying to get rid of or otherwise neutralize them.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Since many of the compulsions take place in the sufferer’s head only--rationalicing, rumaninating, avoidant behaviors, reassurance-seeking, repeating phrases/mantras in one’s mind, and many other mental gymnastics--it can be difficult to identify this manifestation of OCD at first.”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“The key is to remember that, if a thought is causing you anxiety, and you find yourself trying to do something to get rid of the thought (including the question “What if it’s not OCD?”), then it’s more than likely OCD. The OCD likes to hide itself, trying to make you believe that you don’t have it. The obsessions, like with any other OCD manifestation, are intrusive and cause great distress to the sufferer. In the case of ROCD, they might get worse at moments in the relationship when the partners are about to face some new commitment,”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“It’s worth mentioning that obsessions often take the form of questions (OCD used to be known as the “doubting disease”), typically “what if” questions. Some examples include: ● “What if my partner loves me more than I love him/her?” ● “What if this is not the right person for me?” ● “What if I am stuck in the wrong relationship?” ● “What if I made a mistake in getting together with my partner?” ● “What if there’s some with whom I would be more compatible?” ● “What if I’m attracted to someone else?” ● “What if I am leading my partner on?” ● “What if I am secretly a cheater?” ● “What if I hurt my partner by staying together?” ● “What if my partner is not as smart as I am?” ● “What if that other person is more attractive than my partner?” ● “What if I am deluding myself and/or my partner?”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“intimate with one’s partner ● Comparing one’s relationship to those found in movies, books, and TV ● Trying to persuade oneself that one’s not hurting one’s partner ● Rationalizing one’s fear of commitment ●        Reminding oneself that it’s all ROCD and therefore the relationship must be right (beware of the OCD trap!) ●        Ruminating for long periods of time on the right-ness of the relationship, one’s feelings for one’s partner, and one’s partner’s perceived flaws and qualities, in order to justify staying in the relationship”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship

“Some common compulsions in ROCD are: ●        Checking for arousal when around one’s partner or checking for arousal when around people other than one’s partner, in order to see if one is “more attracted” to one’s partner ● Comparing one’s current relationship to past relationships to try and determine which one “felt more right” ● Checking to see if one feels “in love” with a partner at a given moment ●        Trying to remember times when one was happiest in the relationship, in order to be reassured that the relationship is “right”
― Hugh and Sophia Evans, Is She the One? Living with ROCD When You’re Married: Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Why it Doesn’t Have to Wreak Havoc on Your Relationship