Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Quotes

“I want to clarify that one of the worst things we can do with a narcissist of any kind is actively battle against this person. Nothing makes a narcissist happier than the chance to be a true victim. They seem primed to fall to the floor, a dramatic hand to their foreheads, and cry out, “Why?”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“This syndrome is a distant cousin to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. What makes PBS different from PTSD is the sense of disbelief one gets from PBS. How could someone who loved me hate me so deeply? How could I stay and subject myself to all that pain despite all my education and awareness? Remember the error message—the brain can’t compute bizarre behavior right away, but after some time, it can look back and parse through the details. But that’s rarely a neutral process. It can create an inability to focus and a foggy mental state that keeps the victim stumbling through their day.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Ask them for a conversation about the incident, and they’ll do everything they can to avoid it. No narcissist wants to develop their introspection. That’s a terrifying notion to most of them because one look inside will show them how much fear they carry inside. They’re not a swaggering, good-looking superstar; they’re a trembling child desperate to be loved. One glance might be all that true self needs to come out.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“First, always remember what drives a narcissist’s behavior. Everything behind a narcissist’s actions comes from a place of fear. They’re afraid they’ll be uncovered as a fraud, be alone, don’t deserve love, and everyone else is better than them. They’ve learned to fight that fear by constantly making others feel terrible, but this sham of a life can’t last forever, and they can see the end coming.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“The victim can see their partner’s disinterest on their face, yet something makes them hold on to the hope that things can get better. They loved them once. What did they do to inspire so much passion and romance before? Can they recreate that same dynamic again?”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“To have our own emotions used against us can feel terrifying. Instead of standing up for ourselves we start to see ourselves as mean, uncaring, even evil. Again, this takes the pressure off the narcissist. They can feel free to strut away from any problem, no matter how badly destroyed he’s left the one he loves.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“These are attempts to make a victim’s compassion bubble up and turn anger into understanding, even when the narcissist does real harm. Most narcissists target exceptionally kind and generous people because they see an opportunity to take that kindness and sharpen it to a point. You’re kind? What happens when I stab at you with your own emotion, then tell you it’s not my fault? Are you still a nice person?”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“That’s exactly what a gaslighter wants. They need you to see them as a guide through life, a professional to hold your hand as you stumble along. This experience makes the narcissist drunk with power. They will see themselves as a genius, able to string along partners so they will do whatever they say, whenever they give the command.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“The more practiced gaslighters—the real pros—are the hardest to detect. They’re extremely careful when in the company of anyone not close to them and make sure to be polite yet not lay it on too thick. They’ve struck a delicate balance that makes it much harder for anyone outside of their closest relationships to see their true selves. Only their partners and families get to see the darkness they carry and often have no one to turn to for help.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“We have to keep in mind that the person doing the gaslighting is hiding something. They aren’t all necessarily secret criminals like Gregory in the movie, but they each have a terrible secret. They’re insecure, and some sick part of themselves believes that making someone who trusts and loves them feel terrible will build them up.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Remember that narcissists love to make others doubt their reality at every opportunity. Once your motives and actions are called into question, you’ll either defend yourself or question your reality. That’s a big win for a narcissist.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“That name-calling tactic has a goal: narcissists want the people around them to abandon their personal lives, separate identities, and sense of self-worth by arguing with them. If we’re busy fighting with our partner or family member about their image of us, we’re not out living our lives. The point goes to the narcissist.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“A narcissist can be a great friend as long as they see you as someone who will get them what they want. Most narcissists see their social group, romantic partners, or family members as special tools to unlock the life they want. And narcissists always want; they’re never satisfied.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“All of this affects how a narcissist relates to others. Their relationships exist to make them look good and no one else. Their thin veneer of false self-confidence can come crumbling down at any moment, and they have to be in complete control of their date or partner.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Attention is a narcissist’s bread and butter. They won’t do anything if no one will see them. Why help someone if no one is looking? Why get a job with no opportunity for recognition? No, the narcissist wants to ensure that they have an audience, even a small one, before they do you a favor or put in any extra effort at the office.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Narcissism is a personality. A narcissist exhibits traits that send a singular message: “I come first.” This person might manipulate those around them, tell lies, deny saying or doing anything that could cause potential embarrassment, or be abusive.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Manipulative relationships are impossible to see from the inside, yet when we find ourselves in one, we can still sense that something is wrong. Every time we try to pin down what exactly could be the issue, we’re quickly assured by our partner that we’re way off. This could be thanks to a sudden rush of sweetness or a big fight in which we find ourselves apologizing, though we’re not quite sure why we’re the sorry ones.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Trust me—the best revenge is you finding your own happiness. That makes you a clear victor. Don’t give your abuser anymore of your energy or time, even if it’s meant to hurt them. Focus on building your new, better life.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Keep reminding yourself that staying means disrupting your life. It means committing to a toxic person, not a loving one. It also means you see yourself as someone who does not deserve happiness and love, but you do!”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“It’s not productive for us to sit here and criticize each other. I’m ready to talk about this like an adult. When you’re ready, you know where to find me.” Then get up and walk away. Don’t say you’re leaving or where you’re going; get out the door without apologies.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Remember that getting upset can make it hard to present your side of a situation or make a coherent argument. Your gaslighter wants you to be an emotional wreck so they can maintain their presence as the calm, logical one in the relationship. Don’t fall for it! Do whatever you need to keep yourself balanced.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“You’ll hear it in phrases like, “What do you mean?” or “You’re not making any sense.” These attempts to redirect the conversation get the narcissist’s partner to focus on being clear rather than the actual problem.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“On a basic level, it helps them gain control. The person they’ve torn down will either question themselves, doubt something they know to be true, or leave. All scenarios are a win for the manipulator; the first two give them a willing participant whom they can continue to control, and the last gives them someone who sees their true personality out of their circle, allowing them to avoid accountability.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“The reason I feel so strongly about gaslighting and worked so hard in my career to help people see it is because it’s a weapon. This thing causes damage, but it also violates the love and trust you’ve given to your partner or friend. It looks at your affection and sees a chance to twist it into a shiv that can cut you deeply and leave you bleeding for years, wondering where it all went wrong.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Someone who gaslights another person, such as a child, partner, or family member, wants to make that person question their sanity, memories, or perception of reality. Like Gregory playing with the lights or making objects disappear, it’s a ploy to make a person feel powerless in the world and their relationship. A successful attempt at gaslighting ends with one person telling the other what’s real, what their opinion should be, and what they remember. Let someone gaslight you long enough, and you’ll atrophy into a kind of zombie bumping around in the world.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“I want to clarify that gaslighting is abuse. It is an emotional and psychological beating that can leave a victim scarred and uncertain of their own reality for years to come. I don’t want you to fall into or stay in the terrible cycle of gaslighting because it can do horrible things to your stress level, fear, anxiety, and sanity.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“This move is called triangulation. Jan’s claim that I was “depressed”, and she was “worried” about me were meant to make me worry that perhaps I wasn’t feeling quite right. Narcissists love making their partners or family members question their own sanity. It puts the narcissist right in the driver’s seat and makes them look like a saint for being concerned in the first place.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Remember that all of this is designed to make you—the one on the receiving end of the abuse—feel better. I don’t want you to waste time trying to fix your abuser or hanging onto the belief that one day they’ll wake up a saint. We can’t control others’ actions because it’s an impossible feat. What we can control is how well we take care of ourselves and how much we value ourselves as people.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“This is a long con. Your narcissist partner or relative will feign concern for you while dropping hints that you are “unstable” or calling you “crazy” to anyone in your personal network. This works as a defense in case you go to anyone for help.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All

“Stand on what you know to be true. When your gaslighter sounds confident, that doesn’t mean they’re automatically right; it means they are certain they can manipulate you and make you feel weak.”
― Don Barlow, Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators and Break Free Once and for All