Noob Game Plus Quotes

“That was not my tail, ye bastard!” screamed Badgelor. “Uh, if you and Badgelor need a moment...” Shart trailed off. “Worst hand job ever,” hissed the badger.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“Jerry finally yelled, “Jim! We need your help.” “I’m behind you,” I said, trying to keep the impatience out of my voice.  Jerry spun around, spotting us.  From his new vantage point, there was a tree and a bush in the way.  All he could see was part of my head and Badgelor’s tail.  “Oh, you were taking a dump,” he said.  Apparently, my exasperated face and my dropping-a-deuce face were similar.  Good to know.  “Nope, just standing here,” I ground out.  Jerry rushed through the bush, tripped again, and landed in the only mud puddle in the area.  Globs of mud flew toward us. like a claymore mine.  Several splattered over my clean armor.  One large chunk flew right into Badgelor’s nose. An instant later, Badgelor sneezed in a most unheroic fashion.  The sudden bucking motion caused me to fall off my steed and land in a heap, directly in front of Jerry.  I got to my feet an instant before he managed to look up.  Badgelor had turned away to paw at his nose desperately.  Shart was, as usual, laughing hysterically. “Did he just sneeze?” asked Jerry. “No, that is an ancient War Badger Battle Cry,” I replied evenly.  “Badgelor senses trouble.” Jerry paused, turning to face Badgelor in wonder.  “Amazing.  So, he knows that someone is attacking Lorraine’s estate?” “We suspected it,” I nodded sagely, which was true.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“This is stupid.  You two children need to go home,” I growled. “Like hell!  Who do you think you are to order us about, the king?” growled Shelly, standing with her spine erect.  Jerry said something, too, but he was face down in the mud.  He could have been pleading for help or making death threats; it all would have sounded the same.  I reached forward and grabbed her by the armor, then lifted.  Lifting heavy objects was a combination of your Strength stat and your Stamina pool.  I had a massive pool of Stamina that had regenerated, and I was well and truly done with this.  “No, I am Jim, the Curious Puppy.  You need to learn to mind your manners.” ●   Intimidation check: critically successful, Rank Up! New rank: Advanced! “Sorry, Daddy, I’ve been naughty,” she hissed out with wild eyes.  That was the actual reply used in the stupid Curious Puppy books, when Jim taught someone a lesson they should already know.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“Like everything else, the Ghoulsters had a weakness.  Their oppressive aura all but crushed your will to fight.  However, if you got into the correct emotional state, it did not affect you at all.  You had to be happy when attacking them, which their aura of fear made challenging. However, they had vastly underestimated Badgelor’s love of blasting things in the crotch with his Laser Vision.  Few things in life brought him greater joy than what he was doing right now.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“●   You have discovered Divine Lore:  Your knowledge of Divine magic has expanded greatly!  You know secrets only known to the gods! “Did you just pick up Divine Lore?” Shart groaned.  “Magical secrets known only to the most wizened of sages and you.” “It was technically an accident.  I was thinking about Divine magic,” I defended. “That doesn’t make it any better,” replied Shart.  “If anything, it makes it substantially worse.” “I’m surprised there isn’t a group skill, like a Magical Lore,” I stated.  I actually sighed when nothing appeared. “It's called Mystical Lore, Dum Dum,” stated Shart.  ●   You have discovered Mystical Lore:  Your knowledge of various subsystems of magic have culminated with you learning the most challenging of all Magical Lore skills.  Congratulations!  By achieving level 0 in all primary casting classes, you have successfully unlocked this rare skill.  ●   With your current ranks in Arcane Lore, Divine Lore, Primal Lore, and Psychic Lore, your new skill level will be Unskilled.  Minimum skill rank is Initiate.  Your new rank will be Initiate in Mystical Lore!  All further Skill Point gains will be granted to Mystical Lore.  I coughed.  Shart said nothing for a long moment. “I counted to 100.  I’m good now,” he finally responded.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“I looked around but still didn’t see any bear tracks.  “I guess there aren’t any bears after all,” I said. ●   A Drop Bear has attacked you.  You suffer 47 points of Damage from a sneak attack!”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“A haggard woman ran into the main hall, which had been steadily clearing out as Zorlando gave his rambling report to me.  Her eyes locked onto mine.  In a furious scream, she shrieked, “What did you do to my husband?” “Dum Dum, hide.  It’s a banshee!” warned Shart. AvaSophia charged the podium.  Zorlando stepped back, allowing her to walk right over to my hologram.  She went to hit me, swinging her hand right through my face.  “He’s broken!” she cried out as her hand missed.  “You broke my Fenris!” ​“Oh, never mind.  It’s just her,” Shart sighed.  His typing resumed.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“What happened up here?” “I had a sandwich.” “I disagree,” she retorted, as a large lump of intestines fell from the ceiling. “It wasn’t a very good sandwich,” I explained. “You killed all the guards,” she said, stepping into the kitchen.  She very promptly stepped right back out.  “All but the one that escaped.  How is the one that got burned to death in the fireplace?  Crispy?” I guessed. “You could have warned me,” she hissed, visibly attempting to gather control over herself.  “Excuse me; I’m not used to second-level clerics who can clear a room full of 12th level guards.” “I was only first level when I did it,” I said.  “You know, if that helps.”  “Oh, that makes perfect sense,” she smiled sarcastically.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“As an unusually cold blast of wind blew through my cell, a thought occurred to me.  I remembered a story about a man who had killed a bear with a frozen weapon.  I sighed, pulling aside my flap. “What the hell are you doing?” yelled Shart, as my grunting filled our ears. “Making a lock pick,” I replied. “No, oh, that’s gross even for you, you stupid meat bag,” groaned the demon.  “I have a better idea, anyway.” “Can you remotely open the door?” I asked, hopefully.  I wasn’t super interested in making a frozen brownie brick to use as a lock pick anyway.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus