Diddly Squat Quotes

“But in my mind tractors are like penises. They cannot be too big.”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm

“The next day I called my neighbouring farmers to say I was going to have a coronary, and they all had the same piece of advice. I had to accept whatever happens, because that’s farming. They also said I had to be patient, which is not possible. I can’t be patient. It’s not in my DNA. It’s a bit like telling Nicholas Witchell he has to be a Moroccan cage fighter.”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm

“Most people can bend over to pick stuff up without thinking, but it’s no longer possible for me. If I bend at the hips, I get a jarring pain in my kidneys, and if I bend at the knee, I know I will not be able to get up again. This is a problem, because the ability to bend over in farming is as important as the ability to do strangling in the special forces.”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm

“I will grant you, however, that the jet fighter does look better than a combine. Other things that look better than a combine include most wheelbarrows, your chest freezer, the marabou stork, the Chrysler PT Cruiser and Kim Jong-un’s hair.”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm

“If there has never been a farm shop, then there should never be a farm shop. Especially if it’s run by someone who, like me, has lived in the area for only twenty-five years. I bet when Alexander Fleming invented penicillin, the village elders ran around saying that diarrhoea had been a part of rural life for hundreds of years and that they wanted to make sure it stayed that way.”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm

“(in farming, you have to get permission from the government to get up in the morning)”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm

“Wars battle cruiser has had sex with Edward Scissorhands, and what it does is breathtaking. The operator drives up to the tree and tells the machine what sort”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm

“assassin took his gun out of his crutch.”
― Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat: A Year on the Farm