How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen Quotes

“And finally, when we punish our children we are modeling an approach to conflict that they will use with each other. When they don’t like what someone is doing, they will think of a way to make them suffer instead of thinking of a way to solve the problem: “If you don’t let me use your light saber I’m not inviting you to my birthday party.”… “If you don’t stop singing in my ear, I’m going to punch you.”… “Get out of my room now or I’ll break your phone!” So with all that evidence against the practice of punishment, have we arrived at a gentler future in which every conflict is resolved with a shower of love, and unicorns, and a rainbow sparkling overhead? Does this mean that all we have to do is remember to be kind and reasonable with our children? Have you ever MET a child? The fact is, even when we start out trying to be kind and reasonable, we sometimes find ourselves faced with negativity and defiance from our kids. Before we know it, we’ve painted ourselves into a corner where it feels like punishment is the only option. How does this happen? Let’s watch in slow-motion:I A command disguised as a question”
― Joanna Faber, How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood

“Great! Perfect! Fantastic! Beautiful! Good job! This kind of praise is strangely too much and too little at the same time. Too much because these superlatives don’t come across as authentic. Too little because they can feel generic and dismissive. Did Dad really look at it? Does he like it or is he just saying that? It’s easier to say “good job” than it is to pay close attention to something a child is showing us. Often kids will respond, “But do you really like it?” What can a parent or teacher do instead that will satisfy a child’s need for recognition? You can take an extra minute to describe what you see. If you have another minute to spare, you can even ask a question to show your interest and give your child an opportunity to elaborate. It can be enormously gratifying to a child when an adult takes the time and effort to notice the details of her accomplishment. It can even inspire her to greater heights.”
― Joanna Faber, How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood

“It’s hard for a child to accept superlatives like “great” and “excellent,” when they don’t match his own perception. Often such praise causes him to focus on his weaknesses instead of his strengths. And if a child does accept our proud parental pronouncements at face value, it might cause other problems down the line. We’re not giving him a realistic picture of his abilities. Where can you go from “great” and “excellent”? Why would you put in the hard work to improve? We need an alternative to the unsupported superlative!”
― Joanna Faber, How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood

“If we always approach children with the goal of correcting them or getting them to follow our agenda, at some point they’re not going to see any reason to cooperate, or even interact with us at all. We may need to take some time to reconnect. To do something together “just for the fun of it.”
― Joanna Faber, How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood