Chosen Suffering Quotes

“In my experience, the process of achieving the goal became joy-filled. Identifying your priceless does that. It keeps us up late and wakes us up early. There’s no separation between work and play when we love our craft. I was experiencing that, thanks to this sport. Despite my immaturity and lack of experience, my work ethic, and no fear of failing elevated me. I took chances, made mistakes, and fell short. I was obsessed with building Hofstra into a national powerhouse. Sometimes I handled things wrong, and sometimes I tried to do too much at once. But I learned and kept working. Wrestling was my life, and at some point, my god.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“After an hour and a half, the surgeon walked through that door toward us. Why won’t you look up? Please look up! As the surgeon approached us with sorrow-filled eyes, he said with a sigh, “I’m sorry.” All my life, I’ve lived with the guarantee that children outlive their parents. I was wrong.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“We had never consistently prayed together in the first eleven years of marriage. In the coming days, I would often find myself on my knees in prayer, but not on this night. In this moment, I was chasing the fleeting hope found in the ambulance that raced my son to the hospital. We reached out to the God I knew was there but hadn’t allowed as part of the inner circle of my life. I believed but never fully trusted enough to commit. Sometimes, we never fully commit until the circumstances demand it.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“I thought about the things we take for granted in our lives and the promises we believe we’re entitled to. At that moment, I learned the only guarantee is that life is a gift. I didn’t need or want this lesson, but I was about to learn much more in the days, weeks, and months ahead.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“As the chase ensued, Teague didn’t realize Lyn was hiding around a corner. He’d lost sight of her in the chase. As he darted past her, she scooped him up. At that moment, while still seated at the head of the table, something overwhelmed me. My body was hit with a strange sensation I’d never felt before. I didn’t know what it was and shook it off. But I’ll never forget it. When Lyn snatched Teague up into her arms, I noticed his head dangling a bit, but I didn’t say anything because moms are baby-carrying experts. The dogs jumped at him as though something was wrong.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.”3 Deep suffering often has a distinct, poignant effect on our lives. It did for me. The chosen suffering for me was deep, but not deep enough. Maybe I wasn’t tough enough to initiate the type of pain that unchosen suffering caused me. Welcome to unchosen suffering. Unchosen suffering brought me to my knees. It’s a pain inflicted upon us by circumstances outside our control. You wouldn’t choose this suffering if given the option. It causes deep wounds and ropey scars on your soul. Not every type of unchosen suffering drops us but the one I experienced did. Nothing prepares anyone for this sudden life alteration. It’s a jolting, shocking pain. At thirty-six years old, I found out through personal experience, and it would change the way I thought and the way I walked on this planet.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“regularly chose to suffer in the wrestling room because I knew the results. Of course, I suffered most for the things I loved deeply. But, excellence also requires us to invest in things we may not deeply love. It’s just more sustainable when we love what we pursue.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“On the personal side, I was married to a wonderful woman. We had four children, and my life couldn’t have been much better. Sure, we had our moments of challenges raising four kids, working full-time jobs, paying the bills, and dealing with life’s trials. But overall, things were going well, so I wasn’t in a place of deep pain, and I didn’t carve out any time to consider whether God did or didn’t exist.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“I was only twenty-five, had little coaching experience, and I wasn’t ready to lead, but they hired me anyway. The connection to Gable and my local roots helped me get the head coaching job at such a young age. Of course, I had to let go of the Olympic Dream. It wasn’t really too tough a decision. Denial isn’t a place where I lived too often. I assessed my situation, let go of my wrestling career, and began to invest in others.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Eventually, when I decided to leave coaching and compete again, we got married and moved to the small town of Hills, Iowa, which is south of Iowa City. Before we knew it, Lyn was pregnant with Jake, and our family was growing. I was growing too, now responsible for three lives beside my own. I was waiting on tables a couple of days a week and earning a small stipend from the Hawkeye wrestling club. We had a small house out in the country, and we were happy, but finances were tight. Like most couples starting out, we had to work together and stay together. As a waiter, I wasn’t bringing in a lot of money, and the Hawkeye club couldn’t pay much other than assist with training expenses. We started our family, had no health insurance, and struggled to make ends meet. Things weren’t working so well. I remember my conversation with Coach Gable. His honesty gave me some great clarity. Wanting big things for our lives simply isn’t enough. We need a deep obsession to act on what we desire. It’s chosen suffering and self-learning through the deepest desire to prevail. Toward the end of my first-year wrestling for the Hawkeye wrestling club, a job at Hofstra opened up. The Athletic Director called me for a meeting about their program. A few Hofstra alumni called as well. A good friend, Guy Truicko, wanted to help me get the position.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Looking back, I wasn’t ready for coaching as I was immature and unable to lead anyone. I could wrestle hard, and I understood many important aspects of the sport, but I wasn’t too sure about who I was and what I wanted. As a team, we fought for respect. I fought to shrink the empty feeling I carried. I needed to make sense of my life. I stayed for two years, just long enough to create an opportunity that would bless me a year later. Indiana gave me the coaching experience I desperately needed. During the second year at Bloomington, I met my wife, Lynette, and her one-year-old son, Jordan. They changed my life in many ways. She was beautiful and honest. I wasn’t ready for this in my life as my core wasn’t quite strong enough. Jordan, who I eventually adopted, was amazing. He was so smart and made life better.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“My identity was so wrapped up in who I was as a wrestler and my vision quest to become an NCAA champ. I calculated most of my life around practice times and being prepared physically and mentally for them. I planned when and what I ate and every partner I’d train with and why. I learned to control all the things I could. The margin of error between good and great and attaining the goal or missing it was so narrow.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“After the NCAA’s my senior year, I worked in the Amana colonies on an assembly line where I shaved down parts for refrigerators. Working eight hours on the night shift felt like I was punishing myself for not winning. I was angry and empty for a while, numbing myself with work that was simple and repetitive. Every thirty-seconds I received a part on my spot on the assembly line. I grabbed it, shaved down any sharp edges, and placed it back on the line.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“I remember Gable putting his arm around me as I walked off the stage of the NCAA final. I wanted that win so badly. I was so close. How could I have allowed my mind to drift during the biggest moment and event of my life? I didn’t come to Iowa for Big Ten titles. I didn’t even consider them. I came for NCAA Titles and fell short. There was an emptiness in me. Though I wasn’t lost, I was hurting. What I came to Iowa for alluded me. A last-second loss as a junior and an injury-riddled senior year left me in an empty place. So much went into winning. What would college leave me hungry for? It would leave me so close but never attaining what I deeply longed for.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“I faced Pat Smith in the finals, the man who I had previously beaten. This time, I lost 7-6. Pat became the first four-time NCAA champion. I was winning with less than thirty seconds to go when we went out of bounds. To this day, I remember every thought and every second of every position. A few nights before the NCAA finals, I had dinner with my technical coach, Jimmy Zalesky. Jimmy was a three-time NCAA champ who helped me, as did his older brother, Lenny. These brothers were tough and technical. They’re great men who are both college head coaches and good friends. When I went out of bounds, I remembered the conversation between Jimmy and me the week before. I asked him what it felt like to win his first title. As my opponent and I walked back to the center, I allowed my brain to recall that previous evening’s conversation. As soon as my foot was on the line in the center of the mat, the referee blew the whistle. Pat shot and got to my ankle. A scramble ensued, and he came out on top with twelve seconds to go. I fought hard to get out, which sent the match into a tough back and forth battle in the final seconds. Ultimately, I couldn’t escape and lost the NCAA final match. That was the biggest loss of my life. I squared up with my foot on the line, thinking I was seconds away from winning. I had the mindset of protect and defend. Simultaneously, Pat squared up, thinking he was seconds away from also winning. He had the mindset of attack and score. It was a battle of mindsets, and his prevailed.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Small gains came, and I held onto each one. I formed small, non-negotiable habits previously not part of my life. Deeply in love with wrestling now, I assessed every aspect of the sport to identify where I could make gains. Making sure I chose my weekly training partners every Monday would ensure I had the right partner to challenge me. I wanted to be deeply challenged in every practice. Sunday, I made my meals for the week—grilled chicken and pasta were cheap, simple, and nutritious. I don’t remember ever eating fast food. When I had a day full of classes, I filled my backpack with veggies to make sure I had the energy I needed to thrive in practice.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Afternoon practice was roughly two hours on the mats, along with a run or skill workout in the morning. Usually, I returned to the room in the evening to get a lift in, sit in the sauna to recover from the day’s work, and prepare my body for what was next. They were long days, but they had to be. If I wanted to make the starting team and a difference in the program, there was no other option. With all the talent on the team and only ten weight classes for forty men, most of the team desired Elite-ness. If I wanted a spot on the team, I had to step it up.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Afternoon practice was roughly two hours on the mats, along with a run or skill workout in the morning. Usually, I returned to the room in the evening to get a lift in, sit in the sauna to recover from the day’s work, and prepare my body for what was next. They were long days, but they had to be. If I wanted to make the starting team and a difference in the program, there was no other option.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Deciding to choose to suffer becomes the norm in the life of anyone choosing to be Elite. The power of suffering is well-documented throughout history on its cleansing effect on our life. At some point for an Elite performer, it moves from the conscious to the subconscious. It becomes part of the process. This type of suffering involves intentional, consistent, and well-defined outcomes. I set the goal, determined the steps necessary to achieve that goal, and worked hard to eliminate anything that deters from achieving that goal.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Chosen suffering was the world that ruled my thoughts: my choices, my life, and my control of what’s next. The trust in the priest’s voice intrigued me. He was so sure about what he told me because he spent his life researching it. He was completely committed to it, and I was confident about what I was telling him too. Each of us believed and committed to the message we conveyed and our purpose. We both made progress on our chosen paths because of that commitment. I knew how to train and become Elite at wrestling. Gable was teaching me that. We both held onto the truths we explored. As I walked in the front door of my home, I quickly put aside the conversation on the bus. It was great to be home, even temporarily.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Jesus had a place for me in His home if I’d accept it. It was a home for all those who accepted His love. I listened and believed then moved my mind back into the world where I lived.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“believe the measure of a man’s work will reflect in the way he competes. Effort is the master informant to all who watch. It offers clarity to the viewer. The rate at which a person works is a window into the soul of what he values as priceless in his life. Both the professional eye and the novice sees the clear connection between effort and the workload that occurs when few are watching.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Some believed and some were committed. There’s a big difference. The large gap that separates the two is called action. Committed means your life reflects your beliefs and I was committed.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Consistent actions build respect, not words. I worked to develop my mass—that sense of who you are—into something that pulled others in. Since I was attracted to those who were tough and real, my roommates were Terry Brands, one of the more ferocious competitors in NCAA history, and Travis Fisher, a hard-nosed, small town Iowa boy. They asked me to room with them, and I jumped at the opportunity. I based every decision on principles that would lead me to greatness on the mat. Terry and Travis were blessings to live with as both had jumped the gap from believing to committing. I’ve learned Elite people have a bias toward action.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“If I planned to become an Elite wrestler, this was the place to do it. I promised myself I’ve never be this tired again. Instead, I chose to suffer more often and even deeper. That day, the Steiner’s and others along my journey showed me love. Feeling sorry for someone doesn’t necessarily help them. Chosen suffering is rooted in unwavering passion and love. After a good meal and a long nap, I returned to the wrestling room to lift and run. The real journey was about to begin. My mind moved from one place to another. I wasn’t giving myself a way out. I knew this was going to take time and tremendous effort. Good to great isn’t an overnight thing. The only way to transform is to earn it. I was staying, and chosen suffering would be my guide.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“The Steiner brothers exposed more holes than anyone did in my first two years at Syracuse University. So, I knew I was in the right place in Iowa. Isn’t this what we desire? Don’t we need to see our blind spots so we can overcome them? In the days, weeks, and months to come, truths confronted me. If I cared enough, those truths would become my teachers. If I willingly chose to suffer, I’d transform into a better me. I craved that.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“For roughly sixty minutes, they scored on me at will. If they weren’t identical twins, I would’ve thought I was seeing double. By the end, I was utterly broken. As I sat crying in my car, I thought about what Coach Gable must have been thinking. In the exhaustion, my mind played tricks on me. When we experience disappointment, our thoughts spiral, and it’s important in those moments to press pause and assess the situation, not be led by our emotions. The #1 indicator of sustained success is emotional control. We must keep the issue in the appropriate bucket. Too often, we allow issues from one part of our lives to overflow into another. Therefore, pressing pause at such a time is crucial. Thankfully, at that moment, I pushed pause to consider my options. I could drive back to Syracuse. My coaches there would gladly allow me to return. I was the reigning EIWA Champ with a redshirt and two more years of eligibility. However, when my tears and emotions got under control, I thought more clearly. When you’re under emotional duress, it’s not a good time to make any decisions. I’ve seen lives ruined over emotional decisions.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“There was something different about this drill though—the pace. The tempo was furious. Generally, during a drill, an attack occurs approximately every eight to ten seconds. With the Steiner brothers, an attack occurred every three to five seconds. My body and mind grew tired. I hit a threshold of exhaustion, resulting in my inability to control any deliberate movements. My mind unraveled as Gable and his staff looked on. Fortunately, Coach yelled the most coveted word on the planet when extreme fatigue hits, “Time.” I was exhausted and relieved. I realized I’d barely made it through this intense and exhausting drill. Winners don’t just make it through. They thrive. The Elite thrive in the toughest environments. The Steiner’s were thriving. I wasn’t. They didn’t seem tired at all, but I was dying. My heart rate spiked to a level that caused the lack of oxygen to my brain and muscles. The Elite never want to be in scenarios where the stakes are high and their preparation is below the level of challenge. We’ll always sink to the level of our training. It’s a Navy Seal creed, but it’s also truth. Unfortunately, I lived that scenario during that training session. I”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership

“Coach Dan Gable walked over to where I was sitting and asked who I was. I told him my name, that I would be enrolling in school in the Fall, and would like to walk-on (no athletic scholarship) to his team. I was free for the program, but free is only useful if it has substance and can hold over time. Wrestling as a 150-pounder, Coach Gable didn’t need me because sophomore Doug Streicher had placed fifth in the nation. A homegrown Iowa boy, he’d just earned All-American honors placing fifth in the nation that March. He was a great mat wrestler, with a challenging style of wrestling. I respected him as a team member but also as a tough opponent who I was likely to battle for the starting spot. We both had two years of eligibility remaining. Coach Gable’s next words were, “Okay. Well, you’re not going to get any better sitting there. Why don’t you jump in with the Steiner brothers over there.”
― Tom Ryan, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite In Life And Leadership