Stalker Problems Quotes

“That reminds me of this book I read where this girl was having sex with her teacher and kept calling him Professor Hunter.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“Picture if Zac Efron and Chris Hemsworth had a baby. I mean, don't picture the actual birth. Or the gay sex. Just picture the full-grown male result of their DNA combining.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“Oh my God. Just bang Matthew Caldwell already and get it over with.” “He’s married.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“Maybe I could go for a run later. I almost laughed out loud. A run? I was divorced. I hadn’t lost my mind.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“Wow, vivid imagery there. But I feel like nine inches might actually be fairly common for an animal in the Equus genus. Maybe even a bit small. #HorseFacts." Chastity laughed. "You never use hashtags right. They’re for sass. Not horse facts. But fair point.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“Well of course you’re going to get revenge.” Chastity pointed to my single girl membership card. “Rule #37: The best way to break up with a guy is to fuck his best friend.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“You’re single again, Ash. Which means Single Girl Rules are back in effect! So your no stripper rule is trumped by Single Girl Rule #10: All celebrations of important life events must involve strippers.” “No Single Girl Rules!”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“It'll be like Clark Kent and Superman,” said Chastity. “Only in this case, Superman really loves dick. #NotHisKryptonite." "And now you're making it weird." "Okay, okay. Fine. Superman is only moderately interested in dick.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“When I looked back at my stalker, he was staring at me. Holding my binoculars. With smoothie dribbling down my chin. I’d been caught looking every bit the stalker in this situation. Kill me now.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“Oh my God, he scowled! He was sad that I wasn’t there. He really is stalking me! I’ll be honest, for a few months there, I’d been a little worried I was the stalker.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“They weren’t creepy stalker binoculars. Because I wasn’t a stalker. He was. These were like fancy opera watching binoculars. Or ones you’d use to watch the Kentucky Derby. I wasn’t doing anything weird.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“I think that's them!" said Chastity. "The Church of England?" "Yeah. They lured you to the spa so they could molest you. Those filthy podiatrists.”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems

“What kind of psychopath calls someone’s phone? Had they not heard of texting? Or email?”
― Ivy Smoak, Stalker Problems