Dungeons and Noobs Quotes

“Rolling free, I attempted to summon my sword before moving back toward the party.  I could feel the sword, but it refused to come to my hand in the moments I had before I was out of range.  ● Summon Blade: Lets you return a sword to your hand from any distance. ○ You must have a clear line of sight to the weapon ○ The weapon must have a clear path to your hand Any distance my ass.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs

“Sir Dalton,” I thought, through the party communication system, “Why so glum?” “I’m not in the mood for this now, brain,” replied Sir Dalton. Sir Dalton had interesting internal conversations between various parts of his anatomy.  His brain and gut seemed to be the main “voices.”  Fortunately, I had a tried and true method of conversing with Dalton.  I pitched my voice higher.  “Dalton, this is your gut.  I think we should talk about it.” “I think not,” growled Sir Dalton.  “We are not on speaking terms after what you just did!” Sir Dalton had always trusted his gut before.  Now, I was even more curious.  I pitched my voice lower and tried again. “Sir Dalton, it is I, your elbow.  Do you want to talk?” I asked. There was a long pause.  Just as I decided the Knight wasn’t actually that stupid, I received a gasping sob through the connection.  “Oh, elbow, I don’t know who to trust anymore!” “What happened?” I, as his elbow, continued. “Well, as you know, I ‘ve always trusted my gut before.  Yet, when we got into the dungeon it started asking me about the Drak-ish.  We talked for a moment, and I decided I should do a gut check about Jarra the Healer.” “That sounds reasonable,” I replied, running my mind back to the battle with the Drak-ish. “When I did, my gut told me to give up on Jarra the Healer.  She has her heart set on another,” said Dalton hotly.  “Isn’t that ridiculous?   Of course, I knew my gut was lying to me.  Look at me! I’m Sir Dalton!” “That is true,” I replied.  “You are Sir Dalton.” “Don’t sell yourself short, elbow.  You are part of the mighty carriage of Sir Dalton,” continued the very humble Knight. “Good point,” I continued.  “Have you talked to anyone about this?” “Wouldn’t you know?  You are my elbow, after all,” replied Sir Dalton questioningly. “Um, I, uh, don’t have ears,” I reached.  “Oh, so sorry, of course” replied Sir Dalton.  “Well, I talked to SueLeeta about it, and she agreed.  She also thinks I should find another woman.  Someone who likes being around me.  Someone that I have fun with.  Someone who’s interested in me, and the like.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs

“Turning around, I glanced at Badgelor.  I calmly walked over to him.  “I’m going to have to help Jarra over.” “That’s fine.  You can carry us both.” the badger responded.  “I could,” I agreed, “But this will be easier.  Sorry, Badgelor.”  I quickly picked him up.  “Fenris, catch.”  Then, I hurled the furry little badger through the air, over the pit.  “Bros before hoes!” Badgelor screamed in a very undignified tone.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs

“You eat rotting fish guts,” I replied. “Not rotting fish feet,” he growled, shaking his head violently.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs

“Fine,” I reached down and grabbed the basket, before turning to go up the stairs.  “What is this?” “It's mine, give it,” yelled Badgelor, grabbing one of the two jars of white cream from the basket.  I tried to grab it back, but he was already scurrying down the stairs.  I recognized those jars.  They contained Badgelor’s dipping sauce.  It was being delivered regularly and in great quantities.  Glancing through the basket, I saw a note.  “Be strong, Mister Mayor, Jarra the Healer.” That couldn’t be good.  Taking the remaining jar, I unscrewed the lid.  It smelled just as bad as it usually did, but I had the Alchemy skill.  Identifying salves was just one of its many uses. ●        Cream of Penile Restoration, this cream has been specifically formulated to cure any STD, defect, or other issues that a penis might have.  This salve is extra potent.  This salve is specifically for use by Jim, Mayor of Windfall. Sir Dalton stepped out of the hallway and looked at me.  “Ah, excellent.  I told you I’d get you fixed right up.  I explained the situation of your tiny, defective tallywacker to Jarra the Healer and had her make you up a cure,” he said, slapping my back.  “Don’t worry, Jim, we’ll get your problem resolved.  I swear it on my honor as a Knight.” “How long has this been going on?” I asked numbly. “Since the battle at the castle.  I talked to Jarra the Healer right after.  We even got Fenris to check with Badgelor, to make sure the cream was working,” said Dalton.  “Badgelor said it really improved the firmness of the problem area. He hand delivers the jars back to me every morning. Honestly, it almost looks like you are licking the jars clean to get that product on your junk.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs

“want to find where the monsters are I want to see Want to see them s’ploding Blowing to bits all their Limbs and feet Parts of them flipping away too far Organs splattered on the ground dancin’ Spilling all of their guts And bloody chunks of meat! Oh, they won’t walk They will just run From explosions bright as the sun Guts flying free Wish I could see Their parts in this world!”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs