Broken Quotes

“The Affirmator: An affirmative vibrator designed to counter the shame of masturbation. Masturbation that's so good for you, even the pope might recommend it.

It has a programmable electronic voice box which says positive affirmations like, 'It's okay, everyone does it!' 'Your hair looks fantastic today, by the way. Down there. *raises eyebrow*'

It would be like you're fucking Stephen Hawking. Might mispronounce names, though. And it can tweet out how active you are.

Also it has a pedometer so that you can count calories. Which lets you feel like you're doing something healthy.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“There are dicks stuck in my car holes, and everyone at the post office thinks I buy tiny dildos in bulk!'

'Right,' Victor said, 'because that's the real issue here.'

'Yeah, and now the people at the post office probably think I have, like, a tiny vagina. And now every time I see them, I'm gonna want to defend my vagina and be like, "I know you didn't ask out loud, but I can assure you that my vagina is much roomier than you'd think.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“Gutters are scary as shit, and that's why I didn't even want them in the first place. You know who lives in gutters? Clown murderers.

We bought tubes to catch clown murderers. Great choice, Victor!

And then, Victor pointed out that it would be ridiculous that clown murderers could fit in our roof gutters, but right now, there's a tree growing in ours. So I think all bets are off.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“I think a head injury from a suicidal squirrel would be a really embarrassing way to die, but it would at least give the CSI team a really good mystery because there weren't even any trees above me.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“Just last week, I got beaned in the head with a live squirrel. Which seems like some sort of terrible message from God.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“The worst part is how cunningly your words echo the terrible lies my mental illness tells me.

You don't really need that medication. It's all in your head. It's too expensive. It won't work. It's a waste of money.

Those lies are difficult to fight when you're dealing with depression. It's even more difficult when your insurance company seems to speak the same words.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“No one wants to hear 'Put on a happy face!' when they're miserable. But I was nodding violently in agreement when you added, 'Make it the face of the guy who cheated on you with your best friend! Take his face and wear it around a little. Maybe wear it when you peek into your former best friend's window at 2:00 in the morning. Just a suggestion.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“I plan on staying on the diet for another month or two, but I don't think I can do it longer than that, because bread is delicious and with all the Vodka I'm drinking, I'm thinking I might be getting too healthy.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“Last time I saw my doctor, she was putting another woman on the same diet, and I was like, 'It is a weird diet. You can have all the bacon and Vodka you want, but no carrots.' And my doctor was like, 'That is not really the diet I put you on.'

And I was all, 'You specifically said no carrots." And she was like, 'Yeah, I'm not arguing about the no carrot part.'

Then she started talking about heart problems, but I stopped listening because basically every time she talks, I get a new disease.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“I was running after her yelling, 'Let me wipe you!" But she growled and hid under the table, and I was like, 'Your vagina is a group effort, dog!"

And then she tried to bite me, and I was like, 'Look, I'm not trying to shame you! I assure you, this is all perfectly natural for a woman!'

And then Victor came out of his office and yelled about how hard I make it to be professional on conference calls, and I was like, 'Don't blame me, blame your dog's vagina!”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“I went to the drug store, and the clerk asked if he could help, and I said, 'Yeah, I'm looking for tiny condoms. Like, toddler-sized tiny.' And he was like, 'Uhhhh?'

And I quickly explained, 'I mean, not for me, obviously.' And he laughed in semi-relief. And I said, 'They're for my dog.'

And then he stopped laughing.

'They're not for her penis,' I said. 'She's a girl dog, she doesn't even have a penis. I need condoms for her hands.'

And then he looked at me weird, but probably just because I said my dog has hands instead of paws, and maybe also because he thought my dog was into fisting, which she's not. Because I don't even think dogs do that.

'Not for fisting,' I added.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“When Victor asked why I had missed so much of the movie, I stared at the screen and just said, 'Diarrhea.'

Because no one ever questions diarrhea. And it was easier than saying the toilet ate my shoe because I do all the things wrong.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“I lose things a lot, but usually in relatable ways. Like, when I can't find my glasses because they're on my face, or when I'm looking for my vodka, but it's already in my stomach.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“Then I remember that my last tape recorder was replaced by my CD walkman that I used when I used to remember to exercise. Except the CD player was sort of janky, and it wouldn't play unless it was held flat.

So, I would power walk through my neighborhood, holding the CD player with both hands in front of me like I was in a really big hurry to present a small waffle iron to someone just around the corner.”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken

“It's worse when I use an e-reader because I try to buy books and my e-reader is like, 'You already own that, dumbass.' And I'm like 'Nuh uh!' And then it downloads, and I see that I have highlighted parts of the book that I would totally highlight if it was me. And I read strange notes I've written on the pages.

Some people might find this unsettling. And in some ways it is.

But it's also sort of nice to always have a new book that I discuss with my book club. Who is basically just all of the me's who have read the book before and left weird notes in the edges.

It sounds insane, but my book club is awesome. And possibly the largest group of people I encounter, even if all of them are me's that I've forgotten. They're very entertaining, though, and when I read their notes, I'll cry out, 'YES! I agree so much! I thought it was just me!'

And I guess that makes sense because it is just me?”
― Jenny Lawson, Broken