“The Affirmator: An affirmative vibrator designed to counter the shame of masturbation. Masturbation that's so good for you, even the pope might recommend it.

It has a programmable electronic voice box which says positive affirmations like, 'It's okay, everyone does it!' 'Your hair looks fantastic today, by the way. Down there. *raises eyebrow*'

It would be like you're fucking Stephen Hawking. Might mispronounce names, though. And it can tweet out how active you are.

Also it has a pedometer so that you can count calories. Which lets you feel like you're doing something healthy.”