Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen Quotes

“Creativity and flexibility go hand in hand, while rigidity is the enemy of mental health. Your child will fail and feel pain often throughout life, but the more they learn to tap into creative ways to get past that, the more resilient they will become.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“In middle school, embarrassment triggers our brains as though it’s actual danger. As adults, most of us can shake off being embarrassed because we have a pretty strong sense of self. When we were twelve, though, any little scratch to our delicate egos could become a scar we’d carry into adulthood. If the bad news is that people tend to carry adolescent pain forward, the good news is that the coping skills and strategies your kid learns in adolescence also stick with them. This is why learning about self-care at a young age is important. If your tween practices new coping skills now, they will be firmly cemented for recall later in life, potentially when your older teen or young adult needs them even more”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“A 2010 survey of 1,500 CEOs from sixty countries identified creativity as the “most crucial factor for future success.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Kids are most interested in you when you are least interested in them. They choose the moment to talk when you are least available, because that means you’re also least emotional. Kids have to deal with their own fickle emotions, as well as the unpredictability of their classmates, all day long. It’s as exhausting for them as it would be for you. This is why they choose to open up when you seem the least emotionally invested in them: as you’re leaving the room, concentrating on an e-mail, or finally settling into your favorite show. The more interested and invested you seem in what they have to say, the less willing they are to say it.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Adolescents need to cocoon. Cocooning is a term coined in the early 1980s by Faith Popcorn, a social trend analyst with a bizarre and compelling name. (That’s neither here nor there, but it can’t go unsaid.) Popcorn describes cocooning as “the impulse to stay inside when the outside gets too tough and scary.” Since its introduction to our lexicon, it has come to be used regularly to describe adolescents and their relationship to their rooms. Tweens and teens cocoon because at a time when most things in their lives are changing—their bodies, brains, emotions, friends, and even their self-concepts—bedrooms are safe havens. There, they can think about any and all things ad nauseam, or push them aside and take a break from the mental turmoil of their busy minds.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“For example, imagine your child comes home in tears after a rough day. You ask what’s wrong, but they can’t, or won’t, articulate. Of course, you want to make them feel better, but you don’t know what to do. Rather than shouldering the burden of having to uncover this mystery and then figuring out what might actually make it better, you could say, “I’m sorry you are having a tough time. Why don’t you look at your list and choose one thing to do for the next twenty minutes?” (Note: if you’re feeling generous, you could even offer to make a snack while they’re looking at their list.) “Come find me when you’re done and I’ll be here to talk.” The key to this approach is to offer support, while at the same time conveying confidence that your child can figure out how to feel better. This will help them develop a belief that they aren’t actually helpless, even though they feel overwhelmed. Want to empower your tween even more? Ask them to help you create a Try This First list of your own. This is a nice way to subtly reveal your humanity to your child and give them an opportunity to think of someone’s needs outside of their own (a practice all adolescents benefit from, whenever possible). Your kid’s involvement helping with your list also encourages their buy-in for when you need time in the future for your own self-care.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Rosie Molinary, in her book Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance. “You are here on purpose. You have a unique gift to give this world—one that it desperately needs for its own healing—and it has nothing to do with how your body looks.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Be careful not to set your child up for failure by expecting their friendships, or the friends themselves, to be perfect. Instead, discuss the value in connecting with different people to meet different needs. Best Friend doesn’t have to be an exclusive title at the top of the pyramid. It can be an inner-circle level of friendship reached by those who’ve put in the time and built the trust to be there.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Having a wide range of friendship experiences, including the good and the bad, helps kids learn what makes for a good friend and eventually a good partner. Remind your tween, even if they are struggling, lonely, or doubtful, that their job is to be open to new experiences and new people. Learning how to talk with lots of different people, fluidly move among friend groups, initiate invitations, respectfully say no, and recognize the things people do that make them feel good or bad, will set your child up for friendship success down the road.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“We advertise good friendships as part of the Complete Teenage Experience, because good friendships make for great stories. Content creators romanticize adolescent friendships the same way Hallmark movies treat love: there is a lid for every pot, a yin for every yang, and a savior for every screwup. Turn on any Netflix original movie about teenagers or read any great YA book, and you will see that the perfect sidekick (funny! supportive! quirky! endlessly loyal!) is a fixture in each teen’s life. In reality, middle school friendships play out less like Netflix originals, and more like those toy commercials that came on during Saturday morning cartoons when we were kids. As an only child, I remember yearning to have the same fun those kids were having, begging my parents for the Barbie Jeep or Hot Wheels Track until they gave in. But soon after ripping the toy from its packaging, I came to the stark realization that it was nothing like advertised. Those kids were only pretending to have fun, the set designers made the toys seem infinitely cooler than they actually were, and more often than not, we didn’t even have the right-sized batteries. What a colossal disappointment! Especially when those kids on TV looked like they were having the time of their lives.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“In reality, middle school friendships play out less like Netflix originals, and more like those toy commercials that came on during Saturday morning cartoons when we were kids. As an only child, I remember yearning to have the same fun those kids were having, begging my parents for the Barbie Jeep or Hot Wheels Track until they gave in. But soon after ripping the toy from its packaging, I came to the stark realization that it was nothing like advertised. Those kids were only pretending to have fun, the set designers made the toys seem infinitely cooler than they actually were, and more often than not, we didn’t even have the right-sized batteries. What a colossal disappointment! Especially when those kids on TV looked like they were having the time of their lives.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Content creators romanticize adolescent friendships the same way Hallmark movies treat love: there is a lid for every pot, a yin for every yang, and a savior for every screwup.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“making friends isn’t easy in middle school. It’s a relational skill that takes time to learn through trial and error, particularly because as your kid is developing social skills at their own pace, their peers are developing theirs at different rates. Picture a bunch of mechanical gears spinning at different speeds on a board. Despite the odds, sometimes two gears latch and that part of the board operates smoothly. More often than not, though, the gears keep bumping against each other, missing their timing and fit. Eventually, kids stop changing so rapidly and they settle into themselves, making settling into each other easier. But the first few years of this gear-dance are tough to watch.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“When your tween begins to isolate from you, especially in public, you may feel rejected or embarrassed, but nothing rivals the stigma of a parent who is labeled too permissive about their kid being unsupervised in public. “To each his own, but I’d never let my kid go to the mall alone. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened.” This is a strange sort of brag that implies the parent who lets their kid explore public spaces independently a) doesn’t understand the risks involved, b) understands the risks but willfully ignores them, or c) would somehow be inhumanly okay if a tragedy befell their child. I understand and relate to being afraid of what might happen when your kid starts navigating the world without you. I’ve had all the same horrible fantasies as the next parent. But it’s not only unfair, it’s also cruel to blame parents for the terrible things that can happen, at random, to anyone.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“It’s not hard to find evidence that can be used to back up a parent’s decision to never let their kid venture out unsupervised (a viral story of a child lured away from a skating rink, a forced abduction from a park, a memory of a missing child from the parent’s own elementary school days). I empathize with the feelings of horror those stories evoke. To feel this way is natural. But what do we do with those feelings? I don’t think we should use them to make our safety decisions for us. I’d encourage parents to look at the data and probability of crimes involving tweens and young teens. Some will say, “Probability doesn’t matter. If it happens one time, to my child, that’s all that matters. It’s my job to protect against the possibility of danger, no matter how small.” My response to that is simple: You can’t even try to keep your child safe from random acts of tragedy.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Kids who are incrementally exposed to more activities that require independent thinking and problem solving learn how to gauge the safety of situations, read people’s intentions, listen to their gut, and even keep themselves company, instead of relying on others to make them happy.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Setting limits fairly and firmly, without taking pride in being mean, is a good way to show your tween how they can do the same with their friends, employers, and romantic partners later in life.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“By choosing to be less concerned with what your child needs to do and more curious about what your kid is thinking, you can also share more about yourself than just the demands of your daily tasks. This is how your child will become naturally intrigued about who you are outside of a taskmaster.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“sharing stories of adolescent relationships, adventures, and experiences are a lovely way to connect. What is a good rule of thumb for discerning what memories are appropriate to share? You know how people always tell kids, “Don’t post anything online you wouldn’t want your grandmother or teacher to see”? In the same way, I counsel parents not to share private stories with teens that you wouldn’t share with a new coworker or new acquaintance.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“A child may ask, “What age were you when you first ____,” but Drs. Holmes and Hutchison agree the best response is, “My job is to help you make the best decisions for yourself and your decisions shouldn’t be influenced by the choices anyone else has made.” I agree, and in my estimation, sharing personal information is more likely to cloud a child’s thinking than clarify decision making.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“distinguish between tattling and telling by explaining to their kiddos, “If you’re reporting to get someone in trouble, it’s tattling. If you’re reporting to keep someone from getting hurt, it’s telling.” Telling is helpful. Tattling is not.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Your child is ready to learn more about the full scope of who you are and by letting your relationship evolve this way, you’ll establish yourself as someone who can be trusted and relied on during the more complicated teen years ahead.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“A kindergarten teacher has a very different relationship with their students than a high school teacher does with theirs. Neither should be best friends with their students, but the margins of the relationship do relax a bit. Working with older students gives teachers opportunities to share more of their personal interests, humor, humanity, and even shortcomings. In doing so, they create spaces for their students to be vulnerable and, in those spaces, the most powerful learning occurs.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Your child’s brain, at around age eleven, begins to make the fundamental changes it needs to become an adult brain, but it takes a good ten to fourteen years thereafter to solidify these changes. Patience is key for both of you. During this time, the prefrontal cortex—responsible for critical thinking, problem solving, reading facial expressions, and analyzing risk, among other things—takes a break.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Research shows us that for boys, fourteen is the most dangerous age of a young man’s life. A study of males ages nine to thirty-five, found that the age at which risk taking is the highest is 14.38.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“We tend to fear the foreign space in which our kids are growing up and conflate our ability to constantly monitor them with their ability to protect themselves. Of course, monitoring and protecting aren’t the same thing. If you’re waiting to catch your kid before they fall down a hole, you’re missing countless opportunities to talk about when unexpected new holes might appear and how to walk around them. Installing the latest spyware doesn’t keep your kid safe. It just alerts you when they’ve messed up.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Consider the endgame. It’s your job to teach them how to do better, and no one learns best when they are scared and anxious and ashamed.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“Tweens have a propensity toward defensiveness, and most can’t yet read facial expressions or interpret tone of voice well, so they often presume you’re angry, even when you’re not.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“BRIEF.” B stands for begin peacefully; R is for relate; I triggers the interview part of the conversation; E reminds you to echo what you’re hearing; and F is the point at which you can give feedback.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

“My job isn’t to be my kid’s friend. My job is to keep them safe.” This sentiment often goes hand in hand with a more authoritarian parenting style. Confusing curiosity with leniency, or empathy with a need for approval, is a dangerous mistake. Research and common sense tell us that kids who feel comfortable talking with caring adults about their problems are healthier, happier, more resilient, and better poised for future success.”
― Michelle Icard, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School