Journal of a Sneaky Twerp Quotes

“Once I heard an actor on a popular TV show call girls HOT. So now I copy him and call some girls at school HOT. Never to their face, which would be way too scary. Just around my friends so that they can clearly see that I’m not GAY.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I have a little brother named Fanny.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Mostly, that means being AGGRESSIVELY PASSIVE, which means refusing to go along with what grownups want me to do.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“FLIMSY”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“CAPITALISM IS EVIL or GOD DOESN’T EXIST, he just calmly replied, “Is that so?”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I’d like to make a joke about how kids getting things they didn’t expect but want is a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. But that would be too CRASS. Miracles are supposed to be about serious stuff like cures for cancer or orphaned twins finding each other. Not entitled BRATS getting yet more CRAP they don’t need.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“top.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“GAY.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Pops works for the bastard offspring of Standard Oil.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“it.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Chasing approval like sheep, instead of expressing their own innate creativity.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“desperate to be liked. But I REFUSE to talk about my feelings (that’s so touchy-feely).”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I’m CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I go to a public middle school. That’s the place where non-rich parents send their kids—the ones who are too old to be cute and too young to be interesting. Think of it as taxpayer-funded daycare so parents have a few precious hours to themselves. The scariest thing about middle school, though, is that some of the older kids here have gone through PUBERTY. That means they’re old enough to make babies. These gangly, hairy kids are so scary, to make myself feel better, I have to DEMUHANIZE them by calling them GORILLAS.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Tuesday The thing I’m most proud of about myself is that I’m really good at playing video games. Like most kids, I have a delusional sense of my own potential and a dim grasp of probabilities, so I believe I will be a professional gamer in the future.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“EXHIBITIONIST.*”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Mummy worries that I sleep all the time because I’m CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I have to hand it to Jowley. He went as the one thing that scares Americans more than anything else in the world—a HOMELESS FENTANYL-DEALING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT JIHADIST. As you know, in a comedy the protagonist”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I’m smart. Like when I make brilliant jokes”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“smell”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“around”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“So I used our backyard grill to heat up the iron poker from the fireplace until its tip was glowing orange. Then I gouged out BOTH my eyes. I thought now all the HOT GIRLS would totally want to take care of me. They’d lead me around school, feed me, and help me take baths and get dressed. It’d be heaven on earth. But when I got to school this morning, I discovered something. Everybody thinks blind people are CREEPY. Unless you can sing SOUL MUSIC. My soprano voice is more suited to CHANSON. So the hot girls want nothing to do with me. They wouldn’t even let me grope their faces so I could GET TO KNOW them.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“What did you get me, Santa?”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Jowley”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“ASS.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Big-whoop.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“My brilliant idea is to get the tank to explode. Jowley will be repelled by the fireball off the back of his seat. It will all look really cool, like in a MICHAEL BAY ACTION MOVIE.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Now, as you know, the best way to be manly is to have lots of muscles. If I’m ripped, when Freckly grabs ahold of me during our square dances, he’ll feel nothing but rock hard triceps. On top of that, in the upcoming BELLY DANCING unit in Phys Ed, I won’t feel MORTIFIED about showing my scrawny, mushy pre-pubescent body.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“SEPTEMBER Tuesday Right off the bat, let’s clear something up: Why are YOU reading my journal? Are you some sort of weirdo who sneaks into kids’ rooms and goes through their personal stuff, like a nosey parent? A journal is private. Put this down right now and walk away. Oh, I see. You found this book online. Even though it’s supposed to be private, I guess I INVITED you to read it. That makes ME the weirdo, not you. I admit it. I’m an EXHIBITIONIST.* I actually want you to stick your nose into my personal stuff. So this really isn’t a journal at all. It’s more like a memoir. * Don’t be LAZY. If you don’t know what a word means, first try to figure it out by seeing how the word works in the sentence around it. If you can’t figure it out, look it up in a dictionary.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody