Boundary Boss Quotes

“Another person's bad, unconscious, or straight-up unhealthy behavior does not need to dictate yours.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“It's not your job to educate every person in the world on healthy boundaries. It is your job to know and protect your own healthy boundaries.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“We should not be concerning ourselves with the whys of others. After all, people can and will ask and expect ridiculous shit from us. That's not your problem unless you make it so. Focusing on them is only a distraction. Put your attention back on yourself.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“All you need to do right now is be open to the idea that your responses to current things in your life might be driven by, say, five-year-old you. Would you let a five-year-old make major decisions for your marriage or family? Would you let a five-year-old decide your career moves? I don’t think so.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“You must establish healthy boundaries to protect your gifts, talents, sensitivity, and life, so that you are making conscious choices about how you spend your precious time and energy.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“A vibrant sense of self is based on self-trust, a strong connection to your inner knowing. That is your birthright, lovely. Do you know who doesn’t give a crap about that? The person gaslighting you.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“HFCs also often fall into the category of highly sensitive people. This means having a sensitive nervous system, being acutely aware of subtle mood shifts in the people around them, and feeling overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“if you are a high-functioning codependent (HFC) or a highly sensitive person, you are especially susceptible to the Boundary Destroyer’s ploys. While you absolutely do not have to be raised by a Boundary Destroyer to struggle with them in your adult life, growing up in a household where the parents’ needs come first (at the expense of the child’s well-being) will make you more likely to encounter (and by “encounter” I mean “be tortured by”) Boundary Destroyers until you are able to heal the original wound.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, ‘What’s good for you?”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“prioritizing your feelings and truly taking care of yourself now can be a corrective emotional experience. Think of it as an opportunity to reparent yourself and provide the consistent nurturing and encouragement you deserve. In essence, we become the good, healthy, present parent we may not have had.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Yes, it is scary to speak up if it’s not something you’re accustomed to doing. Understood. However, know that adult-you is not scared. Adult-you doesn’t feel the need to destroy your best efforts at living an empowered and self-directed life in an attempt to keep the peace. It’s the kid in you who is saying, “It’s fine. I didn’t mean it.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“voluntary vulnerability—being discerning and thoughtful about how you share your body, your emotions, your history, and yourself with others.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Unhealthy or toxic guilt is a different beast. It is related to disordered internal boundaries, such as taking on guilt for other people’s feelings or situations, which you have no actual control over. This is common for those who have grown up in chaotic or dysfunctional homes, where children feel responsible for everything. They may think, If Dad is angry, it must be my fault, and therefore I am bad.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Shame commonly stems from childhood experiences. Although most of us experienced things that made us feel temporary shame in childhood, persistent shame in adulthood usually originates from chronic abuse or neglect a long time ago. Shame feels hopeless, like there is something fundamentally wrong with you that cannot be fixed. Healthy guilt, on the other hand, can actually motivate us toward positive action and self-correction. It has a level of redeem-ability that shame does not. If you feel guilty, you can make amends, apologize, or take responsibility for your actions, bolstering your self-worth in the process. We all make mistakes, and there is something freeing about owning up to whatever needs to be cleaned up.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“how others, including Gus, responded to her stating her needs was not her responsibility. It was not her side of the street. Her responsibility was to know, state, and negotiate for her needs.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Healthy internal boundaries are incredibly valuable. When you have them, you can consistently rely on yourself to do what you say you're going to do. You feel peaceful inside because you trust yourself enough to take care of you.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Fear of success and fear of failure are two sides of the same coin, and that coin is fear of change.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“your comfort zone is a prison.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“There are unlimited opportunities for you to start to take up more space in the world, and each time you do, you’re reinforcing a vital truth: you matter.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“your deal-breakers are between you and you. You don’t need someone else’s validation to make your deal-breaker okay. It’s your choice—and more importantly, your life. So get clarity on what’s a definite nope, and you will have an easier time knowing what to keep and what to discard.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Sometimes when we are highly sensitive or HFC, we squash our desires when we sense that pursuing (or even expressing) the desire will hurt feelings or provoke a loved one’s judgment or wrath. This goes doubly so for empaths.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“To get your needs met, you have to be willing to be specific about what you would like and then open your mind and heart to a compromise, a conversation, a negotiation, a yes, or a no. Compromising with discernment is important (especially if historically you’ve been the one who is always giving in). Know the difference between giving in just to keep the peace and making a concession that feels healthy and equitable. If you’re always getting the short end of the compromise stick, that’s not healthy or equitable.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“When it comes to the preferences that involve others, however, you are required to communicate.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“from the standpoint of the unconscious mind, repetition compulsion makes stunning sense. It is our mind’s way of hoping for a better outcome.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“The point of going back to your childhood experiences is not to condemn anyone, but to understand. You also need to be willing to separate your image of your parents now (if they are still living) from who they were then.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“The adult in you has probably been rationalizing and making excuses for why your folks failed you the way they did. (I don’t need to know them to know they did cuz they’re flawed humans just like the rest of us. This is the moment to prioritize your actual truth. Let’s agree right now that all of our people did the best they could with the consciousness they possessed at the time. If they could have done it better, we will be generous and assume they would have.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“That’s where she began to realize that no amount of self-punishment or over-functioning could change”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“According to psychologist Carl Rogers, caregivers or parents teach children conditions of worth, the standards of behavior that children must follow to receive love and avoid criticism.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“declining help is a covert way of maintaining control. You may not want to feel like a burden, indebted, or risk being vulnerable. This can show up in ways both large and small. You may be so committed to self-reliance that you don’t even let a cab driver help you put your heavy bags in the trunk on the way to the airport. Or you may find yourself in the midst of a family health crisis or work drama and simply hole up, taking care of everything for and by yourself. But here’s the thing, healthy vulnerability (or voluntary vulnerability, which we cover in chapter 6) is the foundation for authentic intimacy.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

“Over-giving and codependent behavior eventually lead to feeling empty because at the end of the day there’s nothing left for you. Are you really a constructive problem-solver if your blanket solution to life is I’ll do more? Nope. Because no one can do that forever. The way out of this hellacious, self-sabotaging trap is mindfulness plus self-care. To interrupt these ingrained patterns, consider yourself first, instead of giving to others first. Consider checking in with yourself before committing.”
― Terri Cole, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free