Breaking Free of Child Anxiety & OCD Quotes

“We might consider our role as parents not to be to reduce the pain our children must live through, but to help them learn how to suffer less.”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“accommodation is helpful when it teaches your child the valuable lesson that she is able to cope with feeling anxious. Accommodation is unhelpful when it reinforces your child’s belief that she cannot cope with anxiety and must avoid situations that are likely to trigger it.”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“Another belief, similar to the thought that anxiety is harmful and must be avoided, is reflected in the statement, “My job is to make my child’s life as comfortable as possible.” Of course most parents would prefer that their child be comfortable, but is that really the most important job of a parent? Preparing your child for life in the world can also mean helping him to be strong enough to cope with the less comfortable aspects of life. Do you expect your own life to always be easy? Do you expect to always feel comfortable yourself? Probably not. And if you do, you are probably frustrated much of the time by the reality of not always feeling at ease and comfortable. If you are able to cope with the challenges of your own life, it is probably because you are able to accept not being comfortable some of the time and to take things in stride. Anxious children also can learn to take things in stride, even their own anxiety. A wise quote I heard recently says it nicely: “We might consider our role as parents not to be to reduce the pain our children must live through, but to help them learn how to suffer less.” Teaching your child not to fear anxiety and to take it in stride is one of the biggest gifts you can give your anxious child. It is an unfortunate fact, but a child who is highly anxious today is likely to experience a higher than average level of anxiety throughout much of his life. This does not mean he needs to suffer from an anxiety disorder or be impaired by anxiety his whole life. It does mean, however, that anxiety is likely to be one persistent or recurring aspect of his life, which makes it all the more important to learn that he is quite capable of coping with anxiety.”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“When you are protecting your child from the harms that she fears, your behavior seems well aligned with your child thoughts and beliefs. But therein lies the trap. If your child’s fears are misplaced, and if you hope that she will one day realize this and stop fearing those things, then a response that aligns with those fears is also going to be misplaced. Remember how anxious children have difficulty assigning accurate probabilities to various events, and how they tend to assign high value to negative events, making such events seem more negative than they actually are? Well, consider what your child is learning through your protection. In the example of the child who is scared of social situations because of the possibility that such events will end in embarrassment, that anxious child is probably viewing a negative outcome as more likely than is realistic. And he is probably viewing the possibility of being embarrassed as a catastrophic disaster, rather than as a temporary unpleasantness. If you, as the parent, are acting to protect your child from these social situations, then doesn’t this seem to suggest that you also see the negative outcome as likely? Otherwise, why prevent the possibility? And doesn’t it also seem to confirm that being embarrassed in a social situation is a really terrible thing? Otherwise, why are you making sure that your child doesn’t take that risk? It’s similar for the child who is worried about not acing a test. If you as the parent spend a lot of extra time learning and relearning all the material with your child, doesn’t that seem to show that you also think that a less than perfect grade is a disaster? You may really be thinking that the negative outcomes (being embarrassed, not acing the test) are actually not all that likely, or not such a big deal, but even if you say that to your child, your protective behaviors convey the opposite.”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“Think of tolerating your child’s distress as a lesson you are teaching your child. It is as though you are saying, “This makes me very uncomfortable, but I am able to cope with it because I know I have to”—which is precisely what you want your child to be able to say about her own anxiety: It makes me uncomfortable but I can tolerate it because I know I have to.”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“Many people assume that anxious children are meek or always compliant. This is far from the truth. Children with anxiety or OCD can be just as aggressive as any other child, and with the proper motivation, they will pull out all the stops to achieve what they want. Nothing motivates an anxious child like the need to ensure ongoing accommodation by parents. In a survey of experts in the treatment of OCD, for example, we found that 75% described their young patients as being coercive and forceful in their demands for accommodation. Physical violence, verbal aggression, breaking things, and other forms of disruptive behavior were commonly reported. It is best not to think of this as bad behavior, and it does not signal a negative character trait in the child. If your child becomes aggressive when you do not accommodate, that probably means that she believes she cannot cope without the accommodation. It also might indicate that these kinds of behaviors have worked successfully in the past, in getting you to accommodate”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“Demanding also has another important limitation that makes it almost entirely unhelpful when dealing with child anxiety. When we are demanding something, we are demanding it of someone else. When a demand we make is not met, we often respond with frustration or anger because we feel helpless to enforce the demand or undermined by the lack of compliance. This can lead to conflict and hostility. In the method described in this book, you will not be required to make any demands on your child. Of course, this only applies to the steps you take to help your child become less anxious. Demands that relate to other parts of their lives and functioning will continue. But in helping your child to become less anxious, there will be no need to demand anything of her. So following the steps outlined in this book should not lead to increased anger or frustration in you. Some suggestions may make your child upset with you when you implement them, but that is a temporary reaction and will pass. In the meantime, you will be able to remain calm and not become angry because you have not demanded anything your child has not done.”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“Her muscles might seem more stiff, taut, or rigid. Her breathing might speed up or become more shallow. Some children will tremble when they are anxious, or they may feel sensations such as lightheadedness or nausea. Their stomachs can feel different, for example, they may feel crampy, achy, or upset. Some children will notice that they are sweating more because of anxiety, or that their mouths are dry. They may complain of various other physical sensations, such as just feeling weird or strange or as though their hearts are pounding. There also can be changes in the body that your child does not notice. You may notice some of these, such”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents

“Being inconsistent in reducing the accommodation also has other disadvantages. If you are inconsistent, that is, sometimes accommodating and sometimes not, then something is going to be determining which times you accommodate and which times you don’t. What is that something going to be? It won’t be your plan, because your plan is not to accommodate at all. Instead, what will determine whether you accommodate is more likely to be something such as, what mood you happen to be in, how tired or energetic you happen to feel, how much time you have at the moment, or how you happen to feel about your child right then. It makes sense that these things would influence whether or not you accommodate, but they are not at all helpful.”
― Eli R. Lebowitz, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents