Themes and Variations Quotes

“It’s late at night, and a man is getting ready to go to bed, when he hears a knock on his door. He opens it and looks down to see a snail. “Yes,” it says, “I’d like to talk to you about buying some magazine subscriptions.” Beside himself with rage, the man rears back, kicks the snail as hard as he can, and storms off to bed. Two years later, there comes another knock. The man answers, and again he finds the snail, who looks up at him and says, “What the fuck was that all about?”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“I’m pretty sure I could tumble down all the stairs in the Empire State Building, naked, with a greased-up pepper grinder in each hand, and a box of candles around my neck, and still end up in the lobby with an empty rectum.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“If you think I’m putting my bra back on for this bullshit, you are so sorely mistaken.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“After cringing, I thought of how someone—possibly me—should introduce the Chilldo, which would perhaps be made of Pyrex, and thus guaranteed not to crack or fracture deep inside a user’s rectum.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“And after it’s off, is it off for the night?” “You know it is,” she confided. “A friend will call drunk and wanting a ride, and I’ll say, ‘Honey, I got my bra off. Get yourself a cab.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“By the time a nurse told me about a patient who had inserted an electric toothbrush up inside himself, and another who’d managed a two-liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew, I was so inured that I said only, “Wait a minute. Diet?”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“The two young women standing nearby had apparently listened in. “Give it to me,” one of them said. She wore a lot of foundation, and her eyebrows qualified as drawings.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“Days later, I saw an X-ray of a Bose speaker inside someone. “And it was still connected to Bluetooth,” the woman who showed it to me whispered.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“I generally start the conversation immediately, that way the person wanting a book signed never has to say the things they’ve stood in line agonizing over, and that they will most likely regret later on. There are exceptions, though. I was in Baton Rouge in late May 2013, when a woman approached, saying, before I had a chance to throw her off balance, “You got me to put my bra back on.” I set down my pen. “I beg your pardon?”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“Three friends marry three women from different parts of the world. The first chooses a Spanish girl, and tells her on their wedding night that she is to do the dishes and the laundry, and to generally keep the house in order. It takes a while to break her in, but on the third day he comes home to find things as he wanted. The second man marries a Thai girl. He gives his wife orders that she is to do all the cleaning, as well as the cooking and the ironing. The first day, he doesn’t see any results, but the following one is better. On the third day, he finds that his house is clean, the dishes are done, and there is dinner on the table. The third man marries an American girl. He orders her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, and the lawn mowed, and to put hot meals on the table every evening. The first day, he doesn’t see anything. The second day, he doesn’t see anything either. But by the third day, some of the swelling has gone down. He can make out basic shapes with his left eye, and his arm has healed well enough that he can throw together a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“The following evening, at another bookstore, a man approached saying, “So, God tells Adam, ‘I’m going to make you a wife, a helpmate, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She’ll be fantastic in bed, uncomplaining, and ready to carry out your every desire. The thing is, it’ll cost you.’ “‘How much?’ Adam asks. “‘An eye, an elbow, a collarbone, and your left ball.’ “Adam thinks for a minute, then asks, ‘What can I get for a rib?”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“And there’s no point in me doing anything if I can’t write about it,” I continued. “It would be like . . . walking ten miles without my Fitbit on—a complete waste. I mean, I do do things I don’t write about: I use the bathroom, I have sex, but I try to be quick about it.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“What’s the worst thing you can hear while you’re blowing Willie Nelson? “I’m not really Willie Nelson.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“And there’s no point in me doing anything if I can’t write about it,” I continued. “It would be like . . . walking ten miles without my Fitbit on—a complete waste. I mean, I do do things I don’t write about: I use the bathroom, I have sex, but I try to be quick about it.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations

“She looked to me like a librarian is supposed to, slightly stern, with a longer-than-average neck.”
― David Sedaris, Themes and Variations