It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis Quotes

“There were so many wonderful people living in my house, and I hadn’t even known. To me, they’d become the nuisances who were leaving their body parts lying around and needed their heads glued back on. But they were more than that. The dead were all people with stories and histories. It surprised me how long many of them had been dead. I suppose it shouldn’t have. They’d been hanging around for a month before I even admitted they weren’t a figment of my imagination.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Midlife was more than a series of crises. It was a freaking destination, and the ride was seriously bumpy.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“I truly couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with my husband. Of course, Steve was dead… and gay… but still… “I will not be sleeping with Gideon anytime soon.” “Should I order some porn?” Steve asked, completely serious. “You know, so you can get up to speed on techniques?” “No, you should not order any porn,” I snapped. “I’m going to go eat dinner with him—not blow him.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Do you want another ice pack for your… umm…” “My balls?” he inquired with a pained grin. “Yes,” I said, feeling heat crawl up my neck and head for my cheeks. “No. I’m too terrified to find out what other damage you can inflict,” Gideon said dryly. “Let’s just leave it at my nose and nuts right now.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“But you are the Grim Reaper?” “I am.” “Okay. Fine,” I snapped, tossing the ice bag at him and nailing him right in the crotch. “OH MY GOD. I am so sorry,” I gasped out as he jackknifed forward and hissed. “I did not mean to do that.” “Of course you didn’t,” Gideon said with a wince. “No one in their right mind would rack a man who carries a scythe and wears a cheesy hooded black cape.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Stan, I’m going to suggest you leave before I tell you that you have a tiny penis and I wasn’t exactly sure we were having sex at all. You wear too much aftershave and if you’re going to manscape, you might want to have a go at your back. So, unless you want to hear all that, you’d better sprint your preppy, pencil-pushing ass off my porch.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Strap-on is no-parts spelled backward! Get it?”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Daisy girl”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Now I just needed to deal with the visible to only me weirdos hanging out in my house. However, I had to give it to them. They were very supportive when Stan was talking smack.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“No. Way. Are you freaking serious?” I screamed as I flattened myself against the wall of my laundry room with a thud, trying not to hyperventilate. “There’s a hand in the laundry basket. There’s a hand in the laundry basket. There’s a hand in the damn laundry basket.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“your skirt is so short I can see your religion”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“You could have buttered my butt and called me a biscuit,”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“It made sense why the ghosts loved reality shows—there was nothing real about them. No one died. Everything worked out in the end. Someone won a crapload of money or some kind of recording or modeling contract. People got their houses redone—fantasy at its finest. Even though there were people ridiculous”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“out. I put two and two together and came up with 666. I’m very good at math,”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Her silken thighs were mesmerizing and I longed to worship her womanhood.” “Oh my God,” I said, shaking my head. “Her womanhood? Worship her womanhood? Really?” “Hang on,” Heather said. “I’m going to fix that one up. Her cellulite-ridden thighs were boner-inducing because a change in the wind was boner-inducing to a randy idiot like myself. And I pined to bang her for as long as my manhood could please her, which will be about ten seconds before I blow my wad.” I choked on my coffee. Heather was all kinds of awful, and hilarious to boot.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

“Got it done five days ago. Don’t think it worked. I’m still as wrinkly as Albert Einstein’s ass after a three-hour bath.”
― Robyn Peterman, It's a Wonderful Midlife Crisis