Castle of the Noobs Quotes

“You can now tell the difference between a Forest Troll and your mother in law. Hint, she’s meaner.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Maybe giving women bladed weapons as gifts wasn’t something that was considered out of form here.  I hope.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“The standard salute involved taking the left arm and holding it directly in front of you, parallel with the ground.  Then, the right arm was swung up, catching the left hand in the crook of the elbow.  Then they rotated their hands to face forward and waved at me.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Kappa was not a monster. He was a Good Boi and had followed the instructions Jim had given him.  Jim had an unfortunate name.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Well, time to cut this off at the pass. I selected Sir Dalton on the Battle Map and brought up a mind link to him, “Sir Dalton.” “That’s strange.  The voices in my head sound different than normal,” replied Sir Dalton.  “That’s because it's Jim,” I said. “No, Jim’s voice would be in Jim’s head,” argued my somewhat mush-minded companion.  I had to blink three times to clear my head.  “Okay, Sir Dalton, can we hold off on the charge until the enemy forces are more committed?” “Well, brain, we all know I listen to my gut at times like this,” replied Sir Dalton haughtily. “And what does ‘our’ gut say?” I asked. “It says to charge,” replied the Knight. What followed wasn’t something I was proud of.  I increased the pitch in my voice and said, “Dalton, it's me, your gut.  I think we need to hold off for five more minutes.” “Are you sure?” asked Sir Dalton, before catching himself.  “No, I always listen to my gut!  Five more minutes it is!” Shaking my head, I broke the connection”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“He hopped down and started going through my scrolls.  He handed one to me.  “Try this next.” ● Fireball: Shoot a pea-sized ball of fire from your hand. It will explode on contact, damaging a base 10-foot radius, cost 30 Mana, base Damage 12. Would you like to learn? (Yes/No) Grinning like an idiot, I learned fireball and immediately prepared to cast it. I summoned up the fire power necessary to cast the spell, held my hand in the correct position, and said the word of power.  “Noodle,” I called. These words of power make no sense whatsoever.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“I hadn’t gotten a prompt for a new skill, meaning I’d finally found something that Ordinal didn't have a skill for.  The fact that there was actually something you could do here that wasn’t considered a skill made me surprisingly giddy.  ● You have learned the skill: Disease Resistance. You are unskilled. You’re perfectly healthy, and that’s the way it's going to stay! Well, that’ll bring you down to earth.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Guard the rope,” I ordered Badgelor as I undressed.  He sat down next to the large wooden banister that I’d tied a rope to and began to lick his tail.  Giving the rope one last, massive tug, I leapt down as well.  Using the rope, I was able to somewhat control my decent.  I tried to avoid placing too much friction on my crown jewels, which were flapping in the breeze.  Any amount of friction was too much, if you were wondering.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“It looks like Wargs might have made a run at them, based on the bodies,” she replied.  Wargs were alchemically created monsters.  Their bodies were very unappetizing, unless you had barbeque sauce.  More specifically, there was a potion, designed to counteract the Warg effects, that just so happened to taste like barbeque sauce.  It didn’t sound like these Wargs were fresh, though.  Better not risk it.  We aren’t that desperate for food.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“I do not even want to see your inventory,” replied Shart, as he concentrated for a moment.  “Good shit, the first thing listed is 273 pieces of lint.” “I think you may have the filters set too low,” I replied, toying with my inventory.  The world around me slowed, leaving Badgelor in a particularly corpse-tastic moment.  I disabled a few settings; suddenly, I had everything from lint to pubic hair in my inventory.  Wait a minute.  Not all the pubic hair was mine. “How did Badgelor’s hair get there?” I asked.  That’s more than a little appalling.  “He likes to shrink and sleep in your pants while you’re bathing,” replied the demon.  “He says it makes him feel safe.  I’m assuming he feels that way because he forgets you are an incompetent idiot.” I rotated my head around to look Shart full in the face.  Considering he was on my shoulder, we were quite literally eye to eye.  I raised my eyebrows questioningly. Shart had the good grace to look away.  “When Badgelor was very small, he used to do the same thing with Charles.  Baby Badgelor liked warm snuggles and familiar smells.” “That Charles guy really messed with his head,” I stated, remembering a few cats I’d had that were the same way.  It was hard to imagine Badgelor actually doing that, however.  He seemed a bit more… violently insane. When Badgelor finally had his fill, he crawled out of the pile of less than fresh corpses with a grin.  “Ready?” “Yup,” I stated.  “Back to the creek, clean yourself up, and take a nap.” He nodded contentedly and trotted off. “If you knew he was going to do that, why did you bring him here?” asked Shart. “It made him happy,” I stated.  “In case you hadn’t noticed, he’s kind of violently insane.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Badgelor’s new form, at full size, was about as tall as a horse.  However, he was twice as wide as a Clydesdale.  It was his Ultimate Form, sort of like Super Badger 2, and I expected him to get glowing yellow fur with a power aura.  Alas, that was not the case.  Though, in his large form, his ability to pass gas was worthy of the Legendary Super Badgers of yore.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs