Squeeze Me Quotes

“His core furnishings were an XBox console, a 60-inch plasma,”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“She awoke with renewed certainty that Carl Jung was full of shit.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.’ That’s from Emerson,”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“The nation was under siege by bloodthirsty hordes charging like rabid wolverines across the borders.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“This is a show of the shit variety,”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Mockingbird sometimes found it hard to believe this was the same man she’d married; he looked like a different person now—as if someone had put a fire hose up his ass and inflated him with meringue.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“In a place like South Florida, such heart-bound faith in the justice system could best be described as quaint.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“If you can’t find anything wet enough, leave the premises immediately.” “My life motto,” said Uric.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“He’s got basically the same height and frame as the President,” Christian explained, “so we use him for the trial tan, just to make sure there’s no temperature issues or electrical glitches.” The Knob glanced over at Angie. “Thirteen minutes on my back,” he said with a salacious hitch of an eyebrow. “Easy money, babe.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Mastodon railed on a while longer, making air quotes with his stubby doll fingers whenever mentioning the name Diego, and thundering that this was exactly the bloodthirsty breed of invader that the White House had been warning the nation about.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Angie sometimes wondered if they’d still be married had she stuck with those damn yoga classes. God knows she tried. The crowded, windowless studios made her claustrophobic, and that mandatory loop of Eastern chimes was so annoying. Why the fuck couldn’t they play Pearl Jam? “I’m not cut out for this, Dustin,” she’d said after one blazingly sweaty Bikram session. “Serenity is overrated.” He didn’t get angry; that wasn’t his style. Instead he took up with one of the community’s freshly divorced, self-discovering female yoga fanatics that traveled in packs, ever-alert and lithe as meerkats.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“the annual benefit for Psoriatic Gingivitis.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Angie had been summoned to Casa Bellicosa to unfasten a screech owl from the presidential pompadour, which the low-swooping raptor had mistaken for a road-kill fox. When Angie arrived, the commander-in-chief was lurching madly around the helipad, bellowing and clawing at the Velcro skull patch into which the confused bird had embedded its talons.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Now he worked at Merrill Lynch in Boynton Beach.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“at the Bath Club, which was hosting a Disney-themed mixer for Peyronie’s Disease Awareness Week.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Winter residents of Palm Beach inevitably return north forever, either in caskets or urns.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“South Florida is where irony goes to die.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“However, as your social coach, I’m just saying all guys aren’t dying for long legs and old money. Somewhere out there waiting for you is a cool, emotionally mature, sexually adventurous reptile freak.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Mockingbird sometimes found it hard to believe this was the same man she’d married; he looked like a different person now—as if someone had put a fire hose up his ass and inflated him with meringue. His ego seemed to have swollen proportionally.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Next”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Under what circumstances,” she’d mused to Martin the hairdresser one Sunday morning in bed, “could you envision Jesus Christ, a humble carpenter, hawking rosaries at the Vatican Gift Shop?”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“It’s the bare minimum,” the man said, “assuming you believe in democracy. Voting, reading, paying attention—those would be the fundamentals.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Barnette Wittlefield met with the commander-in-chief every morning at four-thirty a.m. bringing news of the latest subpoenas along with four bags of Egg McMuffins.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“The sitting President of the United States was a soulless imbecile who hated the outdoors, but in Angie’s view, at this point Teddy Roosevelt himself couldn’t turn the tide if he came back from the dead. All the treasured wilderness that had been sacrificed at the altar of growth was gone for all time. More disappeared every day; nothing ever changed except the speed of destruction, and only because there were fewer pristine pieces to sell off, carve up and pave.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“The country we both fought for is getting ass-raped by a paranoid, draft-dodging, whore-hopping—”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Don’t you get it? It doesn’t fucking matter whether he’s right or not. That’s the scary part.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“Throughout the long deep-state witch hunt—the doctored Minsk defecation video, the phony tax-evasion probe, the counterfeit porn-star diaries, the bogus Moscow skyscraper investigation, the hoax penile-enhancement scandal, the fake witness-tampering charges, and both fraudulent impeachment trials—the Potussies had remained steadfast, vociferous, adoring defenders.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“had begun to drizzle, so they relocated to a latticed gazebo used for waterfront weddings and the occasional renegade bris.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“county commissioner. Sometimes she wondered if she was too cynical, or just too lazy. The sitting President of the United States was a soulless imbecile who hated the outdoors, but in Angie’s view, at this point Teddy Roosevelt himself couldn’t turn the tide if he came back from the dead. All the treasured wilderness that had been sacrificed at the altar of growth was gone for all time. More disappeared every day; nothing ever changed except the speed of destruction, and only because there were fewer pristine pieces to sell off, carve up and pave. Surely”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me

“All because my husband doesn’t trust anyone with an Islamic name. Or Jews, or blacks, or Asians, or Hispanics, or Mormons, or whatever. God, it’s exhausting to keep track. With my accent, I’m amazed he married me.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Squeeze Me