The Greatest Spy Who Never Was Quotes

“I tend to keep my pennies in a pair of my father’s socks,’ I said. ‘They were hanging on the washing line the last time I looked. Perfectly safe.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“That’s a bit careless. Who was looking after them?’ ‘You were,’ sighed Finefellow. She drew a breath before reeling off the list. ‘Agents Fifteen and Sixteen have run off to open a florists together; Agent Twenty-Six has been trampled on by a herd of stampeding buffalo and Agent Nine got her scarf caught in a tumble-dryer … whilst she was still wearing it!”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Word of warning,’ said the postman, although I half-expected his warning would consist of more than one word. ‘That message will set alight in exactly five seconds … four … three … two …’ I slipped the paper onto my tongue and swallowed before he could finish his countdown. A moment later I felt a burning sensation rising in my chest. I burped and a plume of smoke blew out of both nostrils.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Don’t be,’ I said. ‘It happens all the time. Well, most of the time … once in a while … okay, hardly ever, but let’s not worry about that now. No, I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to make you pay for what you’ve done.’ ‘Pay?’ the somebody sniggered. ‘If only I’d brought some loose change.’ ‘Good joke,’ I groaned, ‘but only one person will be laughing when I get myself out of this particular fix … and it won’t be you!’ I paused. ‘It’ll be me. And I will get out of it. Yes, I’m stood on the roof of a rather large building and yes, you want me to jump, but that doesn’t mean anything. Not in the grand scheme of things. The way I see it, this isn’t over ‘til the fat lady— whoa!’ My sentence was left hanging as I did the exact opposite. The somebody prodded, the knitting needle stabbed and my body jerked. I began to wobble. Then I did something else entirely. I fell off the roof. ‘Goodbye,’ said the somebody. ‘Forever.’ This time there was no coming back. I was on my way. Over and out. Going … going … gone.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“YOU DID IT!”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“I gave the Big Cheese another curtsy (note to self – please stop curtsying)”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Let’s hit”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Like a petrified penguin on thin ice,”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“How dare you try and rob our bank!’ snarled Boris. ‘Well, you both dared,’ I said,”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Wrinkles.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Paper, however, has probably never had the misfortune of travelling anywhere with two bothersome brothers like Boris and Igor Bottle.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“me.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“You’ll need a strong bladder,’ sighed the Big Cheese, as he grabbed another slice of pizza. ‘The strongest,’ I said. With that, I patted my pelvis before sweeping out of the Pantry.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Before I set off for the Hard Times Hotel, however, I had a slight detour to make. The Big Cheese’s instructions had been clear. Ditch the dressing gown. So that was what I did as soon as I arrived back home. I ditched it and replaced it with my father’s dressing gown instead.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“One of my agents is about to explode,’ revealed the Big Cheese. ‘Not literally, of course. But he is being over-worked and we can’t afford to lose him like the others. I’m referring to Agent One.’ ‘Agent One?’ I said, screwing up my face. ‘That’s a bit better than Agent Minus Thirty-Five.’ ‘And that’s because Agent One is a bit better”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Sleep tight, Ugo Dayer …”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Work for you, sir?’ I said excitedly. ‘You mean … you mean …?’ The Big Cheese nodded. ‘Indeed, I do.’ ‘I’m going to be a … a …’ I stammered. The Big Cheese nodded again. ‘Yes, you’re going to be a—’ ‘Spy!’ I blurted out. ‘Toilet boy,’ said the Big Cheese. My legs gave way and I sank back down to the carpet. ‘Toilet boy?”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Now, you don’t look like much, young Dare, but if you’re half the man your father is—’ ‘Then I’ll be extremely small,’ I said. ‘Exactly,’ agreed the Big Cheese.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Stood in the doorway, I considered my options in four easy steps. Step one and I’d bump into a stiff-looking piece of red moulded plastic. The visitor’s chair. Step two and I’d bang my knees on an antique wooden writing table that was piled high with pizza boxes. Step three and I’d have by-passed both the table and its companion, a leather armchair, only to find myself nose-to-brick with the opposite wall. Step four and … oh, that’s not possible. Not without a pneumatic drill at least.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was

“Now, I know I’m not exactly boyfriend material—’ I began. ‘There’s no not exactly about it!’ interrupted Finefellow. ‘You’re only eleven—’ ‘Thirteen,’ I said, correcting her. Finefellow shook her head. ‘You’re still at school—’ ‘Not today, I’m not,’ I said smugly. ‘And you’ve got an incredibly unpleasant face,’ she added. ‘It’s like a wasp that’s been squashed against a car window. All scrunched up. Quite hideous really.’ Ever the gentleman, I laughed at Finefellow’s poor attempt at humour, before she followed it up with some genuine concern. ‘You’re not normally so ugly, are you?’ she said. ‘What happened? Did somebody hit you in the face with a door?’ ‘How did you know?’ I said, stunned. ‘Were you there?’ ‘I wish,’ grinned Finefellow.”
― David Codd, The Greatest Spy Who Never Was