Faking Under the Mistletoe Quotes

“I’m the human embodiment of someone hitting play on every single Taylor Swift song at once.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“When do I get accused of murdering you? Because I won’t even try to deny it. I’ll walk into the courtroom and say you’re welcome.” “You would be very lonely without me.” “I would definitely have to buy less Tylenol.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“He smiles at me, and I know it’s real. Because Asher is as stubborn as he is weird. You have to earn his smiles.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“Men suck. We should send them to another planet.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“The things I do for you, Asher McGowan.” “The list of things you don’t do is much longer.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“I think he caught The Feelings too. They’re very contagious. Sort of like the plague, but with less death and more boob touching.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“Men have been disappointing women for centuries. And if I’m going to throw myself in front of a train, it’s not going to be because of a man. It’ll be because the government found my blog about the extraterrestrials.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“But they don’t know Asher. And frankly, I don’t either. But I know there’s more to him than what he shows people. He built up his walls and hardened his shell for a reason. And maybe I’ll never know why, but I’ll sure as hell be by his side whether he wants me there or not. He deserves to know that there’s someone on his team.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“My gift of gab is documented on every report card I’ve ever received.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“That’s what death does to you—it eats you alive until you’re a hollow shell of a human who lives in a limbo of grief and guilt and denial.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“I pull the top and bottom apart. “What are you doing? That’s not how you eat a bagel. Are you some kind of savage?” “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to eat a bagel, Asher.” “Of course there is and that’s definitely the wrong way.” I roll my eyes. “Which is your favorite half?” “Both.” “I like the bottom,” I tell him before taking a bite. “It has more of a chew.” He’s glaring at me as I sweep leftover cream cheese off the corner of my mouth with my tongue. “It’s rude to eat a bagel that you bought for someone else.” “It’s rude to not thank someone for ordering you a Christmas tree.” “It was an unsolicited Christmas tree.” “This is an unsolicited bagel.” I grin.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“Apparently I have the emotional capacity of a rock.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“You look like a poodle that stuck its tongue into an electrical socket.” “How descriptive.” “I’m a passive-aggressive poet.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“like I just insulted his very expensive Gucci boots or ran over his grandmother’s dog.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“You’ll never get off the Naughty List with that attitude.” “That’s not really my top priority.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“Were you? Because I think you were drooling over a troll.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“I wouldn’t feel too special. He did the same thing to Harriet from accounting and she’s, like, sixty-eight.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“No wonder she dated Asher. They probably did weirdly specific things together at weirdly specific times. Coffee at exactly 7:03 a.m. Double-toasted cinnamon raisin bagels with extra cream cheese at 8:26 a.m. Hot yoga at 10:17 a.m. Avocado toast and aragula salad at 1:34 p.m. Dinner at that vegan place down the street at 7:35 p.m. Sex at 9:48 p.m. Everyone loves a well-planned kink, right? ''I'm scheduling you at eleven o'clock, baby. You know what happens if you're late''.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“Requested?” The only person I want requesting my presence at a party is Harry Styles.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“You're difficult." "Thank you.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe

“Why would you need a DNA test? I already know you're a fucking space cadet.”
― Ashley Shepherd, Faking Under the Mistletoe