The Graveyard Shift Quotes

“The world is a shit show, Lloyd. We're neck deep,” she said. “Every one of us is born with a shovel. At the end of your life, you'll be judged by one thing: Did you use your shovel to clean up your little corner of the world? Did you, by existing, make the world less shitty? Me? I'm using my shovel. I've chosen to start digging. I'm going to leave my corner nicer than it was when I found it. Part of that is my job. So, Lloyd. Tell me. Are you going to dig, too?”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“Every day, we make choices. Your choices either hurt people or help people. If you hurt people, and you don't care. If you only care about yourself, at the expense of others, you're gonna burn.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“This is it. I'm dead. Dear Baby Jesus, heat up the oven. I'm having pizza rolls in heaven tonight.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“The plasma center was sketchy, nothing like the clean, sterile, sunny office filled with smiling people portrayed in their website photos.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“They were an aspiring, but already failing, doomsday cult that formed in a subreddit two weeks ago. They met once, in person, earlier this evening in a conference room at the Sleep Rite Motel on Highway 37. Naturally, it ended in disaster. You'll read about them in the news tomorrow,”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“Demon Caroline turned her attention back to me. Great. She three-octave screeched. “Open the gate. Now!” “No.” Sigh. I slumped in defeat. This was gonna suck. Hard. The things a man had to endure to pay off student loans.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“But Faust already knew that, didn't he? He'd said I had ten grand in debt before I'd even added it all up. That's how the devil got you, wasn't it? With money. Because you're desperate. Riches now for damnation later. Man. I was easy pickings.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“NASA officials, when asked about the cult, seemed confused, saying the peak of the Leonid meteor shower was at least a month away and the Tempel-Tuttle comet wouldn't pass by the earth until 2031. They encouraged other burgeoning cult leaders to check the accuracy of their calculations before following through on such extreme plans.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“I didn't know what to do, which was why first days at jobs universally sucked. You didn't know where to go, who to see, what the routine was, what the manager looked like, who's cool and who's not. They didn't know you either, so you had no choice but to stand there like a wide-eyed dumbass waiting for someone else to make the first move.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“Maybe I could turn this plasma thing into a decent side hustle in the meantime. I flipped through the brochure. Fifty bucks for the first four donations, then thirty bucks a pop if you donate twice a week. Wait, the rates actually went down? Crap.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“But if you are a racist, cut it out. We live in Ohio. We're the Union, the North. We won the Civil War, freed the slaves and all that, so fucking act like it.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“you can't help but stop and ask yourself some questions. Like, how did I get here? Or, how did my life slide so far off the rails? And, how the hell did I get this job in the first place? Who was dumb enough to think I was qualified to battle a horde of monsters and stave off the apocalypse? Oh, that's right. I remember now. Student loan debt. And, of course, the devil.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“Free will is the idea that you, through your choices, thoughts, and actions, control the outcome of your life and the fate of your eternal soul.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“Aw. His shirt's orange like candy. He's like a pudgy, sexy circus peanut. I could just eat him up.” I started tingling all over, but particularly in my downtown area, if you get my drift.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“You. Basement-dwelling fat man. You are one of us. Join me. Bow to your master. Open the gate. The Angels of Divine Eventuality must be freed.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift

“I'm pretty sure dad-khakis and pastel polo shirts aren't it,” she said. The eight ball shook violently in my hand. I looked at it. “She's right. Lose the outfit. You're dressed like a pedophile.”
― D.M. Guay, The Graveyard Shift