Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood Quotes

“Reading books doesn’t even make someone intelligent. You’re reading a book right now and you’re dumb as hell.”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Vodka is like Katya - Russian, low calories, and made of old potatoes.”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Even a perfect makeup application can’t change everything. You have to like yourself. You have to understand that a blue eyeshadow won’t shave off fifty pounds. Brighter undereyes won’t fix your dark childhood. But a good red lip will get you laid at your high school reunion and that is proof enough that makeup is God.”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“For the modern woman, it can be quite difficult to make the time to relax, unwind, and unplug. Especially in today’s ultra fast-paced achievement-oriented workaholic culture. In some circles, if you weren’t working 80 hours a week in addition to a half dozen semi-professional level hobbies while dating 2 or three potential live partners between your volunteer shifts at the aquarium then you are basically good for nothing lazy piece of shit.”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Beauty is a lovely thing to possess, like dual citizenship or a will to live.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“I literally have no idea how the economy works. I couldn't even tell you in basic terms what the economy is. The stock market remains an elusive, boring mystery, and I just don't have the energy or interest in learning anything new right now.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“DEVASTATED. I was wrecked. I could barely eat for months (fierce).”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“History has proven that trickle-down economics didn’t pan out for the working class, and the same applies here: Trickle-down soap and shampoo will not clean those gams, so do yourself a favor and give your soiled stems the due diligence they deserve.”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Should I get bangs?" ― Hamlet”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“When you wake up in the morning, it is important to set the tone for the day. I like to jump out of bed, run to the bathroom, and stare in the mirror for a few minutes and give myself some positive words of encouragement like, "At least you still have your teeth! Now, get in the shower, you fucking bitch, and scrub the slime of that dead horse you call a body. Pronto!" (When you end a sentence with a foreign word, you invite a little culture into your life, and that's fun.)”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“The first general rule is simple and it's one that hopefully all of us were taught in kindergarten: Don't be a goddamn rude-ass piece-of-shit fuck-face bitch. Or, in the queen's English: Kindness is key.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Looking back, did I lose the love of my life? No. Did I lose much of anything? Girl, no. But I let this breakup be an uncontrolled test of self-indulgence. Unless your husband dies in space like Bruce Willis in Armageddon, you really need to calm down and assess. Is your life over? Is this anyone's fault?
No. The aftermath of shattered pieces post-breakup are actually rune stones that truth tell. If hindsight is twenty-twenty, you shouldn't feel fifty-fifty about moving on. Typically, time apart only further reveals the earliest red flags of a doomed duo.”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“If you are the kind of person who collapses into the bed after you climax, while your partner's orgasm is a brief postcoital afterthought, you're an asshole. I'm looking mostly at the menfolk, though I know very well shitheads abound in every size, color, and shape. It takes two to tango, Frank, so get back down there and make sure Vanessa isn't left high and dry. And if you can't figure out how to get things wet and wild, don't be afraid to ask the young lady what yanks her crank. A simple heartfelt query such as, "Hello, darling, I would love so much to help usher you to the absolute zenith of sexual climax. Is there anything in particular you'd like me to do that would precipitate this lovely event?" Bonus points if you're wearing a monocle and a tartan wool cape.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“So when it comes to hooking up, remember: Sex is lovely but it isn't everything, and whether you have a shit ton or none, it's not a moral issue. It's about your physical and mental health and only you can decide if you are in balance, so don't fall prey to shady people or institutions that would slap a value judgement on you for getting your jush. Personally I don't like to be dick-matized. It's not a good look, especially since I know that a good dick is only really just that—a good dick. A great book, or a wonderful television show, or a sensationally restorative night's sleep can be equally if not more satisfying alternatives, and none of these will give you crabs.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“In summary, remember: Nobody is good at talking, so just say something. If you end up saying something incredibly stupid, don't worry—most people aren't even listening.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Thankfully, heroin is one of the few drugs I've never done, and to this day I still don't really understand it's appeal. It has never seemed chic, glamorous, cool, or interesting. From what I can glean from the movies and real-life-anecdotal evidence, it's a really fun way to fall asleep standing up in the middle of the street, and an excellent way to choke to death on your own vomit when you're tuckered out in bed after an exhilarating bout of diarrhea. I'll just take the word of a longtime junkie friend I knew in Boston who after decades of being down-and-out finally kicked her habit. "It feels like you are wrapped in the warmest, most comfortable blanket of pure bliss, joy, and love and complete satisfaction," she said. "And then you get to spend the rest of your life trying to get back to this rush, while it fades away and grows more elusive with every try, as your life quickly disintegrates all around you." Fuck.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Going to the dentist is about as fun as driving over a beloved pet on the way home from dialysis.”
― Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“Beauty is a lovely thing to possess, like dual citizenship or a will to live.”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood

“If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em! Don’t sleep with people who don’t read!
via John Waters”
― Trixie Mattel, Trixie and Katya's Guide to Modern Womanhood