Jokelopedia Quotes

“What’s red and green and goes 80 miles an hour? A frog in a blender.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“Alex the lion in the Madagascar”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“What makes a joke a joke? What is the difference between the biggest, best, silliest, dumbest, dopiest joke ever and one that falls totally flat? First is the setup. Launch right into the joke. Make sure you know the whole thing backward and forward—there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as realizing you forgot the funny part. Next is timing. Comedic timing is a skill that takes lots and lots of practice to perfect. Don’t rush through your joke. Give your audience time to figure it out. But don’t wait too long or they’ll lose interest. Finally: the punch line. This is the last part of a joke—the part you’ve been building up to, whether you’ve been telling a long shaggy-dog joke (more on those later!) or a short-’n’-sweet riddle. It’s the funny part. Tell it loudly and firmly. Don’t laugh in the middle of it or you’ll ruin the suspense. Leave that up to your audience. The punch line should have an effect like its name—a punch of silliness, right to the funny bone.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“Did you hear about the underwear that lost its job? It was bummed.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were duking it out somewhere in space. Darth Vader said to Luke, “Join me and experience the power of the dark side!” Luke replied, “The dark side can’t be that powerful.” “Yes it is. I even know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke.” “How?” Luke asked. “I felt your presents.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“Mike went fishing one day, but at the end he had not caught a single fish. On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store. “I want to buy three trout, please,” he said to the owner. “But instead of putting them in a bag, can you throw them to me?” “Throw them? Why do you want me to do that?” the owner asked. Mike replied, “So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. “Sam,” says Moe, “you know how we both loved baseball all our lives. You have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you’ve got to tell me if there’s baseball in heaven.” Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, “Moe, you’ve been my friend for many years. I’ll do that for you.” And with that, he passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, “Moe…. Moe….” “Who is it?” asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Moe, it’s Sam.” “Sam? Is that you? Where are you?” “I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” says Moe. “The good news,” says Sam, “is that there is baseball in heaven.” “Really?” says Moe. “That’s wonderful! What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday!”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“dad goes into a pet store and asks if he can return the puppy he got for his son. The owner replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve already sold your son to someone else.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Watson were on a camping trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.” “Well, I see thousands of stars,” he replied. “And what does that tell you?” asked Holmes. “I guess it means we’re going to have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you?” “To me, it means that someone has stolen our tent.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“What’s green and blue and yellow and black? A burnt peacock.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“CUSTOMER: I cleaned my computer and now it’s broken! REPAIR TECHNICIAN: What did you clean it with? CUSTOMER: Water and soap. REPAIR TECHNICIAN: You’re not supposed to bring water near a computer! CUSTOMER: I don’t think it was the water that broke it. … I think it was the spin cycle!”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“GEOGRAPHY TEACHER: What state would you find Lincoln in? STUDENT: A state of extreme boredom, if he was in this class.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“A kindergarten teacher watched her classroom of children while they were drawing. She occasionally walked around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working very hard, she asked her what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing heaven.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what heaven looks like.” Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“TEACHER: Class, someone has stolen my purse out of my desk. It had $100 in it. I know you’re all basically good kids, so I’m willing to offer a reward of $10 to whoever returns it. VOICE AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM: I’m offering $20!”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“jumps”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“What’s the strongest insect in the world? A snail. It carries its house on its back!”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“TEACHER: Kevin, how do you spell crocodile? KEVIN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L. TEACHER: No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong. KEVIN: It can’t be. You asked me how I spell it!”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“TEACHER: Mrs. Jones, I asked you to come in to discuss Johnny’s appearance. MRS. JONES: Why? What’s wrong with his appearance? TEACHER: He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“A millipede ran into a centipede on the street. The millipede said in surprise, “Wow, what are the odds of this?!” “Oh,” answered the centipede, “about 10 to 1.”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!

“A snail is mugged by three turtles, but when the police ask the snail to give a description of what happened, all he can say is, “I don’t know, officer. It all happened so fast!”
― Ilana Weitzman, Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever!