Village of Noobtown Quotes

“My moment of indecisiveness got the better of me, and she shoved the spoon into my mouth.  That had to be a skill.  Everything was skills.  I was surprised that Breathing wasn’t a skill until I held my breath while swimming and found out that it was.  I was 5% better at it now.   Unerring Spoon Accuracy, Godlike Master, Here comes the airplane, Bitches.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Sphinx of the Black Quartz, judge my vow,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“stated”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Glancing down at my own chest after I’d removed the shirt, I realized that I was a bit more well-muscled than I had been on earth.  I had an 8 pack, broad shoulders and sculpted pecs.  I was so used to being a 40 year old with a dad bod, that I never really considered my looks here.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“I had the most powerful magic, and the need to use it.  Lifting my right hand, I summoned forth my Mana, converted it into magic, and spoke my own word of power.  Much to her surprise, I could still cast with my right hand, despite its missing digits.   “You aren’t really going to do this, are you?” Shart asked.  He was making his way over to me with only the barest hint of floundering. “Hoopie!” The spell pierced her barrier, turning the now useless boundary a bright blue.  Her expression was a mix of terror and amazement as the spell bypassed her defenses and impacted her.  Her ass exploded in an echoing cacophony of flatulence. It was literally the loudest fart I’d ever heard.  As someone whose mother-in-law used to regularly drive people from the room with her anal symphonies, I considered myself an expert.  I highly suspected Bashara was the kind of lady who didn’t fart in public; she must have been saving that one up all day.  She blinked several times, as she checked her status log.  It was time to execute the second part of my plan. Grabbing Shart, amidst his squawking protests, I yelled my battlecry. “Poke-Shart, Go!” Then, I flung the invisible demon straight at her head. Shart only weighed thirty pounds or so; I was more than strong enough to fling him at a pretty good clip.  His cry of “you bastard” slowly faded the further he flew.     I had hoped that being hit in the face would knock her off balance.  That would have given me a moment to pick up my sword and close.  Actually, I hoped it was possible to hit her at all; despite Shart’s ability to fly, he wasn’t very aerodynamic.  I couldn’t win a spell duel, considering I had only one good hand and didn’t know any good spells.  I was going to have to engage her in combat.  I sincerely hoped that my invisible familiar would give me an advantage. I hadn’t calculated on hitting the top of her head with Shart’s Belly Button of Holding.  Her head disappeared, completely buried down to the top of her shoulders.  Her body, however, still worked.  She was careening around, her hands furiously pushing on the demon.  The remaining bandit, coincidentally, looked at Bashara just as her head vanished.  Incorrectly assuming that I had some sort of head vanishing spell, he tried to break and run.   You can’t run away from a homicidal badger.   I managed to get within arms’ reach of Bashara, just as she had successfully begun pushing Shart off her head. She had freed her mouth and was screaming.  As she continued pushing, her nose popped free.  I felt only slightly bad when I grabbed the demon and pushed him all the way down.  In seconds, only her feet were exposed.  Then, I pushed those in as well.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Shart just bowed his head.  “You are an idiot.  Mages focus on a SINGLE type of magic.  Most of them learn about the Elemental schools like fire, for offense, earth, for defense, air, for movement, or water, for healing.  You are focused on Farts!”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“If you have a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“No one is building magic to challenge the supremacy of farting,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Where is the food?” grumbled Badgelor. “Yes, you can come in,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Everyone else just got to see me grunting as I walked down the street.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Did you put in any healing root?” she asked, apprehensively looking down into the pot.  “Straight Mealroot broth gives me gas.” “It's that, or nothing,” I said.  “If your butthole gets too musical, you can always hold a competition with Badgelor.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“In mere moments, I’d taken 36 points of Crushing Damage from a number of bites, and the cat showed no signs of slowing down.  I yanked down hard with my left arm, bringing the cat’s face level with my own.  Two could play that game, I thought and bit down hard on its nose.  The puma attempted to jerk itself away, but I had it pinned between my forearm and my teeth.   Snarling, it lifted its paw off my pinned arm and attempted to push me away.  That was unfortunate; in doing so he allowed me to bring my shortsword into play.  I released the bite on its nose,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“I’d learned fart magic, and it had finally leveled up one of my magical classes.     Glorious.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Badgelor, tiny once again, crawled under the table, his own dish carried in his mouth.  He started eating and grumbling with every bite.  I was fairly certain he had turned small so he would have to eat less.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“I can’t understand human very well.” “You understood Mar,” I stated. “Weasels are related to badgers,” replied Badgelor, dryly. “I could understand him well enough.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“You jerk, I want food!” stated the badger.  This got Mar’s attention.   He stood up, placed the palms of his hands on his desk, and stated, “Sir, you will need to remove that foul smelling animal from this office at once!” “Hey, Jim doesn’t smell that foul,” declared Badgelor. “Don’t worry, Jim.  I got your back.” I facepalmed as the badger stood up and continued his grunting tirade at Mar, who was busy glaring at me.   “I like Mar,” stated Shart. “This badger is my animal companion,” I replied.  This did not phase Mar. “No, you are my human companion,” growled Badgelor.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown