Decoding Boys Quotes

“Unfortunately, there’s a titillating interest in the budding sexuality of young girls. Like the Lolita syndrome sort of thing or whatever you want to call it. Unfortunately, it’s there. And in my opinion, that’s the big reason. Plus, the fact that girls can get pregnant and are more likely to be victimized than boys. I think a lot of [the focus on girl puberty] is the prurient interest in young girls’ sexuality.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“We have rightly spent so much energy making up for lost time empowering girls over the last ten or twenty years that, though the resources shouldn’t be finite, we have kind of forgotten about boys a little,” Goldberg told me, explaining the show’s XY bent. “And I think that boys feel it, especially with the rise of the #MeToo movement. Even in progressive spaces now, boys feel a little uncomfortable speaking up, because they feel like they are supposed to have entitlement shame as well.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“it didn’t take me long to learn that there is a major disconnect between most parents and children when it comes to talking about puberty. And regarding sex in particular—perhaps the most pivotal conversation for an adult, a major parenting milestone and hurdle cleared—the moment often doesn’t even register with their kid. Oof.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“Pausing is one of the most powerful tools in the face of incomplete myelination. If signals travel faster to the limbic system, messages just need a little more time to get to the rational prefrontal cortex. Seriously, just counting to ten before doing something impulsive can make all the difference in the world.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“Turns out, giving a kid time to think through a decision in the presence of adults—or at least without other kids around—can allow him to access his prefrontal cortex in a way that being surrounded by a group of friends simply doesn’t.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“there is a bunch of data documenting that when kids are around their friends, the limbic system is even more engaged, as if it’s on heightened alert.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“the prefrontal cortex is not fully myelinated, while the neurons in the limbic system are. And that means that if two messages are sent simultaneously, one to the limbic system and one to the prefrontal cortex, then in the tween or teen brain the message going to the limbic system will arrive much faster—3,000 times faster. The prefrontal cortex just cannot be accessed as readily as the limbic system. And that means that our kids can and often will make emotional or impulsive decisions”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“The prefrontal cortex is where a person weighs the consequences of doing something versus not doing something—it is the part of the brain that helps make good, smart, big-picture decisions. Long-term decisions. The opposite of immediate-gratification decisions. It’s where we process insight and empathy, control our impulses, and avoid risk-taking behaviors. The prefrontal cortex is the counterbalance to the limbic system—which is how it earned its nickname, “the brain’s CEO.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“limbic system commands feelings, behaviors, motivations, and memories. It’s the risk/reward region, the part that seeks novelty with its resultant emotional or physical high. By the time a kid hits middle school, his limbic system is pretty much fully mature, its neurons thoroughly insulated and therefore able to send and receive signals at warp speed. Kids this age can form memories they will keep for the rest of their lives; they are motivated by people around them and the stories they hear; they develop passions; they invent games and strategies; and they also happen to be really good at being impulsive and emotional. Thank you, limbic system.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“The bottom line is this: a brain that can ping-pong information with maximal speed and efficiency is considered “mature,” and since myelin speeds up signal transmission, it is a fair yardstick of maturity.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“How does brain growth and shrinkage fit into the framework of parenting a child through puberty? Simply insofar as it helps to remember that becoming good at something, be it a language, physical skill, social interaction, or following a rule, takes time. Over many years, the brain physically shifts, cementing frequently trodden pathways and deleting those it doesn’t use. So while your kid may grasp a lesson in a moment, it can take much longer for the knowledge to burn into his brain.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“We will, in the end, have a long laundry list of things that we put into and onto our bodies, purposefully or inadvertently, which ultimately activate the puberty machinery earlier.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“There are researchers working tirelessly to figure out if there is something in our world that can explain why, on average, our kids are beginning to develop younger than we ever did.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“There exists tons of research supporting the notion that talk is healthy: when kids voice current concerns to supportive listeners, they benefit from their community of advisors; when they put words to future potential issues and think through how they might react, they train their brains to respond more logically in the heat of the moment. Ultimately, talking about what’s going on in your life at any age, but especially during puberty, keeps people safer and healthier. Talking is associated with a stronger sense of self, as well as reduced risk-taking or more forethought (or…wait for it…both!). Even when we don’t get in front of a situation with our kids, open lines of communication allow for conversation afterward. Said another way, while not talking isn’t necessarily a bad thing, talking is a good one.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“When you make the wrong call, set the wrong rule, or react in the wrong way, take ownership, apologize as necessary, and then give yourself another chance. Take the do-over. That’s called being a parent.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“No” is indeed a full sentence, but “No, because…” is a far more effective one. Keep it brief, though, to avoid falling into the pit of serially lecturing your kid, because this breeds silence, sometimes fear, or it’s just plain tuned out. Back-and-forth dialogue is the key to successful parenting. So avoid monologues and instead make almost every conversation a two-way street.”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons

“Testosterone and other naturally produced chemicals may have a hand in making our sons retreat, but our own parental keep-the-peace, give-’em-what-they-want, be cool strategy of silence just breeds more silence. It is time for all of us to let go of our preconceived notions that our sons don’t want to talk. And”
― Cara Natterson, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons