Exponential Apocalypse Quotes

“Burt Reynolds’ mustache would kick Steve McQueen’s ass.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“it probably wasn’t the best idea cross-breeding a werewolf and an atomic mutant, engineering it to be excessively belligerent, starving it, and then insulting its mother repeatedly.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“Hey, like Shakespeare said, it can’t be porn if it’s classy.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“I’m a good, old-fashioned human, forcibly joined with an x-ray eye and a pneumatic penis because I was too stupid to stop fighting.” “Not the damn penis again...” said Thor, writhing on the couch. “What? I’m proud of it, Thor. I can lift a god damned Volkswagen.” “Christ, Mark, now I’m picturing it. And there’s a midget watching you for some reason.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“And that, my good sir,” he said to the refrigerator, “is why mustard tastes purple.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“A coat without buttons is still a bathrobe. And buttons shouldn’t be talking shit about the naked guy in the shower if they’d care to remain buttons.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“In the course of re-inventing the internet, Japan accidentally found a way to raise the dead. While most countries would have stopped what they were doing, prayed to various deities—as religion was still valid at this point—and then shit their pants, this was Japan. The internet had been powered by ghosts ever since.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“Will and Quetzalcoatl pulled up in front of a run-down bookstore in the middle of a bombed-out section of an abandoned town in a once-quarantined county in the middle of a state that was disowned by the government and handed over to hobos in the hope that they’d either stop being hobos or die.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“How exactly did he die? He’s just a porter. If he’s a zombie he’s still gotta finish his shift. We’re non-discriminatory.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“That’s great and all,” said Thor, “but how do we kill Quetzalcoatl?” “Violence?” suggested Phil. “I don’t really know.” “Seriously, man? That’s your answer?” “You’ve been at his side this entire time,” added Chester A. Arthur XVII, “and that’s all you’ve got?”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse

“Catrina shot Thor a look that would have killed a lesser man. Seriously. Dude would’ve burst into flames right there.”
― Eirik Gumeny, Exponential Apocalypse