The Last Taxi Driver Quotes

“You know what makes you a real Mississippian?" I rant or maybe just scream inwardly while flipping off the Confederate statue trapped in my rearview. "Surviving a Mississippi public education, that's what makes you a goddamn Mississippian. ... If you don't have giant gaps in geography -- entire countries you're unaware of, major religions you don't know exist -- then nope, not a Mississippian. If you had sober teachers who could even spell matriculate then you're from someplace fancy like Alabama.”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver

“I kept telling myself I should fuck it. I kept saying, ‘Faulkner would fuck that watermelon.’ But I never did.”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver

“NEVER BLINK YOUR HEADLIGHTS AT A UFO AND OTHER DRIVING TIPS FOR MISSISSIPPIANS”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver

“I've done everything from helping old people to pee to taking out their garbage to chasing their escaped pets. We are the poor man's ambulance, and we are also, sad to say, the poor man's priest, our cab the confessional in which people litmus-test their wildest fears and prejudices.”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver

“Rotaries are known as roundabouts here. This is where you are most likely to be T-boned and sideswiped at the same time. In Mississippi you must exercise patience while the driver ahead of you studies the rotary, discarding various theories and adopting others, before lurching forward against the flow of traffic. Avoid at all costs using the rotary’s two-lane system to pass another car. That is what fucked up Dante. The person in the lane beside you is always in the wrong lane at the last second and will swerve into your door, and there you go. Never fuck with anybody in a Dodge Charger. They are all Mississippian Satanists, which is the great white shark of Satanists. Never vote for any politician who reads books about city management and road systems because if you vote for a politician who reads books somebody might, behind your back, insinuate that maybe you are homosexual. In fact, all decisions in life, especially what presidential-candidate bumper sticker you put on your car, should be based entirely on what better promotes your heterosexual prowess.”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver

“After a pause for breath, I add, “¡Vete a freír a espárragos!” although it's not clear to me why go fry asparagus is considered such a terrible insult in Spain.”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver

“All Gotama [the Buddha] taught, it said, was a technique, the world's most logical way to reset your thought patterns in order to make you incredibly mellow and super chill, like Mr. Spock after pon farr.”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver

“After today's cavalcade of meth heads, being with Anna feels like entering a Zen rock garden.”
― Lee Durkee, The Last Taxi Driver