In the Absence of Light Quotes

“The light is a funny thing, Grant. We think it shows us what we need to see, but in reality, it blinds us. That’s why I brought you here. I wanted you to see me.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Morgan may be autistic, but he is a normal man with a mental condition, not a mental condition who is a man.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Pain, fear, humiliation, it turned his beautiful dark eyes into a window of hell. It was the first glimpse I’d had of the prison he lived in. A captive to the uncontrollable tics ravaging his body. I think it was then I understood the solace he found in the light. Just as it blinded the world to seeing what was there, it blinded Morgan. It tucked him away from the things he could not control and the things reminding him he was different. How he would never truly fit in. How he existed on the edge between here and wherever it was he went when the light spoke to him.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Here was a man who defied all odds, lived by himself, worked, created beautiful art. A complex mind stumped by some of the simplest tasks.
If he could, he would keep trying until there was only absolute failure or success.
How many people could say that?”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Well, last time I checked, if you don’t eat, you starve to death. Same thing happens when you don’t love, only you starve to death on the inside instead of the outside. Either way you die. So seems to me eat’n and love’n have a lot more in common than you think.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“I know.” He said it so matter-of-fact that I took a step back. “I’ve always known you’d never hurt me.”
“Then why would you ask about Jeff, or think I was going to leave?”
Morgan’s smile was subtle. “Because you’re the one who doesn’t trust. Me, yourself, even your faraway island. You doubt everything. And people who can’t trust, eventually run.” He took a step forward, and even though I didn’t mean to, I took a step back. “You don’t believe in yourself. You’re scared of getting lost. Getting hurt. Being trapped.”
I bumped the coffee table, stumbled, and wound up sitting on my ass. Morgan pushed his way between my knees and cupped my face. He continued to hold my gaze. Never had he looked at me with so much knowledge of who I was shining in his eyes.
“Love is easy.” He traced my eyebrow with his thumb. “Trust is what’s hard. Broken hearts can be fixed. Broken trust?” His touch followed a tear down my cheek to my lips. “Trust doesn’t heal. Your parents broke your trust when you were really young, it changed you, it took something away. Then the one time you let trust grow, you thought it had been broken again. That’s where it can be tricky, because sometimes trust feels broken when it’s only a little dented up.
"But it still feels like you’re losing bits and pieces of yourself.” Closer, his exhale ghosted my lips. “Now you’re scared to trust me because you might lose everything you have left.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Wait,” I cleared my throat. “He eats the cows?”
“What else would he do with them?” Morgan put his empty brownie plate with the rest of the trash.
“I thought he had the cows because of his wife.”
“He does.”
“Then how can he eat them?”
“What do you think they were going to do with the first cow?”
“I don’t know, I just thought, well… I don’t know what I thought, but it sure wasn’t grinding them up and making burgers. That just seems wrong.”
“Why?”
“They remind him of his wife.”
“And she ran a restaurant. C’mon, Grant, this is real life, not a Hallmark movie. Man’s gotta eat.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“The light is a funny thing, Grant. We think it shows us what we need to see, but in reality, it blinds us.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Love is easy." He traced my eyebrow with his thumb.

"Trust is what's hard. Broken hearts can be fixed. Broken trust?" His touch followed a tear down my cheek to my lips.

"Trust doesn't heal. Your parents broke your trust when you were really young, it changed you, it took something away. Then the one time you let trust grow, you thought it had been broken again. That's where it can be tricky, because sometimes trust feels broken when it's only a little dented up.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“You're going to give yourself to me, Morgan. You're going to trust me because you told me you did. And do you know why?"
Morgan shook his head.
"Because you're perfect and for some reason you find me worthy of your perfection. Because you're a gift and I will not let you forget that." I brushed my lips against his. His dark eyes searched mine. "And do you know the most important reason?"
"No."
"Because I love you.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“There wasn't enough room to leap, but I knew just by the watching how he danced from one foot to the next, he'd leap like a deer.
The most amazing thing was the lack of tics. They were just gone, leaving behind a gorgeous man who would never be normal. Not because of the autism, but because he was too extraordinary.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Who were the men in the Bronco?”
“If I had to guess, FBI.”
“Are they following you?”
“Apparently.”
“But you made it sound like they couldn’t arrest you.”
“Which is exactly why they’re only following me.”
“What do they want?”
“Information. Names. Dates. Locations. The measurements of my dick.”
“Nine and three quarters.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nine and three quarters.”
“My dick is not ten inches long.”
“No, I said nine and three quarters.”
“Even I’m not that self-inflated.”
“Have you ever measured it?”
For fear of setting off Morgan’s bullshit o-meter, I had to fess up. “Just under eight and a half.”
“When?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, if you did it before the age of twenty, you probably gained an inch.”
“My dick is not… okay, even if it was, when did you measure it?”
“I had it in my ass. I think I would know.”
“Is this where you tell me everyone has a built in ruler and all I need to do is bend over so you can show me how to use mine?”
Morgan snorted. “No, but we can test that theory if you want.”
If I said anything but hell yeah, it would have been a five-alarm bullshit fire. “My dick is not that big.” And as soon as I got the chance, I was whipping out the tape measure to prove it.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Why?” His question was almost buried by my heavy breathing.
I think I understood the question now. I could only hope I had the right answer. If there was one.
“Because I want to trust, be trusted. I want someone I can count on, someone who can count on me. I want somewhere safe. I want a home. But that can only happen if I’m with you.”
“I’m never going to be like other men, Grant.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant until I turned enough to see his expression. The knowledge in his eyes spoke of those places he looked into. The windows or portals he disappeared into when he followed the light.
“I can give you what I have, but I can never give you everything.” It wasn’t Morgan didn’t want to, he couldn’t. I could see that too. He could never give me all of himself because he didn’t control everything he had.
Could I live with that?”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“So, he's okay."
"He's doing everything else on his own but..."
"What?"
"Part of him is still missing." The hope growing inside me shriveled. "Personally, I think its because he's been waiting for that part to come home.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“It was then I knew. Staring into those eyes. Eyes that saw where no man could. I was falling for him. I take that back. I'd already fallen for him. I couldn't say when it happened or how. There at the doorway, before in the truck, at the diner, at the movie, but it didn't matter.
My heart was his.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“There will never be anyone like you, Morgan."
He closed his eyes for a moment.
"Never, not in a million years or a million lifetimes, will there be anyone else who has what I want.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Three years was more than enough time to decide whether or not we were right for each other. Thing is, I didn't need three years. I don't even think I needed three more days.
Could any Seychelles sunset be nearly as beautiful as him?”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Morgan had been right about so many things.
Except one.
I did have a reason to stay in Durstrand. And that reason was asleep in my arms.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Your battle is over. Live your life, be happy, love deeply.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Truth built on a lie is still a lie.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Now ease off the brake, I mean flip-flop.”
The truck crawled backward.
“Now, when you’re far enough back, step on the brake again.” The edge of the woods came closer. “Good. Just a little more.” We went another few feet. “Okay, stop.” The truck kept going. “Brake Morgan.”
“Which one’s the brake?”
“Left, I mean, flip-flop.” The truck jerked to a stop. I slammed my hand against the dash to keep from getting thrown around.
“You’re not a very good copilot, Grant.”
“You’re not a very good pilot.”
“That’s because I don’t know how to drive.” Morgan flexed his hand on the steering wheel.
I counted to ten before saying anything. “Now you need to put the truck in drive and make a right… I mean bare foot.” The truck shot forward. “Stop, Morgan. Stop. Flip-flop.” It jerked to a stop hard enough to dump me into the floorboard and crack my head on the dash.
“Fuck.” I struggled to get back into the seat.
“Should have brought a helmet.”
“If I’d known you were going to try to kill me, I would have.”
“You’re the one who said bare foot.”
“I meant direction.”
“We didn’t discuss direction, just flip-flops and bare feet.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“The right… never mind. Take off a flip-flop.”
“Why?”
“Don’t ask questions. Just take one off.”
“Which one?”
“I don’t care.”
Morgan did. “Now what?”
I checked to see which one he’d taken off. “Okay, your bare foot is responsible for that pedal.” I pointed to the gas. “Your flip-flop is responsible for the other one.”
Morgan grinned. “You’re getting good at this, Grant. I’m impressed.”
“Don’t push your luck.” I tapped his right knee. “Bare foot makes the truck move. Flip-flop makes it stop. Just make sure you don’t push the pedals at the same time.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
I made a face. “You ask too many questions.”
“You don’t know, do you?”
“Yes, I do. You can’t go with the brake on; it just revs the engine and wastes gas. Satisfied?”
“Yup.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“For all I knew, the condoms Jeff and I used had hidden cameras in them.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“But I’d been changed by the dark. I promised myself I’d never forget there were things beyond the light, and if I wasn’t careful, they’d be lost.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“I made the out of town trip once, walked a mile, and endured product placement rather than putting an item where it made sense. There were plastic smiles of overworked, underpaid employees who not only didn’t want to help you, they didn’t want to be there. Crowds, lots of crowds, because everything was always on sale. And after I’d wandered aimlessly for a couple of hours, running from one side of the store to the next caught in some perverse scavenger hunt, I stood in the line. Then there was the one open line in a row of fifty closed ones trying to check out a store full of tired suburbanites, their screaming kids, and clueless teenagers.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Let’s go with the wheat and rye. She’s shorter than me so looking up should throw her off her game.” “Are you hiding the bread?” “If I don’t hide the bread, then she’ll think she’s won.” Morgan pushed the cart over to the produce.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Brake.” The frontend dipped into a rut and the force tossed me close to the ceiling. “For God’s sake, flip-flop, flip-flop.”
The pickup cut ruts in the wet ground, spun halfway around on the grass before coming to a halt.
Somehow I’d wound up with my ass on the floorboard again and my legs on the seat. I glared at Morgan. The flush in his cheeks glowed against his pale skin.
He swallowed several times. “Well, at least it went better than last time.”
“Jesus, how could that have been better? You almost killed us.”
“I didn’t catch the truck on fire.” He fluttered his hand next to his temple. “Or drive into the pond.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Can I ask you one thing before you go?” the clerk said. Her short friend watched me over the edge of her glasses.
“Sure.”
“Are you and Morgan going to the movies again anytime soon?”
I swear every person in that room leaned closer.
“Uh…”
“Mr. Newman is gonna be showing the cows The Sound of Music next Friday,” Marge said. Then I’ll be damned if she didn’t grin.
What the hell did I say? Because they sure were waiting for me to say something. “We’ll see.”
Marge patted me on the arm. “Well, you just let us know.”
I faced some scary people in my life, had guns shoved in my face, seen the results of a disgruntled colleague's handiwork, and never ran. Apparently a room full of Durstrand locals could do what bullets had failed at.
I set the box of bottles on the floor on the passenger side of the truck and cranked it up. Everyone in the post office watched me out the window. Even the two mail clerks had squeezed up front. About half of them waved.
With my face on fire, I fled the parking lot.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“I suppose your lawyer has explained why we’re here?” “No.” Morgan tossed thoughts. “I told my lawyer why I wanted to meet with you. She agreed to arrange it for me.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light

“Sunlight broke over the trees and cut a path through the back porch. Fragments of color danced over everything. The glowing sections of light painted Morgan in a mottled rainbow, turning him into some kind of rare creature belonging to fairy tales.”
― Adrienne Wilder, In the Absence of Light