Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg Quotes

“The reason these diatribes are heard by more than just the occasional potted plant or captured hero is this: sparks quite frequently find themselves surrounded by people whether they want to be or not. We are not just talking about the stereotypical traveler whose cart breaks down during a storm and thus must seek shelter at the lone castle glimpsed through the trees and so finds himself at a timely ringside seat for the revelation of the latest abomination of science (although there is no denying this happens far more than is statistically probable). No, your seriously steeped-in-madness dabbler in the esoteric sciences usually finds themself taxed with a rag-tag collection of hangers-on, typically consisting of minions, constructs, adventurers, and those unique, unclassifiable, individuals whose raison d’être appears to be to remind us of what a strange world it is. Even more interestingly, it appears that the greater the spark, the more of these individuals they spontaneously accumulate.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“You know, there’s more to being an evil despot than getting cake whenever you want it.” Agatha thought about this and was filled with a sudden conviction, one that would stand the test of time through everything else that happened to her through the years. “If that’s what you think, then you’re doing it wrong.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“As we have mentioned, dragons are not really considered a viable life form, as they come into direct conflict with humans over things like money and power, which, frankly, is just asking for it.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Are you all right, Lady?” Agatha looked up. “I guess. I just wonder how many other girls have to worry about whether or not it’s smart to really trust their . . . you know, the guys they—” Lady Vitriox crossed her arms. “All of them,” she said flatly. “But mine has an army!” The old woman shook her head. “They all do, my Lady. It consists of other men.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“The Great Hospital prided itself on admitting anybody (though they might very well be arrested as soon as they were wheeled out of Recovery). However, this meant, as a matter of course, people who had enemies were lying around helpless. Needless to say, there was the occasional attack by people who just couldn’t resist the opportunity. Quite frequently, these attackers wound up next to their intended victims in adjoining beds, which actually had an astonishing recuperative effect on all concerned, as no one wanted to be the “last man down.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Everyone had heard about Abominations of Science but, like unicorns, they didn’t actually believe they existed. Thus everyone was rather grateful when the third Madrid Conference of Scientific Inquiry and Philosophical Horrors—Unleashed! released a codified list of things that constituted actual Abominations of Science. Over the years, this useful list has been updated and curated by our own Transylvanian Polygnostic University and has proven of great use to teachers, courts, and record books. The only downside was that one of the conference members—a Herr Doktor Spanakopita—was so embarrassed that none of his previous efforts met the requirements that he, in a fit of pique, bred a race of unicorns, who went about stabbing people while quoting the parts of the list that covered biological abominations. Before he was stabbed to death, he was graciously acknowledged as a genuine Tamperer in Things Man Was Not Meant to Know and his oft-desecrated gravestone lists his accomplishments in full.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“The encyclopedia is the only place in the world where World Domination comes before Work!—The last words of Joaquin the Illiterate, just before he hit that big red button labeled Do Not Touch”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Marshmallow guns (or other similarly useless weapons) are actually fairly common accessories in your typical spark laboratory. No one knows why. They just sort of accumulate.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Young lady, that is no reason to be soft on a villain! What have I told you about getting romantically involved with evil?” Sanaa closed her eyes. “ ‘It’s not a bad way to kill time as long as it ultimately results in the total destruction of her lair and the ruination of her nefarious plans.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Excuse me? Those are my fun-sized mobile agony and death dispensers. They’re works of art! You can break your own stuff, thank you very much.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Why are there mechanical squid in the water cistern?” The Castle sighed. “Why is everyone so surprised about that? Where else would we keep them?”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Or you could just blow Castle Wulfenbach out of the sky.” Othar clapped his hands in delight. “An excellent suggestion, young apprentice!” Tarvek ignored this. “Except, of course, that Gil is still up there.” “Even better,” Othar declared. Tarvek briefly considered this, then reluctantly admitted, “But he still has my notes.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Agatha blinked and then reexamined the stick. “That’s true. All right then, I’ll improve it. I’ll bet there are all kinds of things I can do to make it stronger.” Dimo raised an eyebrow. “As ve iz fightink our vay through a var zone?” “It will be an excellent way to get parts.” Dimo grinned. “Vhen hyu poots it dot vay, hit almost makes sense!”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“I was in the military for over ten years! If you can’t read a battlefield you could accidentally surrender to your own officers, which is super embarrassing, if only because it’ll get you shot.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Golf is a “sport” that became popular in Scotland in the fifteenth century. Players stalk about a predetermined course, driving small balls into holes in the ground with specially shaped sticks known as clubs. Devotees, of which there are many, claim it is one of the “purest” sports, as it develops nothing in the player that could be useful in the mundane world.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Herr Docktor Getwin Mittelmind (PhD, MD, BFA, University of Salzburg) was a spark who specialized in mad psychology. A specialized field to be sure. He was not locked away in Castle Heterodyne because he built giant anteaters. No, he was locked away in Castle Heterodyne because he could take a perfectly ordinary group of people and within six days they would build a giant anteater—because it was the logical thing to do.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“But, she silently vowed, science demands there be more evaluation of this kissing phenomena.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Analysis indicates a great deal of Wulfenbach’s initial success was due to the absolute chaos that reigned in the areas he conquered. The power of traditional royalty, as exemplified by the Fifty Families, was on the wane. Ascendant sparks, long kept as servants to royals, were realizing they could sit in the Big Chair themselves. Of course most sparks found it hard to understand that the ability to create carnivorous butterflies did not in fact prepare them for the complexities of good governance. Once they were in charge, things usually deteriorated quickly.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“A secret lab is considered by many to be the physical manifestation of a spark’s mind. Thus they tend to be rather individualistic. Some are spotlessly clean; some are filled with dangerous trash. Some are ruthlessly efficient; some are filled with suicidal deathtraps. Needless to say, sparks are usually vocally dismissive of the labs of others, while surreptitiously making notes about things they’d wished they’d thought of themselves.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Really. Now where would you put an access panel?” Tarvek looked offended, paused, and then pointed towards an inconspicuous set of switches. “There.” Immediately, Agatha looked on the wall directly opposite of where Tarvek had pointed. She found a screw that seemed out of place and, with a deft twist, the false front swung aside revealing a much more complicated array. “Amazing! Well done!” Tarvek stared at her. “Hey! I said over there!” Agatha waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, I knew you were lying.”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“Tarvek rolled his eyes. “Great. All we have to do is figure out where an evil, paranoid genius would put the access to a secret room that protects his family’s greatest secrets.” “True. Let’s try to think like a diabolical, amoral megalomaniac.” Agatha thought for a second, then turned to Tarvek and smiled at him engagingly. “Where would you put it?” Caught in the light of her smile, Tarvek grinned back and tapped an unassuming book. “Oh, I’d put it right here!” Instantly a section of the bookshelf swung aside on smooth pivots. “I knew it!” She patted him on the cheek. “Thank you, Tarvek.” Realization of the implications of this played across Tarvek’s face and he glared at Agatha. “Now just a minute . . .”
― Phil Foglio, Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg