Thunderbook Quotes

“Wade suggests Bond finish ‘debriefing’ Natalya back at Guantanamo, which suggests that, rather than sex, she’s in for a night of waterboarding, audio torture and electrocution.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“One of my favourite facts about The World Is Not Enough is that one of the rumoured titles was Bond 2000. I cannot even begin to think of a title that would have been more embarrassing than that – and I’ve really tried (except maybe James Bond: Global Hypercolor).”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Amongst the comedy-muffling noises coming from John Cleese’s wallet, Bond asks Q if he’s really retiring, which seems a stupid question to ask a man of 109. Of course he’s retiring, James, he’s Facebook mates with Moses.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“2) ‘Always have an escape plan’ – now this sounds like something our beloved Q would say, especially as he was forever building shit gadgets that necessitated urgent escpape plans.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Bond cradles M as she dies in his arms and tells him she at least got one thing right, which when you consider how many people have died at Bond’s hands and how many lives he’s wrecked, isn’t saying much for her record.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Q tries to demonstrate how it works, but seeing as it requires the lightest of touches to operate it and he has a pair of spam mountains for hands, his attempt doesn’t go very well, so Bond takes over and is immediately able to drive it perfectly, like my kids playing Mario Kart.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“He takes Bond on a tour of his gadgets and his ‘beautiful new car’, which is nothing of the sort, but instead a very boring slab of BMW saloon car. Rather than being a sexy, alluring, aspirational dream machine, it resembles something you’d buy because it has decent boot space.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“In his hand is a palm-activated controller that he taps in the most annoying fashion, allowing him to flick between screens at great speed. It becomes irritating within one second and by the fifth second you’re begging someone to come and help you hold him down so you can shove the pad up his arse.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Pissed off with his mansplaining, M decides it’s time for some home truths and informs him that she thinks he’s a ‘sexist, misogynist dinosaur’ – a label he seems quite happy with – and ‘a relic of the Cold War’ – which he takes slightly more personally.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Luckily, Bond has played GoldenEye on the Nintendo 64 and knows this facility like the back of his hand.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Bond fires a harpoon into the departing sea plane and is able to water-ski onto it, throw both pilots out and fly away with millions of dollars in cash. Krest watches on with a face that definitely says ‘oh fuck’.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Whittaker lies dead under a statue of Wellington, which would have been a better fit for the ‘he got the boot’ gag, to be honest.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“when she asks what happened, but once again Dalton delivers the joke with the disdain and bemusement of a waiter being asked for a Pot Noodle at The Ritz.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“They clamber aboard their airship, which inflates from inside a Portakabin – rather like Pavarotti emerging from his tent at Glyndebourne – and float away from Amberley Working Museum in Sussex, which doubled as ‘Main Strike Mine’. If you visit the museum today, they still have the Zorin-branded mine carts and the windmill, and you can look inside the mine entrance.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“What a view,’ she says, rapt, ‘To a kill,’ he replies, not realising that he’s just made no sense whatsoever.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“May Day escorts him out and drops him through the floor, causing him to turn into a dummy, because of the extreme stress, and fall hundreds of feet to his death.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Bond announces himself as ‘St John Smythe’, a name so utterly conspicuous that he may as well have said, ‘Dr Spy Man’.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Bond is having after-dinner drinks with Achille Aubergine (Jean Rougerie), perhaps the greatest character in 20th-century cinema history. He is to detectives what the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells is to the Church.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“His pet name for me was “Octopussy”,’ she adds, which leads to so many questions that are never truly answered and makes me suspect there may have been another reason why he shot himself.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“That’s my little Octopussy,’ she says, like it’s a thing that normal people would say.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“The threat of death might usually be a bit of a passion killer, but Bond is made of sterner (unrelentingly persistent) stuff.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“The computer is booted up by inserting a gigantic data disk into what looks like a washing machine, and Q explains that it’s still at an experimental phase. As it beeps and whirs into life, the lights dim to a menacing red. Q asks Bond to describe the man he saw, and begins to type in stuff. Within about 64 hours, a real 3D photofit of our man emerges, looking every inch like a photograph.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“while Moonraker was a massive orgiastic Freddie Mercury-style party, with Roger Taylor wandering around in a crown followed by a dwarf in a hat filled with cocaine, champagne vomiting from the taps and caviar spilling from the fridge, the producers woke up the next morning and surveyed the damage. Moonraker had been expensive – seriously expensive – and it was also, let’s be totally honest, a bit daft.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“The Minister demands to know what he is doing, and Q, checking the radar and not looking at the screen, answers that he’s ‘attempting re-entry, sir’. M sits back in his seat, shaking his head to himself. This is it, this is the fucking limit, in front of the Queen, Bond, for fuck’s sake.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Once again, it seems MI6 has moved location to exclusively service Bond wherever he goes on the planet. The other 00s must absolutely hate him.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“They board a cable car to head back down the mountain but are stopped suddenly by Jaws, who has located the control room and bitten through a cable (which was actually made of liquorice – fact).”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Does he have anywhere in mind? ‘I’ve always had a hankering to go to Rio, sir,’ Bond replies, and with a sudden flood of warmth and love, M says, ‘I think I can recall your mentioning it.’ It’s a perfect ‘M moment’. This scene would be the last thing the imperious Bernard Lee ever filmed. He was already ill at the time of shooting, and died shotly after completion. Forever loved and always greatly missed.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“To enter you have to enter a special keycode, which just happens to be the five-note sequence from Close Encounters of a Third Kind – a tongue-in-cheek joke Broccoli managed to achieve by personally asking Spielberg for permission. (Being a huge Bond fan, Spielberg agreed immediately, and many years later asked for the favour to be returned when producing The Goonies, asking Broccoli if he could use the 007 theme when Data swings through Mikey’s screen door.)”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“Sure. As you know, I have a vast selection of knives and I’m very good at throwing them. Shall I jump him in an alleyway or something?’ ‘Well, no. I’m thinking you could be in a coffin on a funeral boat, and then sort of spring up and throw knives at him.’ ‘Right . . . OK . . . Wouldn’t it be better if I just jump him in his hotel room or something?’ ‘No. It needs to be a coffin on a funeral boat.’ ‘I could cut his throat while he sleeps?’ ‘Funeral boat.’ ‘OK. You’re the boss.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod

“As he leaves, a tour guide is pointing out all the glass cabinets, shelves and objects that will be broken later in some sort of fight.”
― John Rain, Thunderbook: The World of Bond According to Smersh Pod