Beyond Shyness Quotes

“PATTERNS OF THE “SHY”

What else is common among people who identify themselves as “shy?” Below are the results of a survey that was administered to 150 of my program’s participants. The results of this informal survey reveal certain facts and attitudes common among the socially anxious. Let me point out that these are the subjective answers of the clients themselves—not the professional opinions of the therapists. The average length of time in the program for all who responded was eight months. The average age was twenty-eight. (Some of the answers are based on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the lowest.)

-Most clients considered shyness to be a serious problem at some point in their lives. Almost everyone rated the seriousness of their problem at level 5, which makes sense, considering that all who responded were seeking help for their problem.
-60 percent of the respondents said that “shyness” first became enough of a problem that it held them back from things they wanted during adolescence; 35 percent reported the problem began in childhood; and 5 percent said not until adulthood. This answer reveals when clients were first aware of social anxiety as an inhibiting force.
-The respondents perceived the average degree of “sociability” of their parents was a 2.7, which translates to “fair”; 60 percent of the respondents reported that no other member of the family had a problem with “shyness”; and 40 percent said there was at least one other family member who had a problem with “shyness.”
-50 percent were aware of rejection by their peers during childhood.
-66 percent had physical symptoms of discomfort during social interaction that they believed were related to social anxiety.
-55 percent reported that they had experienced panic attacks.
-85 percent do not use any medication for anxiety; 15 percent do.
-90 percent said they avoid opportunities to meet new people; 75 percent acknowledged that they often stay home because of social fears, rather than going out.
-80 percent identified feelings of depression that they connected to social fears.
-70 percent said they had difficulty with social skills.
-75 percent felt that before they started the program it was impossible to control their social fears; 80 percent said they now believed it was possible to control their fears.
-50 percent said they believed they might have a learning disability.
-70 percent felt that they were “too dependent on their parents”; 75 percent felt their parents were overprotective; 50 percent reported that they would not have sought professional help if not for their parents’ urging.
-10 percent of respondents were the only child in their families; 40 percent had one sibling; 30 percent had two siblings; 10 percent had three; and 10 percent had four or more.

Experts can play many games with statistics. Of importance here are the general attitudes and patterns of a population of socially anxious individuals who were in a therapy program designed to combat their problem. Of primary significance is the high percentage of people who first thought that “shyness” was uncontrollable, but then later changed their minds, once they realized that anxiety is a habit that can be broken—without medication. Also significant is that 50 percent of the participants recognized that their parents were the catalyst for their seeking help. Consider these statistics and think about where you fit into them. Do you identify with this profile? Look back on it in the coming months and examine the ways in which your sociability changes. Give yourself credit for successful breakthroughs, and keep in mind that you are not alone!”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“NOTE: Practice your most effective relaxation techniques before you begin these exercises (refer to Chapter 6 if necessary). People are better able to concentrate when they are relaxed.

Listening
-Pay attention to the sounds coming from outside: from the street, from above in the air, from as far away as possible. Then focus on one sound only.
-Pay attention to the sounds coming from a nearby room—the kitchen, living room, etc. Identify each one, then focus on a single sound.
-Pay attention to the sounds coming from the room you are in: the windows, the electrical appliances. Then focus on one sound only.
-Listen to your breathing.
-Hear a short tune and attempt to re-create it.
-Listen to a sound, such as a ringing doorbell, a knock on the door, a telephone ringing, or a siren. How does it make you feel?
-Listen to a voice on the telephone. Really focus on it.
-Listen to the voices of family members, colleagues, or fellow students, paying close attention to their intonation, pacing, and accent. What mood are they conveying?

Looking
-Look around the room and differentiate colors or patterns, such as straight lines, circles, and squares.
-Look at the architecture of the room. Now close your eyes. Can you describe it? Could you draw it?
-Look at one object in the room: chair, desk, chest of drawers, whatever. Close your eyes and try to picture the shape, the material, and the colors.
-Notice any changes in your environment at home, at school, or in your workplace.
-Look at magazine photos and try to guess what emotions the subjects’ expressions show.
-Observe the effect of light around you. How does it change shapes? Expressions? Moods?

Touching
-When shaking a person’s hand, notice the temperature of the hand. Then notice the temperature of your own hand.
-Hold an object in your hands, such as a cup of coffee, a brick, a tennis ball, or anything else that is available. Then put it down. Close your eyes and remember the shape, size, and texture of the object.
-Feel different objects and then, with your eyes closed, touch them again. Be aware of how the sensations change.
-Explore different textures and surfaces with your eyes first open and then closed.

Smelling and Tasting
-Be aware of the smells around you; come up with words to describe them.
-Try to remember the taste of a special meal that you enjoyed in the past. Use words to describe the flavors—not just the names of the dishes.
-Search your memory for important smells or tastes.
-Think of places with a strong tie to smell.

These sensory exercises are an excellent way to boost your awareness and increase your ability to concentrate. What is learned in the fullest way—using all five senses—is unlikely to be forgotten. As you learn concentration, you will find that you are able to be more in tune with what is going on around you in a social situation, which in turn allows you to interact more fully.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“OTHER RELAXATION TECHNIQUES
There are many other stress management techniques that can help you to “bring yourself down” quickly when you are highly stressed. You can use them before a situation where anticipation raises tensions that do not automatically subside after a few minutes. You also can use them during an interaction or when a surprise threatens to escalate your stress out of control. Or use them after an encounter has raised your stress level, if it is not subsiding naturally.

Mental Imagery
You experimented with mental imagery in the previous chapter on goal-setting. The use of mental imagery also can be an effective tool for anxiety control. Think of it as a new application of skills you already have: memory and imagination. When I asked you earlier to recall how many windows there are in your bedroom, you used imagery to retrieve the information. Mentally, you went into the room, looked from wall to wall, and counted. That process is mental imagery.
From a relaxation perspective, your nervous system cannot distinguish between reality and imagery. Material passed from the body to the senses, whether real or imagined, is processed the same way. Therefore, imagery can play an important role in inducing internal self-regulation and relaxation. If there is a particular image—such as the warm, sandy beach of the previous exercise, a cool forest clearing covered with a blanket of pine needles, or even a clear blue sky—that represents relaxation to you, it would be valuable for you to be able to tune in to it whenever stress threatens to interfere with your life. Be sure to conjure up the reactions of all five senses: Imagine the look, sound, smell, taste, and feel of your surroundings. Mental gateways are a valuable part of the relaxation exercise we just went through. And it is important to be aware that your nervous system—which is what overreacts in a stressful situation—cannot distinguish between reality and imagination.
Here’s how to use mental imagery to create a mental getaway:

(a) Choose a favorite place, a pleasant, relaxing setting that you have enjoyed in the past or one you would enjoy visiting in the future.
(b) Close your eyes and think about the scene. Use your senses of hearing, smell, sight, taste, and touch to develop the scene. Put yourself there. If your mind wanders a bit, that’s okay. You’ll drift back to the scene after a short while.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“If you experience feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, your poor self-image may keep you from exploring your social self and getting to know others. When fear causes inhibition, your chances of interactive success are severely diminished. Eventually, it will seem easier to avoid the anxiety of socializing than to go ahead and risk failure. The more you avoid these situations, the more you depend on family members for all your emotional support. In my treatment of individuals with social anxiety, these are the two personality profiles that inevitably surface. There is a direct connection between the two: If you avoid doing something that needs to be done, you probably depend on someone else to do it for you. For example, if you habitually avoid going to the bank, or making a phone call, how do these things get accomplished? Ask yourself: “When I avoid these things, who picks up the pieces?” You can’t have avoidance without an element of dependence. Now ask yourself: “If I did it myself, what would the outcome be?” And then: “If no one did it, what would the outcome be?”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Changing Your Opinion
Think back to the low self-esteem statements you identified with, bearing in mind that, no matter how you came by your low opinion of yourself, you can change it. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” You own your self-image, and you can feel about yourself whatever you choose to feel. Throughout this book, there are exercises to help you change how you feel about yourself. And in the next chapter, we’ll look at some ways to set social goals. For now, try repeating what Mrs. Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Give yourself credit for seeking help with your social problems. You care about yourself, and that counts for a lot.
Social anxiety and low self-esteem go hand in hand. In fact, many people simplify so-called “shyness” as a self-esteem problem. The reality is, however, that poor self-esteem is a by-product of social anxiety. It is the social anxiety that comes first, not the other way around! Social failures cause anxiety, which causes avoidance, which causes low self-esteem. As a person’s confidence dwindles, the fears become greater, until eventually the individual simply stops trying. With fewer and fewer opportunities for social interaction, there are also fewer opportunities to receive positive feedback. This combination of factors perpetuates low self-esteem, which cannot be replaced with a healthy self-image until the avoidant behavior ceases.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“When your interactions are inhibited by social anxiety, you are unable to get as much out of life as possible, and so a “harmless personality trait” can become a major obstacle that stands in the way of fulfillment and productivity. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Social anxiety is a learned response-a habit that can be broken. This book will show you, step by step, how to break the social anxiety cycle that may have caused loneliness in your personal life, decreased productivity in the workplace, and an overall lack of fulfillment. As you begin to understand that social anxiety is a combination of attitudinal, emotional, behavioral, and physical responses, you will see that there is actually no such thing as shyness. Rather, what you may refer to as “shyness” is actually social anxiety, a psychophysiological response that you can learn to control. To recognize social anxiety is to give yourself permission to resolve the issues that cause your symptoms. In working through this self-help program, learn to substitute the phrase “social anxiety” for the vague term “shyness” and you will start to see your response pattern in a different light: as a way of reacting that you have chosen, not some unchangeable instinct that has chosen you.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Of course, even in such a supportive setting, resistance still arises. In a “friendly” forum, stressors can be explored and confronted more easily, however, and I have found that the degree to which a person uses the group is often a good indicator of how well he or she is progressing therapeutically. Good attendance shows effort and commitment; poor attendance indicates that a person is giving in to anxiety. I’ve heard all the excuses and manipulations--canceling plans is typical of people with avoidance problems related to social anxiety. (I’m sometimes tempted to open a garage to repair all those cars that break down on group night!)”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“One thing I like to tell my clients is that the Chinese word for failure can be interpreted to mean “opportunity.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Shakespeare called the eyes the windows of the soul.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“As the legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi used to say, you have to know your fundamentals to play a good game.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Gaining insight or awareness is an important part of the getting-well process. Chapter 7 offers several exercises in self-awareness, designed to put you in touch with your strong points and help to clarify your goals further. People vary in their ability to become aware, and, once they have gained insight, in their ability to use this information effectively. And--this warning comes from my years of practice as a psychotherapist--beware the “I-Don’t-Know” disease!
When people seek help, part of the goal is to change the negative balance that exists in their lives. Much of this unhealthy balance has arisen because of a lack of awareness, and a tendency not to take responsibility for various aspects of their lives. Self-awareness can be a difficult thing to attain, and the learned reflex--the answer to any even vaguely threatening question--is “I don’t know.” But “I don’t know” is not a brick wall. It is a door to be opened. Find out what’s behind it. If you’re having trouble, keep knocking until you get an answer.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“In many instances, a preoccupation with appearances--unrealistic social expectations, impossible standards--can be the single largest barrier to a satisfying social life.
When I talk about social expectations, I use the term “pecking order” to describe a kind of hierarchy of sociability that exists in the minds of the people who suffer social difficulties. Generally, people who are well adjusted aren’t giving much thought to that guy whose friend is wearing a hearing aid, or how that guy could date that unattractive woman. But people who fear judgment are inevitably far harsher judges of themselves than any outsider could ever be. And yet, at the same time, they deny that there is a problem in need of attention.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“In many instances, a preoccupation with appearances--unrealistic social expectations, impossible standards--can be the single largest barrier to a satisfying social life.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“I’ve often heard it said that everything new starts with a thought.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“I’ve often heard it said that everything new starts with a thought. Here is yours: My social anxiety symptoms are temporary and eventually they will diminish significantly and may well disappear altogether. This sentence must become part of your daily routine. To ensure progress, you have to develop what I call PMA--Positive Mental Attitude. A positive outlook is one of the strongest and most powerful strategies of this self-help program. What you are doing is self-coaching, and a vital part of being a good coach is boosting morale. How? Through PMA, of course!”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Adam:
Of course, the pressure Adam was feeling was not just related to the math test. The roots of his anxiety went much deeper. Still, the physical symptoms of anxiety became so debilitating that he eventually quit going to school altogether. Naturally, his parents were extremely concerned but also uncertain what to do. It took almost a year before Adam was sufficiently in control of his symptoms to return to school.
Clearly, he was working to avoid the pain of any kind of interaction, because he was so afraid of rejection or humiliation. His social anxiety became so extreme that he feared the symptoms as much as the stressor itself; in fact, his fear of interaction developed into a full-blown phobia. Adam’s anxiety profile obviously featured all the physical symptoms on the list (especially shortness of breath, accelerated heartbeat, dizziness, and depersonalization). They surfaced almost daily and were extremely incapacitating, affecting him to a high degree whenever he was actually in the situation that caused them. Of course, when Adam avoided these situations, their frequency and severity diminished, but their degree of interactive interference increased until it was at level 5. The symptoms were so bad that they were preventing him from interacting, all the way to the point of incapacity. Obsessive thought patterns were a contributing factor as well: “Am I good enough?” “Will they like me?” Adam even had these recurring thoughts when he was alone in his room, looking out on the street at the neighborhood kids playing below.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Adam: Adam was a young man whose anxiety turned into a monster. Where Shelly had a very mild case of social anxiety, Adam’s case could only be called severe. Over a period of several years, his underlying social fears developed into a full-blown school phobia. A quiet, unassuming person, Adam had never stood out in the classroom. Through elementary school and on into high school, he neither excelled nor failed his subjects. By no means a discipline problem, the “shy” Adam kept to himself and seldom talked in class, whether to answer a teacher’s question or chat with his buddies. In fact, he really had no friends, and the only peers he socialized with were his cousins, whom he saw at weekly family gatherings.
Though he watched the other kids working together on projects or playing sports together, Adam never approached them to join in. Maybe they wouldn’t let him, he thought. Maybe he wasn’t good enough. Being rejected was not a chance he was willing to take.
Adam never tried hard in school either. If he didn’t understand something, he kept quiet, fearful that raising his hand would bring ridicule. When he did poorly on an exam or paper, it only confirmed to him what he was sure was true: He didn’t measure up. He became so apprehensive about his tests that he began to feel physically ill at the thought of each approaching reminder of his inadequacy. Even though he had studied hard for a math test, for example, he could barely bring himself to get out of bed on the morning it was to take place. His parents, who thought of their child as a reserved but obedient boy who would eventually grow out of this awkward adolescent stage, did not pressure him. Adam was defensive and withdrawn, overwrought by the looming possibility that he would fail.
For the two class periods preceding the math test, Adam’s mind was awash with geometry theorems, and his stomach churning. As waves of nausea washed over him, he began to salivate and swallowed hard. His eyes burned and he closed them, wishing he could block the test from his mind. When his head started to feel heavy and he became short of breath, he asked for a hall pass and headed for the bathroom.
Alone, he let his anxiety overtake him as he stared into the mirror, letting the cool water flow from the faucet and onto his sweaty palms. He would feel better, he thought, if he could just throw up. But even when he forced his finger down his throat, there was no relief. His dry heaves made him feel even weaker. He slumped to the cold tile and began to cry. Adam never went back to math class that day; instead, he got a pass from the nurse and went straight home.
Of course, the pressure Adam was feeling was not just related to the math test. The roots of his anxiety went much deeper. Still, the physical symptoms of anxiety became so debilitating that he eventually quit going to school altogether. Naturally, his parents were extremely concerned but also uncertain what to do. It took almost a year before Adam was sufficiently in control of his symptoms to return to school.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Anxiety becomes negative when you start to avoid the situation that causes it. For example, if I were to stop making public appearances because I didn’t like the physical manifestations of my stress response, or even to make the appearances but allow myself to be distracted by my cold hands or other symptoms--perhaps thinking, “Can they tell my hands are clammy?” “Am I making sense?”--that would be counterproductive. It’s important to me to make these appearances, so I channel my gearing-up anxiety into positive energy.
Anxiety does not exist to control you. You exist to control it. It is, as I said, a simple fact of life that can be managed. In fact, used properly, it can actually give you an extra boost by heightening your energy and awareness. If you have social anxiety about such things as giving a presentation, speaking up at a meeting, attending a social gathering, initiating plans, developing intimacy in friendships and dating, then learning to manage your anxiety will help. This book will teach you how to channel your anxiety--not how to eliminate it.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“What does running from a bear have to do with social anxiety? Everything. An anxiety reaction is your fight-or-flight response. If you see a bear, it’s okay to run, and in fact your physical symptoms of anxiety will probably be the least of your problems. But if you have those same symptoms when you go to a party or speak in front of a group, you are almost certainly overreacting to a stressful but relatively safe situation. It is a question of degree, and there are many degrees of anxiety. Some nervousness is all right, but not so much that you begin to run from interacting with other people.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“What does running from a bear have to do with social anxiety? Everything.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“The more you understand about anxiety, the more you will be able to control it. Remember, social anxiety is not some abstract phenomenon or indelible personality trait. It is an explainable dynamic that you can choose to control.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“The first step in overcoming your problem is to acknowledge that what you call shyness is anxiety, a very specific kind of anxiety. As you begin to understand this concept, you will be able to make use of the strategies and techniques I have developed to solve the problem. Remember, to use the word “shy” to describe yourself is to give up control of your life and your ability to improve it. Call yourself “shy,” and that’s the end of the story. Admit you have social anxiety, however, and you are on your way to a more relaxed, fulfilling life in which you are in control. Shyness, after all, means many things to many people. But anxiety is more concrete--I usually describe it as an attitudinal, emotional, behavioral, and physical response to stress, although not necessarily a negative response.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“The point is, you are capable of change! Life is what you make of it! Use this self-help program to make it all you want it to be. Don’t spend your life waiting for your luck to change. Make your own good luck by changing the way you respond. Go for it! The rewards are immeasurable.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“So what good is to be found in today’s metropolitan areas, amidst all the alienation, the anonymity, and the lack of cohesiveness that characterize the life-style there? Along with separation and disintegration comes specialization—and therefore excellent opportunities to socialize and utilize a vast interactive system involving the many special interest groups discussed in the previous chapter. Opportunities are there for the taking: in social and academic areas, in business and career fulfillment, for personal and financial growth. Opportunities for self-actualization abound. In the years to come, there will be increasingly more chances to socialize with like-minded peers, in environments never before conceived. These opportunities, when viewed as a testing ground for the self-help program described in this book, can become the basis for tremendous interactive success, no matter what your past experience has been. Change is in the offing, both for you and the ever-changing society in which you live.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“A CHANGING SOCIETY
What does today’s high incidence of social anxiety tell us about modern society? As we’ve seen, social anxiety is connected to a person’s drive for self-preservation and a feeling of safety. It is natural to withdraw from situations that we expect will lead to pain. Avoidance—while not necessarily healthy—is logical. Because the negative social experience of a growing number of people has caused them emotional pain and suffering, the number of individuals who choose to avoid socializing is increasing at an alarming rate. The sometimes wide distance among family members these days only adds to isolation. And the anonymity of large cities creates a vacuum in which many lonely people co-exist, often leading solitary lives in which they pursue their interests and activities alone.
We live in a society in which social fears are perhaps not unjustified. As cities become denser, isolation seems to be the best way to counter urban decay. Consider the dangers of the outside world: Crime rates are soaring. Caution—and its companion, fear—are in the air. As the twentieth century draws to a close, we find ourselves in a society where meeting people can be difficult.
These larger forces can combine to create a further sense of distance among people. Particularly significant is the change that has taken place as the social organization of the smaller-scale community gives way to that of the larger, increasingly fragmented city. In a “hometown” setting, the character of daily life is largely composed of face-to-face relations with friends, neighbors, co-workers, and family members. But in the hustle and bustle of today’s cities, whose urban sprawls extend to what author Joel Garreau has called Edge Cities—creating light industrial suburbs even larger than the cities they surround—the individual can get lost. It is common in these areas for people to focus solely on themselves, seldom getting to know their neighbors, and rarely living close to family. We may call these places home, but they are a far cry from the destination of that word as we knew it when we were children.
Today’s cities are hotbeds of competition on all levels, from the professional to the social. It often seems as if only the most sophisticated “win.” To be ready for this constant challenge, you have to be able to manage in a stressful environment, relying on a whole repertoire of social skills just to stay afloat. This competitive environment can be terrifying for the socially anxious person.
The 1980s were a consumer decade in which picture-perfect images on television and in magazines caused many of us to cast our lots with either the haves or the have-nots. Pressure to succeed grew to an all-time high. For those who felt they could not measure up, the challenge seemed daunting. I think the escalating crime rate in today’s urban centers—drugs, burglary, rape, and murder—ties into this trend and society’s response to the pressure. In looking at the forces that influence the social context of modern life, it is clear that feelings of frustration at not “making it” socially and financially are a component in many people’s choosing a life of crime. Interactive ability determines success in establishing a rewarding career, in experiencing relationships. Without these prospects, crime can appear to be a quick fix for a lifelong problem.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“DEPRESSION

Many of the individuals in my program have pointed to a level of depression as an initial symptom. Depression—pervasive, overwhelming feelings of sadness and hopelessness—is a natural result of social anxiety. Anyone who has been inhibited by anxiety and fear will experience less success, less pleasure, less gratification, and ultimately, lower self-esteem. The more pervasive this pattern, the more frustration and anger build. The result can be a reactive depression, caused by the situation the individual finds himself in. Other forms of depression—indigenous or biological depression—have a chemical basis. But some degree of reactive depression is common among socially anxious people, and many mental health professionals erroneously identify depression as the overwhelming problem (in fact, social anxiety is at the root, and has caused the depression). With this kind of depression, decreasing social anxiety and promoting healthy interaction is the long-term answer.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“ELECTIVE MUTISM

Social anxiety appears in many forms, some of which are only now coming to light. Socially anxious children, for example, are usually thought of as quiet and reserved and of course “shy.” But some children, though they function fairly well in their home environment, have great difficulty talking in social situations. Donny was one such child. At fourteen, he managed quite well at home, but never talked to his peers. His parents encouraged him to join in group activities, and even sent him off to an overnight camp. But he remained silent, even when he became lost in the woods. The child was alone for several hours; dusk was approaching, and he began to get cold, but he still could not bring himself to call out. The counselors were near enough for him to attract their attention and yet he remained mute.
Alarm bells went off for Melanie when she noticed that her daughter at age three had trouble talking with people outside their home. When the little girl went to see Santa Claus, and he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she became hysterical and couldn’t respond verbally. And the problem continued: She would speak only with the immediate family, and never to peers or potential playmates. Elective mutism is a very specific symptom of social anxiety. Fear turns into panic which inhibits speech; the elective mute is capable—physically—of speaking to outsiders, but anxiety prevents him or her from speaking. Only recently has there been any media attention paid to this syndrome, and research in this area has just begun. After an article appeared in a New York-area newspaper, however, someone who had expressed interest in starting a self-help group for elective mutes was besieged with phone calls from desperate relatives, eager to get help for their silent family members. I have worked with people of all ages who suffer from varying degrees of elective mutism. From my perspective, elective mutism is treatable relatively easily in childhood or early adolescence. But treating the adult is very difficult because of the pervasive progression of the problem.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“MEN AND WOMEN

About 65 percent of the calls I receive from around the country are from men or from parents concerned about their adolescent or adult sons. Does this mean that most of the people who suffer from social anxiety are men? Are women for the most part immune to social anxiety? My more informal research says no. My theory—not to be sexist—is that society expects more from men, despite recent gains in equality for women. Men are under far more pressure to succeed, both in their careers and in their social lives, than women are. Women can be considered “shy,” “demure,” “quiet”—all stereotypically feminine characteristics and all characteristics that can mask social anxiety, which can perpetuate overprotective and enabling behavior.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS

These days, there are special interest groups of all kinds: sports clubs, outdoor clubs, singles activities, political groups, cooking clubs, travel groups, and many more. You can join any of these groups as a way of experimenting with your social self. The people there need never know you wrestle with social anxiety. If you seem quiet or reserved at first, that’s natural. If you need to, you can apply your self-help strategies to make it easier for you to interact.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

“Groups are, in a sense, a microcosm of the real world. In all groups, there are leaders and followers . . . and many people who fall somewhere in between. Some groups are professionally led, and some are self- or volunteer-directed. In every group, there will be people you like and people you don’t, people who seek you out, and people who do not. Understanding and joining in the group process and making it work for you is what is important. Experiment with several groups, if you like, to find the ones that you enjoy the most. Strive to find a group in which you think you would feel comfortable expressing yourself or interacting with others and which has an appropriate meaning for you (a self-help group should address your particular issues; a hobby club should focus on something you enjoy). Attend the group a few times to get a sense of how members interact with each other. If the thought of doing so still causes you anxiety, continue working on stress management, and remain fairly passive in the group until you feel more comfortable.
In my own social therapy group program, our purpose is to help individuals learn how to control social anxiety and refine their interactive skills. Social anxiety is a people-oriented problem, which makes group experience important both theoretically and practically. Some traditional therapists have called my program unorthodox because it encourages patients to talk to and learn from each other—as opposed to the isolation and protection offered by many of the more conservative therapies. But I say that social interaction is something you learn by doing. My groups are places to practice, make mistakes, and experience success in a supportive yet challenging environment.
Of course, even in such a supportive setting, resistance still arises. In a “friendly” forum, stressors can be explored and confronted more easily, however, and I have found that the degree to which a person uses the group is often a good indicator of how well he or she is progressing therapeutically. Good attendance shows effort and commitment; poor attendance indicates that a person is giving in to anxiety. I’ve heard all the excuses and manipulations—canceling plans is typical of people with avoidance problems related to social anxiety. (I’m sometimes tempted to open a garage to repair all those cars that break down on group night!) Yet often, after overcoming the initial stage of anxiety, many participants enjoy the process.
As you consider the option of incorporating various kinds of groups in your community into your self-help program, remember that groups can be a very important component of your map for change. Groups can provide you with the opportunity to practice the skills that are crucial to your success. Make sure that your expectations are realistic and that you understand the purpose and the limitations of whatever group you join.”
― Jonathan Berent, Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties