How to Become a Federal Criminal Quotes

“superstitious people—including Martin Luther—believed that the devil had no buttocks and that by exposing one’s own buttocks in his general direction, the devil would be so envious at the mere sight of a rear end that he would avert his gaze and leave the mooner alone.”
― Mike Chase, How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender

“I suggest that we should not take too seriously anyone who can sense an insinuation in every advertising statement, and for whom a phallic symbol is anything longer than it is wide.”
― Mike Chase, How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender

“possessing distilling equipment on a boat is a crime”
― Mike Chase, How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender

“Bacon sellers can be criminally charged for selling shingle-packed bacon if consumers can’t see at least 70 percent of a “representative slice” through that little window in the package.”
― Mike Chase, How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender

“One deeply unfair facet of federal falconry law, however, forbids falconers from letting their falcons appear in films that aren’t about falconry. Aside from being hard to say ten times fast, it also happens to be a federal crime.”
― Mike Chase, How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender

“This book is dedicated to the United States Congress. You guys are hilarious.”
― Mike Chase, How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender