Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists Quotes

“The accusations of being selfish, narcissistic, or self-centered cause adult children of narcissists to fear setting boundaries with others. Since narcissistic parents condition their children to associate any form of healthy boundary-setting with punishment and projection, their children grow up believing that standing up for themselves is an inherently selfish act.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Flying monkeys are recruited by narcissistic individuals to do their dirty work on their behalf. Narcissistic parents may enlist other relatives, siblings, or friends to act as flying monkeys to further exploit, gaslight, and abuse their children.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Imagine the daughter of a narcissistic father as an example. She grows up chronically violated and abused at home, perhaps bullied by her peers as well. Her burgeoning low self-esteem, disruptions in identity and problems with emotional regulation causes her to live a life filled with terror. This is a terror that is stored in the body and literally shapes her brain. It is also what makes her brain extra vulnerable and susceptible to the effects of trauma in adulthood.                              Being verbally, emotionally and sometimes even physically beaten down, the child of a narcissistic parent learns that there is no safe place for her in the world. The symptoms of trauma emerge: disassociation to survive and escape her day-to-day existence, addictions that cause her to self-sabotage, maybe even self-harm to cope with the pain of being unloved, neglected and mistreated. Her pervasive sense of worthlessness and toxic shame, as well as subconscious programming, then cause her to become more easily attached to emotional predators in adulthood. In her repeated search for a rescuer, she instead finds those who chronically diminish her just like her earliest abusers. Of course, her resilience, adept skill set in adapting to chaotic environments and ability to “bounce back” was also birthed in early childhood. This is also seen as an “asset” to toxic partners because it means she will be more likely to stay within the abuse cycle in order to attempt to make things “work.” She then suffers not just from early childhood trauma, but from multiple re-victimizations in adulthood until, with the right support, she addresses her core wounds and begins to break the cycle step by step. Before she can break the cycle, she must first give herself the space and time to recover. A break from establishing new relationships is often essential during this time; No Contact (or Low Contact from her abusers in more complicated situations such as co-parenting) is also vital to the healing journey, to prevent compounding any existing traumas.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Children of narcissistic parents are programmed at an early age to seek validation where there is none, to believe their worthiness is tied to the reputation of their families, and to internalize the message that they can only sustain their value by how well they can ‘serve’ the needs of their parents. They have lived an existence where love was rarely ever unconditional, if given at all.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Interacting with people and making decisions can be inevitably triggering to us, hijacking the very parts of our brain which cause us to regress back to childhood.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Once we’ve worked to re-parent and heal the inner child, we can regain the childlike qualities that our healthy Inner Child was forced to bury beneath the trauma: qualities like curiosity, playfulness, compassion, spontaneity, and the joy of being alive.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Adult children of narcissists gravitate toward narcissists, and they gravitate towards you. Dangerous people and situations ironically feel more like “home” than safe ones and you find yourself always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
― Shahida Arabi, MA, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Anger is the inner child taking its power back. Anger is protection, self-defense, the awakening that you are a divine being of worth and value worthy of fighting for. Anger can be a signal that you have been violated and deserve justice. Do not be ashamed about your anger. Honor it. Love it. Validate it. Use it constructively as fuel to dream bigger, enforce boundaries, issue healthy consequences to toxic people, love yourself harder, and fuel you to accomplish your goals. Anger is the voice that says, “You deserve the very best." Use your righteous anger to create revolution and productive change in times of injustice — use it to drive your motivation and resilience in times of turmoil.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Total inability to feel any joy - although I wouldn't consider myself depressed at all. I like and appreciate life and count my many blessings. But that purely physical "buzz" feeling of relaxation, joy and peace in happy moments has eluded me for many years now.” —  Harriett,”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“They may even go so far as to injure their children to garner sympathy from others as the concerned, caretaking and doting parent.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Empathic adult children of narcissists lack a sense of “deservingness,” causing them to believe they are not owed anything – not even basic respect or decency.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Since I was also severely bullied by peers at the time at school, I would disappear into daydreaming for hours, creating imaginary worlds and escaping into fantasy scenarios instead of connecting with the reality of the abuse around me.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“Exiles are the wounded inner parts which carry the emotions and memories of our childhood wounds. Managers are the hypercritical, controlling inner parts which attempt to protect our exiles from being triggered. Firefighter inner parts also help to hide the vulnerable exile parts from coming into our consciousness but they do so by dousing out the “fires” (triggers) immediately by causing us to engage in addictive, compulsive, and self-harming behaviors to escape the pain.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“The adult daughter of a narcissist may learn to placate angry men as a result of her father’s abusive outbursts.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery

“showing contempt for the child and ignoring the child creates an overwhelming sense of toxic shame.”
― Shahida Arabi, Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery