Modern Kinship Quotes

“The secular world would have a far more favorable view of Christianity if we were better at showing them the fruits of our faith than at telling them how they need to conform to belong. The Christian dialogue today would be less about creating laws to protect our faith and more about breaking down barriers to allow our love to spill out into the rest of the world. But that kind of approach requires a humility and vulnerability too many Christians aren't willing to express.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage

“Show, don't tell" is a rule of good writing, and it has become a kind of mantra for us ever since we got married. We try to ask ourselves how we can show the people we encounter that we're people of faith without ever saying the words. It has caused us to think more critically about how we behave toward people and the choices we make. It has, in truth, revealed all sorts of ugliness in us. When our witness is stripped of Christian platitudes and justifications and is limited to simply how we treat other human beings, we're confronted with all of the subtle ways in which we ignore, belittle, and dehumanize others — especially those most in need of God's love.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage

“We always try to work toward consensus, but our diverging opinions are still abundant. Although this is very much a "choose your battles" situation, we like to think of it instead as "choose your peace." It's easier to let go of decisions when we know we are doing it to preserve peace.

Express your reservations with love, and if your spouse chooses not to listen, stand by them anyway. If need be, quietly help them out should they find themselves in a predicament. Proving you're right doesn't make your marriage stronger, but being supportive does.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage

“The lesson for all of us is this: your authority to speak into someone's life is directly proportional to your investment in the relationship.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage

“The problem with my casual friend was that we didn't have any real relationship. He's a sweet guy and a true lover of Jesus, but we were never close enough to speak meaningfully into each other's lives. He hadn't gotten to know Constantino and had never spent time with us to see the fruit borne of our relationship. So when he wrote me with his Scripture-spattered disapproval, my heart had little generosity to listen. Furthermore, his message consisted of nothing more than the same tired clobber passages from the Bible with which I was all too well acquainted. I had wrestled with the issue of homosexuality for twenty years — through agonizing therapy, scholarly books, thoughtful discussion, Bible study, and endless prayer. I doubt he had been so diligent about the issue. So when he asserted my wrongness with so much confidence, it felt to me like an insolent kindergartner criticizing a PhD's solution to a calculus problem.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage

“For those who insist on staying put until all of their answers are satisfied, we offer this: What if inaction based on fear of sin is more sinful than acting with a genuine intention to follow God? Perhaps it's better to misstep with the intention of following God than to never take a step at all. How can God ever use us if we refuse to crawl out of our self-imposed cages? How can we offer anything to others when all of our energy is focused on withholding and obeying? Ultimately, we can never truly know God's mind with absolute certainty.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage

“What many people fail to understand is that coming out doesn't happen all at once. There is no gay correlation to a bar mitzvah or confirmation, in which you read the sacred texts of Oscar Wilde in front of friends and family and then receive a rainbow flag from Ellen DeGeneres, who drapes it about your shoulders as a disco band strikes up "I'm Coming Out.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage

“The queer Christian community is moving past apologetics, beyond having to justify our sexuality to the church or defend our faith to our secular LGBTQ friends. For so long our community has been focused on the issue of acceptance that we have, perhaps, become shortsighted about what lies beyond it. That is what we seek to explore in this book; lives and relationships as they break free from a history of hostility and emerge into an era of acceptance.”
― David Khalaf, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage