Mister Bodyguard Quotes

“And then I follow that bit of awesomeness by turning around gracing Aloha with some enthusiastic shakes of my rock-hard ass. “Yassss!” Aloha yells. “Come to mommmmmaaaaa!”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Wow. She looks exactly like Kat,” I say. “Yeah, I’ve come to the conclusion Kat’s a starfish,” Josh says. “I think she grew Gracie out of her side like an extra arm bud. Clearly, I had absolutely nothing to do with her.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Because I’m not only a flaming asshole. I’m a wimp, too. Or maybe, more accurately, I’m a cowardly ostrich who was hoping, in that moment, to bury my head in the sand and pretend this morning’s hideousness never happened.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“I choose you, boo. Every time.” I let out the biggest sigh of my life. “Oh, thank God.” “No, thank me. God has nothing to do with it. Unless I’m God, which is entirely possible.” “Thank you, Peenie. That right there is why I love you the most.” “As you should.” He smiles. “I’m a giver, sweet meat. It’s a blessing and a curse.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Our credo is: if you’re not getting your woman off hard and multiple times in a sesh, then you’re failing at fucking.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Life is short.” “Yeah, but it’s not that short. You don’t have the lifespan of an inchworm.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“I quickly carry Aloha off the dance floor into a secluded corner of the large room. “Ooh, we’re going somewhere to make out now?” Aloha says gleefully. “Yippee!” “Cool your jets, horn dog,” I say.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“So this is our thing now?” I say, shouting over the blaring music. “You’re my little koala and I’m your eucalyptus tree?” Aloha giggles. “If eucalyptus trees get raging hard-ons, then yes.” “You think this is me with a raging hard-on? Sweetheart, this is me with a limp dick.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“A female shriek of joy wafts out of Keane’s phone, drawing everyone’s attention. Keane laughs. “Yes, I know. That’s why I asked Z for the tix.” He grins and his dimples pop. “I love you, too. The absolute most.” My heart melts.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Keane Elijah ‘Ball Peen Hammer Peenie Weenie Fucking Peen’ Morgan,” Dax says. “Do you solemnly swear to administer your judicial duties diligently, honestly, and without fucking it up at all times?”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Dax grimaces. “Well, damn, you know you’ve unwittingly teetered into douchebag territory if Keane ‘the Peen’ Morgan feels the need to be the voice of feminism in a conversation with you.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“The Bodyguard and the Hula Girl He’s my boy toy And I’m his hula girl. He’s Mister Bodyguard And I’m a kitten’s breath away From falling hard. Or maybe just falling Into the abyss And selfishly using his bright smile and kiss As a breathing apparatus. Am I toying with this boy’s heart? I don’t mean to do it, if I am, Honestly. But, yeah, probably, I am. Because it comes so naturally to me To tease and please, so damned easily That I might not even know it If indeed I’m performing Or otherwise committing a sin or misdeed. Is this a yarn I’m spinning Or a true story with a perfect beginning? If this is a dream, then don’t wake me from it, Please. And if it’s more than that, If it’s genuine reality, Then teach me how to believe it, To know for certain when a romance goes From ephemeral to irrevocable, Fictional to factual, When a fairytale becomes dependable and actual, Rather than merely hormonal and situational. Yes, I’ve been playing with my boy toy, I’m sure of it now, All the while praying I don’t break him Or make him hate me Or leave me, Or, God forbid, go back to Daphne. That bitch. But is she really more of a bitch than me? Because I’ve been playing with my boy toy Shamelessly, All the while closing my eyes and praying That when he finds out The Package Ain’t what she’s cracked up to be He’ll still somehow, miraculously, Inexplicably... For reasons that will surely escape me... Reject the fate of poor Kevin and Whitney And decide to stay with me, His fucked-up hula girl, His koala in a eucalyptus tree, His clingy baby monkey. And by “stay,” by the way, I mean to say not just for a tour, But until a far-away day... As far away as... Maybe... Dare I say it... At the risk of sounding silly or naïve Or even flat-out crazy... An eternity?”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“I sit on the edge of the bed and grab her hands. “Why are you crying? Give your pain to me.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Wow, you’re all intertwined like a giant pretzel,” I say, laughing.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Ryan and Tessa Morgan are so damned caliente together, I can’t help thinking, while politely shaking their hands: I would pay to watch you two have sex.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“I think tonight is when I’m gonna eat your sweet little pussy until I make it rain all over my face.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Because he’s a gladiator and I’m a warrior princess and together we’re magic.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Call meeeeeeeeeeee! (But only when you’re done making Aloha see God multiple times in one sesh.) #CannotRushPerfection #DoNotCallMeWhileFuckingAloha #UnlessYouFeelYouMust #OkYeahCallMeWhileFuckingAloha”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Of course, if you do get burned, I’ll be there to patch you up with bandages and aloe vera. You know why? Because I love you the most! #HappyWifeHappyLife #MyWifeCannotSeparateFuckingFromFeelings #ButThatIsWhyILoveHimTheMost #TenderHeart #NotAManwhore #PenisConnectedToHeart #MassivePenisAndEvenBiggerHeart #ThatIsWhyILoveYouTheMost”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“So this is our thing now?” I say, shouting over the blaring music. “You’re my little koala and I’m your eucalyptus tree?” Aloha giggles. “If eucalyptus trees get raging hard-ons, then yes.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard

“Oh, now I’m attracted to you?” “Um, hello. You made that pretty damned obvious back there onstage. You looked like you were getting ready to take a bite out of my ass.” My jaw hangs open.”
― Lauren Rowe, Mister Bodyguard